Downers of 2014

On the rare occasions my childhood friends and I get to celebrate New Year’s Eve with each other, we have a tradition. Before midnight we each do a shot of an alcohol mixed with cranberry juice. After midnight, we do another with some kind of alcohol paired with apple juice. As we do it, we say: “Bitter cranberry for the past and sweet apple for the future.” It sounds a lot more poignant than it actually is. The tradition started when my friend, who was royally pissed at the time, ran out of Malibu and coke and had to improvise.

At the end of 2013, I did a ‘year in review’ post where I listed my favourite and most hated movies released that year. I have decided to do the same this year but have approached the post differently. This year, I wanted to take inspiration from our tradition by doing two separate posts: one chronicling the bitter cranberry movies and another celebrating the sweet apples.

As a general rule, 2014 was quite a strong year for movies. Then again, there were some absolute shockers in the bunch. Some films, such as Transformers: Age of Extinction and A Million Ways to Die in the West, don’t make the list. That’s not because I liked them. It’s because I didn’t see them. Quite frankly, I don’t hate myself enough to watch these films. If I had seen these movies then they may have been included. The best I can do is include the shit films I have watched. Rest assured though, I did see quite a few. Without further ado, here are my picks for worst films of the year.

Maleficent

Maleficent_poster

What is it about?

It’s a reinterpretation of Sleeping Beauty, only this time through the eyes of the villain who, apparently, is not a villain at all…she’s just a messed up woman who was physically abused and possibly date raped.

Why is it one of the worst films of the year?

Because it’s totally unnecessary! I must admit, I am a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to these sorts of things. I’m happy to label the villain as a villain and leave it at that without further question. Not everybody needs a back story, especially if it’s one that’s so saccharine and ham-fisted. The reason Maleficent was such a good villain in the original version was because she was a total drag-queen bitch. She didn’t need a reason to be evil. With cheekbones like hers, she doesn’t need a reason to do or be anything. In my eyes, this was just a waste of money and some of the CGI was pretty monstrous.

Worst thing about it?

Despite the attempts to give them more depth, the characters are really bland and uninspiring.

Grace of Monaco

Grace_of_Monaco_Poster

What is it about?

Grace Kelly’s marriage to Prince Rainier and their efforts to keep Monaco a tax haven for corrupt officials and millionaires.

Why is it one of the worst films of the year?

Because everything about this steaming pile of crap was mistake. It’s hard for me to point out anything positive. If you were to put a gun to my head and make me say something nice it would probably be that the costume department did a good job. Everything else was a total misstep. The acting is hammy at best and none of the characters are sympathetic. Olivier Dahan, the director of the film, was the man behind La Vie en Rose, which is widely considered to be a great French movie. As such, it’s a little confusing to be presented with this abomination, which essentially functions as a two-hour Chanel commercial.

Worst thing about it?

It feels like a wildly inappropriate film to make. At a time when people are tightening their belts and trying to get by on what little money they are given, it seems tacky to make a film about how a screen goddess helped hide their wealth from the government. On top of that, the film ends with a message that it’s OK to be rich and superficial so long as you help the poor on one day of the year….by throwing a lavish ball.

Mood Indigo

Mood_Indigo_poster

What is it about?

It’s about weird French people living in a fantastical Paris and one gets sick when a lily starts growing in her lung.

Why is it one of the worst films of the year?

Because it is simply too weird. Don’t get me wrong, I love serious film’s that add a touch of the strange and fantastic. This film gets it all wrong, however, by having the weirdness eclipse the human drama to a point where nothing really makes sense. It feels like you’re watching street performers and mime-artists who managed to scrape together enough money to make a film with various political messages.

Worst thing about it?

I was so bored throughout this movie. Nothing really happens in it and the cutesy touches just become nauseating after a while.

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Sin-City-A-Dame-to-Kill-For-teaser-poster

What is it about?

Life in a fictional city where crime lords and corrupt politicians run the show.

Why is it one of the worst films of the year?

Because it was mistimed. This film should have been released years ago, closer to when the first Sin City came out. Now that it’s 2014, the momentum of the first film has been lost and the film feels kind of irrelevant. On top of that, the quality of the individual stories in this film vary from dull to pointless. On a positive note, I will say that Eve Green’s boobs look magnificent in this film but I wish Joseph Gordon Levitt got his arse out.

Worst thing about it?

Replacing Devon Aoki and the scene in which Miho kills a bunch of guys….it just looked so sloppy.

Divergent

Divergent

What is it about?

It’s about a really dull teenager who inadvertently sparks a revolution in a dystopian society simply because she a “balanced” personality.

Why is it one of the worst films of the year?

Because it’s angsty teenage trash with a crappy protagonist who likes to do the things all moronic teenage girls like to do, namely looking at herself in mirrors and fussing about boys. This film is essentially a boring version of The Hunger Games and the lead actress, Shailene Woodley, is fucking annoying. I don’t know what it is but something about her gets on my tits…maybe it’s the fact that she’s younger than me and more successful or maybe it’s that she eats clay. That’s something people in special-ed classes do. Maybe it’s to do with the fact she starred in a film this year in which two kids make out in Anne Frank’s house in Amsterdam. Who does that!? That place is a house of sombre remembrance and they decide to get busy there!!??

Worst thing about it?

The film lost me when the protagonist explains that society is split up into certain groups that match an individual’s personality type. At a certain age, kids get to choose where they want to be. As she’s explaining it all, she mentions there is a group called ‘Amity’ and that everyone there is happy. Why, then, does she decide to join the kids who all act as though they have ADHD!? Just pick the group where everyone is happy! Seems like an obvious choice.

Advertisements

5 Comments

Filed under Crap

5 responses to “Downers of 2014

  1. Abbi

    I am glad I only saw one of these films… and I actually kind of liked it. Lol!

  2. Ugh, Divergent was such a pile of crap. Pffffffffffff. And I was holding out hope for it because the books were alright!

    • The older I get the more I can’t stand young adult movies. Hunger Games is alright though. I like the direction they’re taking those films. I don’t hold out much hope for the Divergent sequel.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s