Genre: Horror, Erotic Drama
Cast: Gary Oldman, Winona Ryder, Anthony Hopkins, Keanu Reeves
Synopsis: Count Dracula comes to London and causes quite the masturbatory scandal among the ladies of the upper classes.
If there are two things that go well together, it’s scary movies and sexiness. I’ll let you in on a little secret. If I’m trying to get into a fine-ass gentleman’s pants, I’ll suggest that he come over to my crib and watch a horror movie with me. Then, if he gets scared, I’ll put my arm around his shoulders. “It’s all right baby,” I’ll say. “I’ll protect you….with my penis.” Works like a charm.
Horror is genuinely a sexy genre: sexy teens evading a serial killer; sexy teens fighting a monster; sexy teens getting scared by ghosts. You get the picture. But what’s the sexiest sub-genre of them all? Easy, it’s the vampire sub-genre. Those movies are all about the sins of the flesh thanks to British Victorian prudishness. Last weekend I decided to watch an adaptation of the story that kicked off all the blood-sucking hotness, but was it as sexy as I was hoping?
In truth, no. It’s hard to get aroused when you have to listen to Keanu Reeves butcher an English accent. Great Britain has some of the best actors around. Two of them are even featured in this movie. So why the hell is Keanu Reeves playing an English lawyer? Listening to him speak was like having a rusty ice pick jammed into my ear canals. LISTEN TO IT!!! However, I want to say that Winona Ryder’s accent was worse. Although Keanu Reeves’ accent was diabolical, he never got it right. Not once. It’s hard to be angry at him for not being able to do something which he does not have the skill set to accomplish. Winona, on the other hand, had instances where she kind of nailed the accent before it slipped into cockney territory. Also, Winona is a good actress. She should be able to crack the accent. Here it feels like she got lazy and that’s what I find irritating.
Despite the crappy accents from two of the film’s central characters (the American ones), Gary Oldman and Anthony Hopkins put in stellar performances as Count Dracula and Van Helsing. They both run circles around Keanu and Winona and steal every scene that they’re in. Oldman in particular impresses. At the start of the film, he glides into scenes with a twisted eeriness that is both haunting and convincing. Later on, he charms as a dashing foreigner. As an actor, Oldman really is a chameleon.
Is Oldman a sexy Dracula though? Not really, no. He looks like some kind of greasy gypsy, which I guess is appropriate because this movie is all about xenophobia and the fear of foreigners coming into our country and having sexy times with our women. As far as villains go, Dracula is supposed to be sexiest but I was let down. This one really wasn’t that much of a panty dropper. Maybe it’s because he has sex with Victorian floozies while in the form of a wolf-man. I’m as open-minded as they come but bestiality is where I draw the line. Maybe it’s a matter of personal taste though. I think people project their fantasies onto vampires and there have been so many different kinds over the years. If you like broody foreigners, then Dracula is for you. If you like emo teens, Twilight. In my case, I like sexually confused Southern hunks. It’s got to be Interview with the Vampire.
- Excellent sound editing. I found out later it won an Oscar for it.
- I want Mina Harker’s garden, study, and pet peacocks. Now. I want I wish I was a wealthy Victorian.
- Lesbianism fun-times in the maze in the rain.
- Winona’s bouncing breasts in the wind…if you’re into that sort of thing. I’m not but her face is hysterical. It’s like: “WTF are these things!?”
- The accents! They ruin any sense of realism.
- Lucy is such a cock tease but all she wanted was a good wank.
Despite its faults (and there are a few), I quite enjoyed this movie. I don’t think it’s as good as Interview with the Vampire. Then again, what is as good as two gay southern gents adopting a bitchy gutter snipe? If you’re interested in sexy and strange foreign men then you might find this appealing in an erotic way. I didn’t but to each their own. However, there is one thing we can all agree on. Keanu Reeves does the worst accent ever and it’s worth watching this movie just to take the piss out of it.