Category Archives: Sci-Fi

Akira (1988)

AKIRA_(1988_poster)

Genre: Sci-Fi, Animation, Action/Adventure

Cast: TETSSSSUUUUOOOOOO!!!, KANEDAAAAA!!!!

Synopsis: A teenager who is also a member of a biker gang in dystopian Neo-Tokyo acquires psychic powers after a run in with an anaemic child. With his new powers, he sets out to release the mysterious entity known as Akira.

I’m back! That’s right loyal readers. I have returned to you after a five week sojourn to the USA. It must have been very difficult for you to process my absence. Lord knows it kept me awake at night. I am sure you have asked yourself, fist shaking at the sky: “Why did Baked leave us?” The simple truth is I decided not to update my blog while I was in the US for one key reason: I didn’t have access to weed. I didn’t want to compromise the integrity of my method…if ‘integrity’ is the right word. I would hate myself if I didn’t stay true to the basic tenets of this blog; namely get high and watch movies. Fortunately, I am back in London where the weed is plentiful and the police don’t give a rat’s ass. For my first review back, I’ll be reviewing the anime sci-fi mind-fuck classic: Akira.

If you thought Paprika and Perfect Blue were bat-shit insane, then you were right. However, as Japanese game shows have demonstrated, there is no limit to the sanity black hole that is Japan. Akira is a film that reflects that generality. The film is set in a dystopian Tokyo in 2019, 31 years after a nuclear explosion destroyed the city. The city is overrun with juvenile delinquents on bikes and nut jobs. Throw in psychic sickly children who look like they’re 80 and things get weird very quickly. I’m talking giant killer teddy bears and an oversized throbbing tumour monster. For the last one, imagine an inappropriate Power Ranger villain but with added sexual symbolism.

Zedd2Although I always thought Lord Zedd was inappropriate for that reason

Although the weirdness is certainly a hallmark of the film, the thing that makes Akira a brilliant film is that it speaks to sentiment that is 100 per cent Japanese. To date, Japan remains the only nation that has had a nuclear weapon used against it in war. In 1945, two Japanese cities were wiped off the map. Akira is a film that is very theme heavy with the central ones being: the fragility of civilisation and cities; the repercussions of using God-like powers for destruction; capitalism and urban wealth inequality; adolescence and coming-of-age; and spirituality and rebirth in the modern age. When watching this movie for the first time, these themes may escape you because it’s such a complex movie and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I watched Akira for the first time when I was 15 and only ‘got it’ when I was 22. However, it’s still worth the watch and the re-watch because the themes this movie tackles are still relevant for today’s world and will continue to be so for a long time. Also, let’s not forget that Japan is hosing the Olympic games in 2020 so I fully expect Akira to actually happen by that time.

The amazing thing about this movie is that it is over 25 years old and it still holds up by today’s standards. The animation is as fresh and remarkable as it was when it was first released. I don’t think anyone could ever dream of criticising how Neo-Tokyo was designed: it’s a sprawling metropolis with shining lights and gleaming towers as well as dark corners and decay. The level of detail is, quite frankly, astounding and no scene does the craftsmanship justice quite like this one.

While the visuals are just as amazing as they were in the 80s, the sound effects have maybe aged a bit. I mentioned something similar in my review of Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind. However, you can’t let these small blips ruin what is an otherwise brilliant film. My advice to you readers is that you should watch this film as soon as possible, as a US remake could be on the way. The remake has been in development hell for years but that could change soon so you’ll want to experience the original before Hollywood shits all over it by including heavy-handed 9/11 references and Milla Jovovich in a skin-tight cat suit.

High-lights:

  • The animation. Wow. That is all.
  • Complex but not without reason. The film is all about nuclear war, evolution, and spirituality in an age crippled with capitalism.
  • Probably the best representation of romance in an apocalyptic scenario. I always find it weird how people are always shagging each other at the end of the world in these sorts of films….surely the characters have other more important things on their mind…like not dying.
  • Watch it with a friend and assign roles so that one can shout ‘Tetsuo’ and the other one shout ‘Kaneda’ at appropriate moments.

