Cast: Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert
Synopsis: A bunch of spoilt sorority bitches get axed one by one by a Christmas maniac
Merry Christmas ya filthy animals! I must admit, Christmas is not my favourite holiday to celebrate. I am more of a Halloween kind of guy. However, thanks to the ‘Holiday Horror’ sub-genre, I can indulge my Halloween spirit whenever a holiday rolls around. This year, my brother suggested that I watch the remake of the 1970s festive slasher classic Black Christmas.
Despite taking place over the holiday season, Black Christmas is unlikely to get you in the Christmas spirit. It is not because the film features a lot of death: Die Hard has tons of people dying but that never fails to put me in a Christmassy mood. No, the real reason is because all the Christmas decorations in this movie are tacky as shit. Personally, I prefer Christmas to be a tasteful and subdued affair. Think along the lines of a roaring fire and minimal usage of tinsel on a real tree rather than a house that looks as if a red-neck Santa Clause threw up on it.
On top of the distasteful use of Christmas bric-a-brac, the film employs a rather disgusting neon colour scheme. After about 30 minutes of watching this movie you will begin to feel a little nauseous. I suppose the sickening use of colour is meant to heighten a viewer’s sense of unease and discomfort with what is happening in the film. I understand the need to make cannibalism and holiday incest as unpleasant as possible, but doing so with the film’s colour scheme was a rather unfortunate choice.
If you manage to stomach the colour scheme and continue watching the movie, the first thing you will notice is that Black Christmas is chock-full of actresses you will sort-of remember from other things. I found myself asking things like: “Isn’t that Buffy’s sister?” and ‘Isn’t that the girl who did the voice of Eliza in The Wild Thornberrys?” It’s kind of fun at first but when they all get killed off in gruesome ways it’s kind of like watching your childhood get murdered. Then again, the amount of character development that goes on in the film is minimal so it’s not going to be too traumatic to see a character get an ice-skating boot upside the head. In fact, the person in this film who gets the most development is the villain but not in the good way: spoiler alert but it turns out the guys is a festive Joseph Fritzl.
In truth, I wish I hadn’t listened to my brother’s suggestion to watch the remake. I understand that the original has a campy appeal and it’s available on Netflix so I feel as though I missed a golden opportunity. Plus, it has Margot Kidder in it before she went manic. If you’re really up for a holiday slasher, then don’t waste your time with the Black Christmas remake. Keep it old school and watch the 1974 original…or watch Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2.
- The hilarity that ensues when one woman shows up and all you can think about is how much plastic surgery she’s had.
- All your favourite actresses from childhood.
- Too much neon!
- Unnecessarily gruesome maiming and murder.
- No character development.
- All your favourite actresses from childhood getting killed.
Why spoil your Christmas season with this crap? Do yourself a favour and watch Die Hard instead. Hell, even Die Hard 2 is better.