Cast: Milo Ventimiglia, Alyssa Milano
Synopsis: A bunch of psycho doctors smoke crack and kill people for sport and then try to guess how the murder was done.
We have a doctor in our family. My twin brother, who has gotten many shout-outs on this blog, is that doctor. He currently works in a hospital outside of London and, although I don’t see him as much as I would like to, we talk regularly. As such, I like to think I have a pretty good insight into what the life of a doctor is like. It is hard work, long hours, crazy stress, and even crazier patients. It is not a crack orgy in the morgue. If you don’t know any doctors and watch this movie, you may be fooled into thinking that’s what a career in medicine is like. Unfortunately, that is not the case. That’s what a career in law is like.
This movie gets so many things wrong. I will start with the writing because clearly the writers have never met another human being in their lifetime. Why would a doctor decide to start killing people for fun just because a bunch of “popular” kids do it? THIS ISN’T FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL! If someone came up to me and said: “Hey do you want to join our secret society but first you have to kill someone and smoke crack”, I would agree to it, wait until they left the room, and then call the cops. It wouldn’t make for a very exciting movie but I feel as though people would have more respect for me that way.
Also, what kind of person would get turned on and want to fuck another person while surrounded by dead people? The answer? No-one. No-one would get turned on. Yet this is what happens in this movie when Milo Venti-whoosit joins the team of pathologists. All of a sudden he sees some crazy red head playfully stroke a dead body and suddenly he wants to get all up inside that crazy. Seriously, a dog with two dicks would have shown more restraint.
That’s part of the reason why this film is fucking terrible: it tries to inject eroticism into a situation that is in no way sexy. Autopsies and sex do not go well together. Ever. Getting aroused while watching this film is like trying to watch someone shove a roast ham into an electrical socket. It’s an exercise in futility. That shit just won’t go. What’s worse, there’s this huge sex scene after this girl kills her abusive stepdad who she says raped her as a child. Why on earth would a guy have sex with someone who’s: 1) just killed someone; and 2) just revealed seconds before that she is the victim of sexual abuse? Does crack make you do that? If so then I’m sticking to weed. The stuff I smoked on Friday gave me couchlock so fierce I doubt I could have fucked anyone even if I wanted to.
This film gives me a headache and I think I can feel my blood pressure rising. I could go on and on about all the things that it did wrong but, for the good of my health, I think I had better stop. Just know that this film is the reason why I have no faith in mankind.
- Milo Venti-something or other has a cute ass.
- Why is everything on screen happening? Why is no-one acting like a normal person? Why is that Asian woman getting off with the redhead woman while those guys are cutting some dead person open!?
- Alyssa Milano was rude about that girl’s dress. I mean, she said she liked it and all but you can tell she was lying. The dress was fucking ugly but you don’t need to draw attention to it. Just don’t say anything. Rude.
- Aaaahhhh, nipple piercing! AAAAAAAAAAHHHH NEEDLE IN THE EAR!!!
- “You never forget your first fuck.” Perhaps the worst thing that could ever be said about child abuse.
This movie is like when you show up for a Grindr/Tinder date and the other person shows up and looks very little like the photo they sent you. That sweeping sense of mortification is present in this film also. Proceed with caution.