Downers:

  • Poor Kaori. Poor, poor Kaori. She got clothes-lined by a guy on a motor bike. That’s got to hurt.
  • Slightly outdated sound effects.

Summary:

When you first watch this movie, you might not get it. In fact, you might hate it. However, I am begging you to come at Akira with an open mind and maybe a little context because if you do that you will see why it’s such an important moment in Japanese cinematic history. Sure it’s a weird film, but when that weirdness comes together with purpose it becomes art. That’s what this film is, pure and simple: it’s art.

10/10

5 Comments

Filed under Action/Adventure, Animation, Mind Blowingly Awesome, Sci-Fi

The Matrix (1999)

The_Matrix_Poster

Genre: Sci-Fi, Action/Adventure

Cast: Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Laurence Fishburne

Synopsis: A hacker escapes from a simulated reality called “the matrix” and must now fight in a war against the evil machines that enslaved humanity and trapped them in the matrix.

I remember the first time I watched this movie. I could not have been any older than twelve. At the time, I would say about 80 per cent of this film went over my head. As a result, I had always seen this movie as very complex but I remember enjoying it immensely. In the years since I first saw The Matrix, I have re-watched it several times as well as seen its sequels (both of which were rather appalling). My understanding of the film grew and I finally decided to do a review of it for the blog because I think it’s exactly the sort of film that stoners can enjoy.

One of the things that stands out in The Matrix is its high-octane action scenes. The fight-choreography in this movie is not only impeccable but also innovative. The film successfully marries hand-to-hand combat with wire-work and special effects. The fight scene between Neo and Morpheus still impresses me. I know it has been parodied so many times over the years, but think back to when the movie first came out and when you saw the bullet dodge scene. I bet your mouth dropped and that you said some nice things.

Doge MatrixMuch like this

While the action scenes certainly impress, I also enjoy the film because it is a live-action tribute to Japanese animation, notably Ghost in the Shell. The Wachowskis readily recognise the way Ghost in the Shell influenced the style and themes of The Matrix and I appreciate any director who is willing to give a nod to his or her sources. Give credit where it’s due! Not only that, the Wachowskis took a lot of the themes in Ghost in the Shell and adapted them seamlessly into a film that would appeal to a Western market. It’s one thing to simply copy a film, but to take a film’s core and build an entirely new film around it (a film which is very good in its own way) is admirable. If anything, The Matrix displays the Wachowskis’ passion for great cinema and their talent for translating great premises into films that will make a lot of money.

If I were to level some criticism at The Matrix it would only be two points. Firstly, the characters can be pretty hollow at times. Half of the Nebuchadnezzar’s are not developed and when they are killed off you don’t find yourself caring that much. Plus, why is that woman wearing white!!?? Did she miss the group meeting where they all decided to wear black?

Matrix fashionSeriously, sort it out. You look like a twat.

The second point is all the unnecessary violence. I understand that this film requires a lot of violence because of the sort of film it is but why do Neo and Trinity have to kill so many innocent people? Take the scene where they infiltrate the building to rescue Morpheus and they have to get through security. Basically, they shoot the place up and kill maybe 20 security guards in the process. Those guards probably have families. They probably woke up and were like: “oh shit, another work day but I’m sure it’ll be ok.” Then, all of a sudden, two freaks show up with automatic weapons. It’s funny that Neo is the “the chosen one” but displays a total disregard for human life. It’s films like this that show America’s fascination with weaponry and just who scary and distasteful it is….but then again, it was an epic action scene so I guess I can get over it.

High-lights:

  • Mind-bending, jaw-dropping, face-slappingly awesome action scenes.
  • Complex plot and great story-line. I never get bored watching this film.
  • Great tribute to Japanese animation.
  • Some really memorable performances from Laurence Fishburne and Hugo Weaving.

Downers:

  • Just keep repeating to yourself: “the sequels never happened…the sequels never happened…”
  • Flat supporting characters.
  • Maybe too violent in places.

Summary:

It’s easy to see why this film is a defining moment in the sci-fi genre. Up until its release, audiences had seen nothing like it and, 15-years on, there are few sci-fi films that can hold a candle to it. Jesus Christ! 15 years!? This is making me feel old!

