Cast: Denise Richards, David Boreanaz, Marley Shelton
Synopsis: In the run-up to Valentine’s Day, a masked man goes around offing the hot chicks that rejected him in junior high
Ooooohh gurl! We are really scraping the bottom of the holiday-slasher barrel with this turd. This film isn’t bad. It’s diabolical. The plot is clichéd, none of the characters are likeable, and the acting is as wooden as Paul McCartney’s ex’s leg. But you know what I’m going to say next, right? It’s this stuff that makes the film enjoyable! Yes, that’s right, we’ve come across another “shit but good” movie for me to take the piss out of.
Can I start by saying that these women are total bitches? Seriously, why are these women friends with each other? One is dating an alcoholic and her friends are doing virtually nothing to help. They’re all so wrapped up in their crappy little dramas like how one of them used to be fat and can’t get any dick and how one of them is dating a famous artist who wants a three-way. Who needs friends like that? One of them does help eventually by taking the miserable cow speed-dating but then cock-blocks her by flirting with the one attractive guy in the room. Who the fuck does that!? I’ll tell you who: Dr Christmas Jones!
The lack of likeable characters does, oddly enough, help the film because you end up rooting for the killer. If you can’t root for the heroes then you might as well root for the villain. This is apparent in the opening scene with Katherine Heigl. As far as celebrities go, she is one of the most shankable. Her character is equally annoying…and kind of dumpy. She is the sort of girl who practices autopsies in a scary looking building by herself with the lights off. In other words, she’s asking to be killed. I almost let out a sigh of relief or a victory cheer when it happened.
Now, some of you may get annoyed by the predictability of this film. Not me. I like it when horror movies follow the traditional formula. It’s fun to shout at the stupid white girl running up the stairs instead of out the door. It’s also fun to scream obscenities at the chick who’s going into the basement to use the hot tub by herself despite knowing that two of her friends have been horribly butchered and that her friends have been receiving death threats. Pointing out the flaws of idiots is one of life’s greatest treasures.
If I wanted a smart and unique horror film, I’d watch something like Rosemary’s Baby. I wouldn’t watch an early noughties slasher with Buffy’s boyfriend in it. Having said that, stupid horror films have their own charm and part of the fun can is figuring out what all the characters are doing wrong. For some horror movies, it’s a laugh to ask yourself: “what would I do differently?” The answer for this movie? Every fucking thing because the characters in Valentine are the worst characters to ever appear in a horror movie.
- If you’re a fan of BoJack Horseman you can make a lot of David Boreanaz jokes.
- The neighbour who breaks into the main character’s apartment to try on her panties. Hysterical.
- Katherine Heigl popping her clogs early on.
- “BITCH! DON’T GO IN THERE!”
- Objectively speaking, this is a terrible movie.
There are two types of people out there who would like this film. The first is a person who has little or no taste. The second is a person who has taste but enjoys taking the piss out of bad movies or watches them ironically. I am a film snob and a douchebag, so I fall into the latter category. If you’re the sort of person who can only watch good movies then stay away from this holiday-slasher turkey. If, on the other hand, you can laugh at other people’s failings then by all means proceed! A lot of fun can be had by pointing and laughing at stupid characters
Objective score: 3/10
Stoner score: 7/10