Tag Archives: COCAINE

Practical Magic (1998)

Practical Magic

Genre: Romance, Comedy

Cast: Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman

Synopsis: Bullock and Kidman play two sister witches who are plagued by a curse: the men they fall in love with are doomed die early.

This must be one of the chickiest chick flicks to ever grace cinema. It’s got everything women love: sisterhood, sappy emotional drivel, and Wicca. Also, Sandra Bullock. She is like cat-nip for white women. Ordinarily these things combined would scare me off but, after having an American Horror Story: Coven marathon over the holiday season, I decided to give this a shot to see if it was just as good. Turns out it wasn’t. Surprise, surprise. However, as I always say, some of the worst films out there can become the best films with the aid of a little weed. While I wouldn’t say weed made this one of the best films, it certainly made it more enjoyable…most likely because it helped me to realise what this film is actually about.

Cocaine

Yes, that’s right. This film is all about Nicole Kidman’s character overcoming her addiction to blow. How do I know it’s about cocaine? Well, for starters Kidman runs away and becomes this groupie chick in the desert and then starts hanging around with a sordid crowd. She then goes into this house, kind of like the one in Boogie Nights, and then starts talking a lot about “Angel love” i.e. angel dust. Boom. She’s an addict. It’s hardly surprising really. Most films about witchcraft seem to have addiction as a central theme. Just look at The Craft, which was all about heroin addiction. I wonder why that is. It’s probably because performing magic would give you a power trip in the same way that doing drugs sends you on a trip. If you could alter the laws of the universe for personal gain, it would be hard to use that power responsibly. Willow from Buffy found out the hard way….and she was clearly on some strong shit.

Dark WillowMy guess is that it’s meth

So, drug abuse aside, what is good about this movie. Well, it’s quite stylish for one thing. These women live in a gorgeous house. It’s a grand old wooden Victorian house next to the ocean. It also has a sick greenhouse. I would push my mother down the stairs if it meant I could live in a house like that. Also, the soundtrack is surprisingly good in places. It’s got that one Faith Hill song in it that everyone likes but no one can remember the words to. However, the film also has a song in it in which the artist rhymes the word ‘glove’ with ‘love.’ That’s pretty amateur.

Something else that’s pretty amateur in places is the writing. Whoever wrote this film clearly had no idea about police procedure. I can’t believe these women let the cop in without a warrant and he handles evidence without the proper equipment. Any hack could get his entire case thrown out. Seriously writers, if you are going to have a cop as a character in your work, whatever it may be, please learn about proper police protocol. It’s very easy and it is mistakes like these that threaten to derail an otherwise coherent movie.

High-lights:

  • Stylish.
  • No matter how you look at it, Sandra Bullock is still kind of a BAMF.
  • It has the cat-faced lady who played Mona in the first Tales of the City series!
  • The scene where Sandra Bullock hears the beetle is actually quite good.

Downers:

  • It kind of skims over the Salem witch trials, which is one of the most interesting points in history. I would have preferred more detail on how idiotic people were back then….”My milk hath gone sour! It must be the doing of a witch!” No, it’s because your dumb-ass left the milk outside in 40 degree weather.
  • It was sad how the kids stoned young Nicole. Kids are shits.

Summary:

This is one of those light, feel-good movies that will completely disappear from your mind a few days after watching it. That’s not a bad thing. Sometimes it’s good to watch these sorts of movies just to kill some time or to impress your girlfriend. From an objective point of view, Practical Magic is kind of mediocre. Let’s be honest, it was never going to light the world on fire. However, under the right circumstances (i.e. you must be blitzed) it can be a pretty enjoyable film if you let it be. It wins points from me because of that.

6.5/10

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Filed under Comedy, Good, Romance

Crank: High Voltage (2009)

Genre: Action/Adventure

Cast: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Bai Ling

Synopsis: After falling out of a helicopter, Jason Statham has his heart replaced with a battery which he has to charge constantly or else he will die.

If I could summarize this movie into one word it would be ‘COCAINE!!!!!’ This whole movie is what I imagine being on cocaine is like; just running around doing crazy shit whilst you’re pumped and then crashing. “Charge” up some more and you’re ready to go again. It’s not that surprising really because Jason Statham strikes me as someone who could play a cocaine dealer rather convincingly…you know the sort: rough trade. Is it wrong that I have a crush on him? I imaging he can be both an aggressive and a tender lover…someone that COULD slap you around but never would. Am I sick in the head? Anyway, watching Crank: High Voltage stoned was interesting because it gave me an insight into what another drug I would never try is actually like. Now I just have to find a film that simulates crystal meth and I’m good to go. Maybe Sex and the City 2 was the movie equivalent of crystal meth: my face felt like it was melting as I watched.

I have to admit that Crank: High Voltage surprised me in a lot of ways. I thought that it would be super gritty and realistic but it’s actually not. It’s a film that takes a lot of dramatic license what with the heart/battery transplant and all. In a lot of ways, it felt like a student production: kind of low budget and experimental at times. Some of the gambling paid off (the Godzilla scene cutting back to reality was great) but at other times it did not (the arcade game opening). Still, I have to give the film makers props for trying something different. Another surprise was that Amy Smart is in the movie! I had no idea she was still around.

I have to admit that I was trying to find the first one but accidentally downloaded the second movie and didn’t realize until right at the end. Oddly enough, I wasn’t exactly confused by what I was seeing on screen. I don’t remember questioning the plot or who the characters were even when they were referencing events from the first movie. I guess that’s a sign that Crank: High Voltage is an engrossing film that grabs your attention. Personally, I prefer The Transporter: its action scenes were more interesting and it features Jason Statham in a suit AND oil. What more could I ask for?

High-lights:

  • Adrenaline-fueled action.
  • Bai Ling playing an Asian hooker was actually really funny. It’s not exactly high-class humor but we’re all entitled to our low-brow moments.
  • Big black lady in the car and the old Chinese man.

Downers:

  • There are some pretty gruesome scenes like when a guy spits into an open chest cavity or when a gangster does some impromptu nipple surgery.
  • Geri Halliwell…I loved you when you were a spice girl but, unless you’re planning a reunion, I don’t want to see you no mo.
  • It’s an A-B, B-C, C-D kind of movie and it gets repetitive.

Summary:

All in all, not a bad action movie. It could be better in a lot of ways, i.e. if it dialed down the whole cocaine thing, but as a distraction it does what it says on the tin. This is the sort of movie that can get you pumped so be careful about how and when you watch this. Maybe before you go to the gym or when you want to get ready for some aggressive yet tender Jason Statham loving.

6/10

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Filed under Action/Adventure, Good