9/10

5 Comments

Filed under Action/Adventure, Great, Sci-Fi

Tron: Legacy (2010)

Tron_Legacy_poster

Genre: Sci-Fi, Action/Adventure

Cast: Garrett Hedlund, Olivia Wilde, Jeff Bridges

Synopsis: I have no fucking clue…something about being sucked into a computer and then Olivia Wilde shows up and she’s important to the story somehow but I couldn’t figure out why.

Weed can be both a blessing and a curse. There are times when it augments a viewing experience so much that it seems silly to watch movies without smoking a joint. Then there are times when your mind completely clouds over and you might as well watch a brick wall for all the entertainment you get out of it. I had one of those experiences last Saturday when I sat down to watch this movie with a friend. I let him choose the movie which, in retrospect, was a bad thing to do because during Tron: Legacy the phrase “What the fuck is going on?” must have been uttered about 20 times. Seriously, I was so baked. I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror and I looked like this dog:

Stoned dog

I feel like it would be unfair to review this movie in light of my state of mind while watching it. However, I don’t have any alternative movies lined up so you guys will just have to cope somehow.

Right off the bat, I can tell you that there were some very impressive things about this movie. Firstly, the visuals. This is the sort of movie 3D was made for. Part of me wishes that I had seen this in cinemas when it first came out. The neon lights, the crazy arenas and death matches, and Jeff Bridges digitally altered face would have been much spectacular had they been amplified on the big screen. When you’re watching the movie on an i-pad screen it just doesn’t have the same effect.

The second thing I liked about Tron: Legacy was the soundtrack. Make no mistake, this film is essentially “Daft Punk: The Movie.” I think the robot duo even have a cameo in the film. I think the constant robo-techno-techno would probably get on some peoples’ nerves but I enjoyed it and if you’re a fan of their music then you will definitely appreciate their contribution.

I think part of my problem with this film is that I had not seen the original Tron. The storyline probably would have made a lot more sense had I done some background research first. Plus, that way I would have been much less inclined to pick out the flaws of the actors in this movie…namely Oliva Wilde’s asymmetric fringe/bob that I just wanted to attack. Also, I have a hard time accepting Garrett Hedlund as the lead in a family friendly film after I saw him butt-fuck Steve Buscemi. There are some things that you just can’t unsee.

My eyes

High-lights:

  • Toe-tapping, shape-throwingly good soundtrack.
  • Great graphics.

Downers:

  • I have no idea what this movie was about or what happened in it. I seriously can’t even remember the characters’ names.

Summary:

This film was a bit of a write-off thanks to the fact I was baked off my tits. I feel like I should come back to this one after seeing the original though as this film clearly had its strengths. Maybe if I come back to it I’ll be able to grasp the plot the second time around.

5/10

7 Comments

Filed under Action/Adventure, Meh, Sci-Fi

Robot & Frank (2012)

Robot and Frank

Genre: Sci-Fi, Comedy, Drama

Cast: Frank Langella, Susan Sarandon, James Marsden, Liv Tyler

Synopsis: An aging cat burglar suffering from dementia gets a house robot and starts using the robot in a plot to steal some douchebag’s wife’s jewels.

I like to think that there are two categories of film in the sci-fi genre. You get what I call “hard sci-fi,” which is a film in which the science aspects take front and centre but don’t really shape the plot or the themes in any meaningful way. An example of this would be the Star Wars movies. These kinds of sci-fi films are often action-packed and appeal to an audience’s desire to be entertained.

The second category is “soft sci-fi.” In this type of film, the scientific aspects introduce and shape the plot but it’s the human drama and the character’s interaction with the science which is key. These sorts of films engage an audience’s desire to think and to understand humanity in greater depth, usually by showing real life situations with a slight scientific twist. The sorts of films in this category include Her and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I enjoy both very much but, to be honest, I prefer the second category. Robot & Frank is a film I would class as “soft sci-fi”: although robots are a common feature in “hard sci-fi,” this film focuses on the relationship a mentally ill man develops with his robot in order to show the melancholy nature of growing old and losing the aspect of us which makes us who we are, namely our minds.

