Cast: Robin Shou, Talisa Soto, Brian Thompson
Synopsis: The evil emperor Shao Kahn opens a portal from Outworld to Earthrealm because why not? A bunch of clueless heroes then have to fight the emperor and his minions, performing virtually none of the cool fatalities you remember so fondly from the game.
A few weeks ago I reviewed the first Mortal Kombat movie and gave it something of a favourable review. Sure, it’s a shit film but it was enjoyable in a “what was I thinking” kind of way and it had this kind of retro 90s coke-binge techno techno vibe going. If the first film was a techno coke rave though, then the sequel is a heroin trip on a urine-soaked mattress in the corner of an apartment owned by some guy named Steve.
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is what you get when you put unscrupulous movie executives looking to make a quick buck and desperate actors in the same room. I admit, that sounds pretty cynical, but you can’t really deny it when the plot literally consists of people moving from place-to-place and meeting all sorts of randomers just so the audience to say to itself: “Hey, I recognise that character.” Included in this film are all the characters you loved from the game that weren’t in the first movie because the writers had self-restraint. In this film you get to see: the four-armed woman with big boobs; the woman in pink with big boobs; the woman in green with big boobs but now she’s Asian and has had too much plastic surgery; and older screaming woman with big boobs. Also, there’s a Native American guy (who was not played by an actual Native American). You’d think that, with a cast list so large, there must be at least one good actor in the bunch. Turns out there’s not.
However, it’s not the melange of characters that ruins this film. If I had to pick one thing which really broke the camel’s back it would be the visual effects which oscillate between cringing and diabolical. The scene where Sonia blows pink fairy dust into a flame thereby creating a fireball which destroys the robot is not just visually awful but it’s scientifically irresponsible. Thankfully, I passed chemistry in high school so I know what happens if you blow flammable powder into fire. In short: BANG! Fire in your face. It’s the final fight scene between the dragon and hydra-thing, however, which takes home the award for crappiest visual effects. It was so terrible it made the shark from Jaws: The Revenge look like one of the blue aliens from Avatar.
After reading the last two paragraphs, you must be thinking: “is there anything in this movie which wasn’t shit?” The answer to that question is a resounding no. Then again, I wasn’t expecting much to begin with. In the opening few minutes someone utters the line: “It’s about life.” Anyone who has played Mortal Kombat knows that is utter bull shit. It’s about ripping the heads off of your enemies after convincing your mum that the game is actually appropriate for ten year olds to play. Of course the movie was going to be shit, introducing some spiritual mumbo jumbo and lessons about life and love. Bah! One day I hope the franchise gets the adaptation is really deserves.
- Some of the fight scenes are impressive.
- Bitches fighting in mud.
- Disco-ball-shoe distraction hilarity.
- Everything else about this movie.
Hysterical if watched with friends, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation is the perfect example of what not to do when making a movie based on a video game. In fact, this movie is a perfect example of what not to do when making a movie. Period. Watch this movie and laugh at the stilted acting, the wonky and unnatural dialogue, and the eye-gougingly bad special effects. This is a movie that will lift your spirits by giving you something to look down on and sneer at.