Tag Archives: Tara Reid

Cruel Intentions (1999)

Cruel Intentions

Genre: Drama

Cast: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ryan Phillippe, Reese Witherspoon

Synopsis: Two wealthy, spoilt, and morally corrupt teenagers enter into a wager in which Ryan Phillippe will seduce the headmaster’s virginal daughter. Things don’t go to plan, however, when he finds himself falling for her girl-next-door charm.

Sometimes I wonder why it is that I am such a ho bag. Seriously, I’ve lost count of all the individuals I have had trysts with…and I’m not including that homeless guy that grabbed my ass one time. I suppose it’s part of that nature vs. nurture debate and, if I were to pick a side, I would say that it was more of a nurture thing. Why do I say that? Well maybe it’s because, at the age of 10, I idolised Buffy the vampire slayer. I didn’t want to be with her; I wanted to BE her. I wanted to be Buffy so badly that I watched everything Sarah Michelle Gellar was in so I could learn her secrets. Eventually I found myself watching Cruel Intentions. With this in mind, is it really surprising that I turned out the way I did?

Let me explain, Cruel Intentions is all about Sarah Michelle Gellar getting in touch with her bad self. Up until this film, she had only played do-gooders and likeable characters. In Cruel Intentions, she lets out her inner bitch-whore from hell and has a bloody good time doing it. She makes being a slut look like fun. How slutty does she get? Well…she propositions her step brother with something no red-blooded male can refuse.

 Butt Secks

Yes, that’s right. She offers her brother anal sex. They’re not related by blood, you understand, but it’s still pretty scandalous. I don’t remember Glenn Close in Dangerous Liaisons offering John Malkovich entry to her back passage…although they may have had a different word for it in 18th century France. So much of enjoyment can be had watching Gellar play the villain and it is obvious she really relished the opportunity to do it. She even looks as though she had fun making out in the park with Selma Blair.

It pains me to say, however, that aside from Gellar the film really doesn’t really offer much else in the way of brilliance. Despite having an impressive cast, none of them match Gellar’s ruthless charm (except maybe Christine Baranski who is brilliant in everything she is in purely because she is Christine Baranski). This is perhaps one of Witherspoon’s weakest roles and Phillippe doesn’t get naked nearly as much as he should. Moreover, the plot plods along at a rather slow pace and not enough is done at the outset of the movie to inspire empathy for Phillippe’s character. When the climax finally happened, I was rather underwhelmed. Having said that, the film does have a banging soundtrack and features instant 90s classics such as Every You Every Me, Coffee & TV, and Bitter Sweet Symphony.

All jokes about me being a ho aside, the film does offer one useful piece of advice to teenagers and young adults: it’s alright to get your baps out in private but for the love of God don’t take photos. Tara Reid learns the hard way in this movie….which is kind of ironic if you think about it….or maybe it’s just appropriate…

Tara Reid BoobsI’ll let you be the judge

High-lights:

  • Sarah Michelle Gellar inspiring me to be a cunt and a slag. Although, I do draw the line at cocaine and incest.
  • Brilliant soundtrack.
  • IT’S SO 90s!!!!! So much nostalgia.
  • Score one for the lesbians.

Downers:

  • Boring and two-dimensional characters.
  • Wealthy teenagers piss me off.
  • Disappointing climax.

Summary:

Cruel Intentions is not the sort of film that will inspire admiration and it’s not the sort of film that will make anyone’s top 10 list. It’s clunky in places and, at times, improperly thought out and executed. However, I would advise you to watch this film purely for Sarah Michelle Gellar. Although she’s no Meryl Streep, Gellar has her own strengths and her own charm which are deployed in full force here and it’s always fun to watch a movie that has a brilliant villain.

5.5/10

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4 Comments

Filed under Drama, Meh

Vipers (2008)

Genre: Horror

Cast: Tara Reid…other people who I don’t know…and that girl who was in a few episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Harmony, I think her character name was.

Synopsis: Genetically altered killer snakes run amok on an island where Tara Reid is the local weed dealer.

Was Tara Reid ever considered a legitimate actress? People in England have never really heard of her and when people ask me who she is I have to explain she was the girlfriend of the ratty looking one in American Pie. I kind of like when that happens though because it makes me look knowledgeable about American culture. But seriously, does she still get work? I have no clue and I’m too scared to look at Wikipedia or IMDB because it’ll probably just be too depressing and horrible…just like this movie was. Vipers is a movie that will make you question your faith in everything: God, Hollywood, the kindness of strangers. It could have been brilliant though if they just tweaked it a little to make it less of a shit version of Deep Blue Sea…yes, I like that movie. How could it have been brilliant? I’ll tell you.

Firstly, don’t employ screenwriters who think that the best way inject drama into a fictional family is for them all to have affairs. Secondly, don’t orchestrate a scene in which Tara Reid makes a pot joke in front of a bereaved girl who’s just lost both her parents. Seriously Tara, why don’t you throw in a dead baby joke for good measure? Thirdly, at least get real recordings of snakes for the sound effects and not some weird techno-dubstep mix that sounds like Skrillex having an epileptic fit. Finally, at least attempt to make the science work by introducing a knowledgeable professor like character who says more than “That’s unethical!” No shit Sherlock, did you learn that at Harvard med school? Both Deep Blue Sea and Snakes on a Plane avoided these pitfalls and didn’t suck ass.

Vipers assumes on thing about its audience: that it’s thicker than pig shit. I know it’s a TV movie but it’s inexcusable. If you want to make a successful film in this type of sub-genre (the genetically altered super-animals/angry group of animals sub-genre) it’s got to be somewhat realistic. Not completely realistic but at least somewhat realistic. Nothing about this movie was even remotely realistic. If you were awake in bed and horny you really wouldn’t think that a viper climbing in between your tits was a penis. Don’t treat your audience like idiots. They can follow along without some doctor explaining what’s unethical and what isn’t. I already know that putting Hitler’s brain into a great white shark is a bad idea.

I think this movie should be shown in film schools as an example of how not to do everything. In a way, it’s a good learning experience. To see the good in things you also have to experience the bad. I just wish the bad wasn’t quite this bad. Still, it’s better than the G.I. Joe movie.

High-lights:

  • “These aren’t terrorists. These are snakes!” Bravo Tara…bravo.
  • I don’t know what I would do if Tara Reid showed up on my doorstep with a bag of weed. Laugh probably, and then cry.

Downers:

  • About 94% of this movie is a downer. I can’t really be any more explicit than that.

Summary:

Contrary to my negative review, this movie could probably be a lot of fun. I imagine if you’re with friends and you’ve eaten like three strong pot brownies it might become watchable. If you want something better, though, it’s not hard to find.

2.5/10

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Filed under Crap, Horror