That sounds like quite a heavy theme and one which can depress even the most positive of people. True, it is quite upsetting to see what father time has in store for all of us but fortunately this movie deals with the theme of aging gracefully by injecting a comedic edge. Jokes about yuppies and robot conversations and a well-timed enema gag give the film a more playful feel. On top of that, the film’s two central characters (Robot and Frank) develop such an adorable relationship. It’s like watching an old married couple who bicker but love each other very much. It’s these parts which give the movie its human heart.

Speaking of humans, the film brings together an impressive cast. Nobody can deny that Langella and Sarandon are acting greats and Marsden also impresses in his “goofy-guy-next-door-who-I-want-to-plough” kind of way. The actors complement each other perfectly and no-one attempts to out-do the others. However, there is a weak link in the movie and it’s Liv Tyler. Her character is essentially the spoilt brat Earth-child daughter of Langella. She swans about talking of the evils of technology and wears some sort of pashmina over her head when she’s in Azerbaijan or some shit so she can connect to the locals. I hate white people sometimes. Fortunately, she’s not in the movie a lot so you can ignore her annoyingness fairly easily.

One thing I love about sci-fi movies like Robot & Frank is that they show us one possible direction the human race can develop as a species. I have to say, if this is the way we are going, I can’t wait to have an adorable robot butler when I’m older. I really hope I live to see the day my robot friend can cook me a healthy breakfast, help me with gardening, and help with my dementia (fingers crossed I never get it). As trite as it sounds, technology is a wonderful thing and one of the great things about Robot & Frank is that it shows us how technology can positively affect our lives. The film encourages aspiration by showing the faults and problems inherent in being human but also by showing a possible solution. Although this film has its moments of sadness, it leaves the audience with an optimism and a sense of hope.

High-lights:

  • “Thank you Frank. It’s time for your enema.”
  • “Some things take time Frank.” I fucking love that robot. I want one now.
  • Great message about technology while also conveying an environmental one too. I want a garden.
  • Characters you care about and actors who do them justice.

Downers:

  • Liv Tyler.
  • Dementia really is a horrible disease.

Summary:
Robot & Frank is an adorable little film that reminds us of our limits and encourages us to dream further. It’s also available on Netflix so if you’re bored one evening and need something to watch, this film is readily available. This film is not a visual spectacle in the way a lot of sci-fi films are but it doesn’t need to be. With a touching human core, Robot & Frank is a very good film for both sci-fi lovers and fans of character drama.

7.5/10

8 Comments

Filed under Comedy, Drama, Good, Sci-Fi

The Cell (2000)

Thecellposter

Genre: Sci-Fi, Thriller

Cast: Jennifer Lopez, Vince Vaughn

Synopsis: J’Lo plays a pot-smoking child psychologist who enters the mind of a serial killer through an experimental mind-swapping coma machine in order to find a missing girl.

Who would have thought that a movie starring J-Lo could be artistic. I mean, Anaconda was artistic in its own way….sort of. Many of the scenes in The Cell, however, are actually inspired by the works of Damien Hirst, Nerdrum, H R Giger, and the Brothers Quay. That makes for some fucked up imagery. If I’m being 100 per cent honest, though, I actually quite like this movie. There’s something visceral and powerful about it.

A lot of the emotions I felt when watching this movie were negative: disgust, revulsion, terror. However, it’s rare that you see a movie with such force and with such a clear artistic vision. When one comes along I can’t help but like it. The visual beauty should be expected as the director, Tarsem Singh, also directed The Fall which is largely considered to be one of the most visually arresting movies out there. However, The Fall’s narrative was decidedly ‘meh’ and left much to be desired. In contrast, The Cell manages to strike an appropriate balance between visual mastery and engrossing story. Neither element overshadows the other and I found both my eyes and my mind engaged.

At times, this movie had a serious Silence of the Lambs feel and you would think it would be impossible to mesh extreme horror with beauty but Singh manages to do it with panache. However, the horror in this movie can be quite difficult to bare at times. The way the serial killer, who for some reason I thought was Philip Seymour Hoffman (may he rest in peace), kills his victims is traumatic. What he does to them afterwards is even more distressing. It takes a strong will to get through some of the scenes and even I found myself tested….and I’ve seen all sorts of crazy shit thanks to /r/WTF.

