Cast: Wesley Snipes, Stephen Dorff
Synopsis: Blade, a human-vampire hybrid, goes on a rampage against the vampire world and some spoilt rich-white kid who wants to awaken a God to help enslave humanity.
Blade is another one of those films I used to stay up late on school nights for when I was a kid. It was the sort of film that got shown on Channel 5. For those of you who don’t know, Channel 5 is a channel on terrestrial British TV which, when it first went live, showed all sorts of weird shit because it didn’t have the money to get decent programming. In its earlier days, it would show on Friday night films like Emmanuelle, Color of Night, and the instant classic, Mirror Images 2. However, when it got more cash together, it managed to get some halfway decent films.
Maybe I was at that age in childhood when you think most films are good but, for some reason, I thought Blade was a great film in particular. I hadn’t seen it in about a decade so I thought I would watch it again to see if it geld up against the exacting standards I impose today. Long story short, it did not……BUT that shouldn’t suggest I didn’t enjoy it. As you all know by now, I can find humour in even the darkest situations. Hell, I even laughed at all the child abuse going on in Mommie Dearest.
So, what exactly is so funny about Blade. Well, firstly, how about the fact that it’s all about bareback-anal-rave-sex and getting infected with HIV in 90s LA. I can’t think of a worse time and place to get infected with HIV. Not only are you sick, but you also have to put up with some really crazy looking people to boot.
Seriously though, just listed to the dialogue in this film….it’s all about “blood diseases,” “blood infections,” and “finding a cure.” Hell, even when the lead female gets bitten the holes on her neck pucker up like two assholes. I would be so pissed if I got bitten by a vampire and all I got to show for it is two gaping buttholes right under my face.
And can we talk about this female lead for a second? The actress’ name is N’Bushe Wright but I’m pretty sure it should be “Michelle from Destiny’s Child.” I call her Michelle from Destiny’s Child because her primary job in this film is to fill space and then pop up at random moments and harmonise/conveniently cure a disease which has no doubt stumped better minds than hers for centuries.
Another great thing about this movie is that it is a perfect Blaxploitation movie for the 90s: political, angry, fueled with anal sex metaphors, and critical of sneaky-rich white folk who manage to lure sisters into their beds. When I say sister, I mean like the Moesha kind of sister not like the Sister Sister kind of sister. Having said that, there is a weird scene in which Blade looks like he’s fucking his dead mother so if you’re into that sort of thing then this movie will still satisfy….you sick freak.
- So Blade throws Michelle off a roof and then almost onto the third rail and not only is she unhurt but she also decides to stick around with him. WTF is wrong with her!?
- The train face smash was pretty epic.
- The weirdly hysterical and inappropriate “incest” scene.
- Buttholes on the neck….WHY????
- The fat vampire bit was kind of grim….and cruel. It’s like listening to someone kick a puppy and you feel really sad and then you realise that the puppy is actually an obese vampire. You know it’s not the same thing but you still feel bad.
- C’mon Stephen Dorff…..really?
All in all, Blade is a pretty funny film. While it certainly shows its age in the special effects department….and in the wardrobe department….and in most other departments for that matter, it still has a level of sentimental value. It reminds me of what life was like for me back in the cultural black hole that was the 1990s. Thank God I was a child growing up in rural England back then….no anonymous anal-rave sex for me!