Cast: James McAvoy, Morgan Freeman, Angelina Jolie
Synopsis: A bunch of lunatics kill a whole lot of people because a magical loom tells them to.
There’s a lot of evil in the world: Kim Jong-un, Charles Manson, great white sharks. Another great evil currently plaguing our planet, but largely the US, is gun crime and shooting sprees. Why is it that mass shootings are so prevalent in the US? I have a feeling that the movie Wanted can provide some answers to that question.
This is the sort of film that glamorises shooting people in the head. Here you have a main character who is so bored with his life that he decides to join a group of assassins who decide to kill people because a piece of medieval furniture tells them to. What’s more, all the kills are presented in super-cool slow motion so you can really see the brains splatter after the bullet curves around a room (because science). Is it really any wonder that some people cultivate really unhealthy relationships with weapons after seeing movies like this? It’s not just the stylised ultra-violence or the absolutely ludicrous plot that got on my tits though. It was everything about this movie. Absolutely. Everything. In fact, this movie is so blood-boilingly bad, I want to blame all of life’s problems on it…including world hunger.
The truth is that I had come to expect better from the cast in this film. Morgan Freeman? You have an Oscar, you can do better (even if your recent filmography suggests otherwise). Angelina Jolie? You have an Oscar too and you help poor children whose parent are dead because of war and armed conflict. James McAvoy? OK, you don’t have an Oscar but I like you. But I don’t like the Wanted version of you. I like this version of you: the shy posh boy who would give you a rogering in the library of a country estate. After looking at the cast list, you would expect very good things but that feeling disintegrates quickly once you start watching the film and all but shatters when they bring out the magical loom and none of the characters say: “what the actual fuck???”
Seriously, if I appeared out of nowhere and said my dish cloth was telling me to kill Obama you would all think I had gone bat-shit insane. It worries me greatly that nobody questions it when this team of assassins decide to kill random people based on some limps and bumps on a cloth. Maybe they were more convincing because they live in a castle and because they tell cringing stories of the past beside flickering candles? Who the fuck knows? Point is, they’re all morons. In the end, James McAvoy shoots someone and says how he took control of his life, asking: “What the fuck have you done lately?” You want to know what I haven’t done lately? Fucking shoot somebody in the face! Mama didn’t raise no hooligan.
I could go on and on and on about what else about this film is terrible. The film is 110 minutes long and I would say about 109.5 minutes are unbearable. The only thing that was a perk was that you get to see Chris Pratt’s butt (unless an ass double was used). Still, even Chris Pratt’s ass is not worth almost two hours of this torture.
- Chris Pratt’s ass.
- Marc Warren as the human shield.
- The glamorisation of the violence is kind of sickening.
- “I believe I can see the future!” Worst soundtrack ever.
- Total disregard for physics. BULLETS DO NOT CURVE! Moreover, if a bullet flies past your face in slow motion, your hair is not going to ripple as if it’s caught in a soft breeze at normal speed. AAAAAHHHHH! HULK SMASH!!!!!!
Please don’t do this to yourself. There is so much to live for.