Now, let’s talk about the Hispanic elephant in the room: Jennifer Lopez. She’s not a great actress (“I can catch a snake too”). However, she’s not exactly terrible either. In The Cell there’s something fresh-faced and oddly endearing about her. Also, she tokes up in her underwear and has a pet cat so that’s great. She is still Jenny from da block, after all. Seriously though, she pulls the weirdest face when she’s high. However, she never manages to quite convince the audience that she’s actually a child psychologist. Maybe it’s because I know what she’s like outside of the film. Still, she tries and I can respect that. When she rocks up as Jesus to save the day, though, that is maybe a bit too much.

High-lights:

  • Beautiful use of colour and terrific art direction.
  • Toke up J-Lo. Oooooh a kitty!
  • Oh hai doggy.
  • Engrossing plot that keeps you on the edge of your seat

Downers:

  • Can be very disturbing and distressing at times.
  • Vince Vaughn being serious and J-Lo as Jesus.
  • Is that Philip Seymour Hoffman!?………Nah. Damn, now I’m sad.

Summary:

While Paprika is still my favourite dream-entering mind-bending thriller, The Cell is not a bad alternative. Even if you don’t like Jennifer Lopez or even the plot, you can still appreciate the art direction, make up, and costumes. If you smoke something that heightens your senses, then both the colours and artistry will become so much more vivid and will have more of an impact. The downside is that you’ll also be tweaked while watching some really distressing scenes. Either way, this film will illicit some kind of gut reaction from you.

6.5/10

10 Comments

Filed under Good, Sci-Fi, Thriller

Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (1984)

Nausicaa

Genre: Sci-Fi, Animation, Action/Adventure, Drama

Cast: The English dub has the voices of Shia LaBeouf, Uma Thurman and Patrick Stewart

Synopsis: Nausicaä is a young princess of the Valley of the Wind who inhabits a post-apocalyptic world overrun by a toxic jungle and giant insects. Nausicaä must prevent a neighbouring nation from using an ancient weapon against the jungle and insects.

It’s been a while since I reviewed a Myazaki film and the other day I got a huge hankering for one of his older and more mature films. Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind was released in 1984(before Studio Ghibli was founded) and although the soundtrack/sound effects may be a little dated, the animation and the story are as fresh as ever and prove that Miyazaki’s genius will transcend time and be treasured for generations to come. It’s hard to pinpoint one thing that makes this film so special because it’s all so brilliant, complex and beautiful – as should be expected with any Miyazaki film.

One thing that I love about this film is its spiritual and environmental message. Unlike FernGully: The Last Rainforest which was heavy-handed with its environmental message, Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind takes a more subtle route. Like one of Miyazaki’s later works, the film focuses heavily on human relationships with the environment and how greed, ill will and delusion drives conflict and poisons those relationships. Whereas FernGully features 80s pixies who help the forest grow with their songs about magical life-rain, the characters in Nausicaä are humans recovering from an environmental apocalypse who fear and resent the exquisitely animated toxic jungle which overwhelms the planet. Also inhabiting the planet are ginormous insects and the mysterious Ohmu which are kind of like divine crustacean-beetles. The message of the movie is that humans, the jungle and insects inhabit the same world and we need to learn to live together in complete balance.

In the midst of it all stands feminist-icon princess Nausicaä who must navigate all manner political and diplomatic hurdles while still managing to be a bad-ass. She flies, she’s kind, she fights like a demon and she befriends all sorts of cool animals. She’s essentially what I want my future-daughter to be: tough, kind, intelligent and principled. It’s rare to see this quality of heroine in today’s films, although tough heroine’s are a staple of Miyazaki’s films, just like multi-dimensional “almost-villains” which feature in this movie too. Nausicaä is the driving force behind the film and the audience comes to care for her deeply. In a way, she’s a greater hero than Ashitaka in Princess Mononoke because she’s a lot more accessible and less pious. The audience develops with her and as her understanding and respect for the environment grows so does ours.

As mentioned before, the soundtrack is a little bit dated but, if you love 8-s electro sci-fi music, this won’t be much of a problem. The film’s composer, Joe Hisaishi, is every bit as gifted as Miyazaki and he created a mind-blowing soundtrack that perfectly complements the eerie and desolate landscape in the film. If you’re baked, the music becomes otherworldly and reverberates in your body. It’s really a wonderful experience. Although the music may be a little outdated, nothing else in the movie is. The animation is as crisp and mesmerising as ever and the film’s central themes are arguably more important today than they were 20 years ago. I seriously advise everyone to watch this film with an open mind and, if you do, then prepare to be astounded.

High-lights:

  • A beautifully animated dystopian future that almost feels Tolkienian. It’s even more incredible considering the film is 20 years old!
  • A well-rounded main character who is a feminist icon.
  • The important environmental message.
  • Scenes of remarkable beauty. In my mind there are two stand-out scenes. The first is the scene in which Patrick Stewart’s character discovers Nausicaä secret garden which is all glowy and pretty. The second scene is the one in which Nausicaä flies over the desert and sees a lone Ohmu watching the sunrise.

Downers:

  • The soundtrack may annoy some people.
  • The pacing could have been tighter in places.

Summary:

I think that this movie could appeal to a wide audience because it is essentially a mish-mash of lots of different genres weaved seamlessly together to create a visual and well-plotted masterpiece. Please don’t write this movie off because it’s an anime and because it was created in the decade of stylistic horrors which was the 1980s. If you watch this movie I guarantee that you will be pleasantly surprised.

9.5/10

9 Comments

Filed under Action/Adventure, Animation, Drama, Mind Blowingly Awesome, Sci-Fi

Celebrity children double feature: If I become famous I’m getting my tubes tied

I am so glad that my parents were not famous. There must be all kinds of pressure on celebrity children to be as big and accomplish as much as their parents, many of whom are actually talented. However, talent (unlike type 2 diabeetus) does not always run in the family. Today’s double feature focusses on two films featuring celebrity guttersnipes and examines why these films suck donkey-balls. One thing is for certain. After watching these two movies I have come to the conclusion that if I ever get famous I will have my tubes tied so no offspring of mine will sully my name with mediocre attempts make it big.

After Earth (2013)

After_Earth_Poster

Genre: Sci-Fi, Action/Adventure

Cast: Will Smith, Jaden Smith, Sophie Okonedo

Synopsis: Sometime in the future, humans abandon Earth and settle on a new planet. There’s some kind of war going on with aliens and the only way to kill them is to mask your fear so they don’t see you…….anyway, Will Smith and his son get stranded on Earth for some reason and Jaden now has to learn to mask his fear by fighting pimped lions and eagles.

This is M. Night Shyamalama’s best film in years. I didn’t mean that as compliment though because this movie is pretty fucking boring. After Earth is essentially an extremely expensive publicity stunt for the Smith family. The male Smiths star in it. Jada helped produce it…and I’m sure Willow was involved somehow, when she wasn’t singing songs about her BF even though she’s 12. Plus, the movie becomes all sorts of weird when you take into account the Smith’s freaky interviews when they talk about numbers and shit. Basically, the whole fucked up situation surrounding the film meant that I absolutely had to review it.

I’ll reiterate: this film is so fucking boring! Even the fight scenes are dull because under no circumstance will the audience sympathise or care about the two lead characters. Will Smith is essentially a robot in this movie and Jaden is a whiny little bitch. Cypher and Kitai Raige (*gags) are two of the least developed characters I have ever had the misfortune of watching in a film. As the film progresses, you end up wanting the lion to savage Jaden because at least then that will put a stop to the movie. Alas, that never happens and instead we’re subjected to 90 minutes of Jaden learning how to supress his emotions and get to grips with an accent that can only be described as a cross between South African and Gungan from Star Wars: Episode I….”Youssa people gonnaa die!?”

What I don’t understand is this: After Earth had a budget of $130 million. That’s $30 million more than Gravity. However, the film’s graphics look really shoddy. Now, I’m not in the special effects industry so I cannot pretend that I know all there is to know about it but if you can make something as spectacular as Gravity (which is nothing but special effects) for $30 million less, then why do films like After Earth happen? I sincerely hope that someone was skimming money off the top because I don’t want to face up to the possibility that Hollywood studios are filled with talentless hacks who don’t know how produce an excellent yet cost-effective film.

If there is one saving-grace in the film (and it’s a big if) it’s that it acts as a stress-squeezer. Have you ever had one of those days, or even weeks, where nothing goes right and you really just want to punch someone? Well, this is the movie for you. After Earth allows you take your anger out on people with no repercussions and, what’s more, the movie gives you THREE people to target: Will Smith, Jaden Smith, and M. Night himself. If you feel like your head is about to explode with anger, then put this film on and shout and scream until your vocal chords are raw and then take satisfaction that you will never do anything as bad as this film.

High-lights:

  • Strangely therapeutic thanks to the opportunities to bash once-popular and talented celebrities.

Downers:

  • Jaden Smith and Will Smith is one film is too much to handle and [SPOLER ALERT] both survive the movie.
  • Seriously, what accent is that???
  • Despite all these awesome animals, nothing happens. Absolutely nothing.

Summary:

Objectively speaking, this is a better movie than The Happening. However, that film was truly fucking hysterical and, after watching After Earth, I can’t help but think that M Night Shyamalama has lost his sense of humour, if he ever possessed one. Honestly, I think this movie is best avoided, even if you are out of your mind on illicit substances. The film is too pretentious and empty to be worth your time.

2.5/10

LOL (2012)

LOL_2012_movie_poster

Genre: Drama, Romance

Cast: Miley Cyrus, Demi Moore, Gina Gershon

Synopsis: A few days in the life of a Miley Cyrus-esque teenager……KILL ME NOW!

Out of the frying-pan and into the fucking fire. I think that’s how that saying goes. If you though After Earth was boring and pointless, then you ain’t seen nothing yet. LOL is essentially Miley Cyrus’s “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” phase à la Britney Spears circa 2002 but much worse. Whereas Britney was marketed as the all-American apple pie-living teenager everybody could relate to, Miley Cyrus in this movie is the epitome of everything wrong with Millennials in this movie…and that’s coming from a Millennial.

I know Millennial-bashing has become one of the most popular past-times this year and it’s all a complete load of crap, but this movie really does not give me hope for the future if every American teen is like Miley Cyrus or her character. For starters, Miley Cyrus has one of the most irritating voices known to man so her character, “LOL” is instantly unlikable. Couple that with her character’s general narcissism, selfishness and access to Twitter and you got yourself a perfect storm of entitled teenage douche-baggery. This is perhaps best seen when LOL goes on a French exchange and has sex with her weird looking teen musician boyfriend in his host family’s spare bedroom. YOU ARE A GUEST IN ANOTHER PERSON’S HOUSE!!!! Did your mamma not teach you any manners? You know what? Don’t answer that because the audience gets to see the sort of household that LOL grew up in. Let’s just say that it’s a “naked house.”

I hope I’m not the only Millennial who feels no sense of connection to Miley Cyrus. I am so glad that I was a child during that wonderful period before the internet became accessible to everyone at any time. When I have kids, they will not get phones until they are 16 and even then they will be the clunky, ugly but so wonderfully practical Nokia 3310s. There will be none of this app bullshit and they will not have facebook accounts until they are 18 and out of my house. I will not be the type of parent that Demi Moore is in this film. For starters, I will not let my children anywhere near Gina Gerson. I’ve seen what that lady does….fellating chicken legs and don’t even get me started on the shit she gets up to in Showgirls.

In a way, LOL is a guide about how not to raise your children in the modern age. Therefore, it should be mandatory viewing for expecting parents. It may be painful. You may have to strap yourself into a chair and force open your eyelids like in A Clockwork Orange but at the end of the day you’ll thank me when your daughter isn’t twerking up on the stage and flashing her Brazilian….which does actually happen in this movie.

High-lights:

  • The sense of satisfaction I received when I realised I was nothing like Miley Cyrus.

Downers:

  • Demi Moore’s character. I was under the impression that she was a mother with more money than sense. Also, she’s one of those parents whose only joy comes from bitching about life with her equally rich and empty-headed friends when passing a joint. Also, she has no clue how to mount a motorcycle.
  • The self-indulgent teenage angst.

Summary:

Why do I do this to myself?

1/10

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