Genre: Romance, Comedy
Cast: Julia Roberts, Javier Bardem, James Franco
Synopsis: A spoilt white bitch goes on a journey of self-discovery by acting like an obnoxious tourist in Italy, joining a cult in India, and falling in love with a really creepy guy with emotional issues in Indonesia.
Everybody gets those days when they just want to punch someone, right? You might have had a bad day at work or you might have had to fork over a ton of cash for a surprise expense, for instance. On those days all you really want to do is just level someone’s face with a sledgehammer. Unfortunately, law and impulse control prevent us from committing acts of satisfying violence/justice. However, when I was having a really bad day last week, I remembered a piece of advice The Simpsons gave for beating stress: write a threatening letter to a celebrity. Although that is still very much illegal, writing a bitchy post on a blog is not so long as it reads like a critique. So, with that in mind, I had to find a celebrity I really disliked. Easy. Julia Roberts. What’s a really terrible movie she’s been in? Again, no brainer. Eat Pray Love or, as I now call it, Stereotype Whine Settle for Unrealistic yet Terrible Expectations.
This movie is essentially split into four parts: 1) Julia Roberts’ character’s shitty life pre-pseudo-enlightenment; 2) Italy, where she stereotypes the locals and realises food is awesome; 3) India, where she joins a cult and looks terrible in a sari; and 4) Indonesia, where she meets and falls a guy who you would ordinarily cross the street to avoid. I shall deal with each part in turn.
Right from the outset, I knew that Julia Roberts’ character, Liz, was a cunt. She’s so fucking irritating. You can tell she’s the sort of woman who would say something racist and then say: “I’m not a racist. My best friend is black.” Her best friend is played by Viola Davis who can do so much better. Anyway, Liz gets divorced from her husband and, yeah, that’s sad but then she gets into a destructive relationship with James Franco who’s playing James Franco. My sympathy has jumped out the fucking window. Anyway, Liz realises what she needs is a vacation. No shit. Off to Italy.
This was probably the best part of the movie because of all the yummy food on display. I got the munchies real bad. What was annoying about this part though? Liz walks straight into Italy and is all like: “Wow, food is great!” Are you fucking kidding me!? I could have told you that in an instant and it would have saved you money on flights. Of course food is great! Has she never had a double double animal style??? What’s worse is the scene when she’s sat on a bench eating ice cream with nuns and she looks all surprised and smug like she’s just let out a really satisfying fart. Just look at the picture above. LOOK AT IT!!! Even nuns eat ice cream you unenlightened bitch. Anyway, after milling around Italy for a while she moves on to India for a spiritual quest.
Liz goes to India and joins a cult and wears a really unflattering sari and puts a diamond in between her eyebrows *eye-roll*. Seriously, this place is clearly a cult and after maybe a few months at the compound she begins to know all answers to questions which have stumped philosophers for their entire lives. She becomes that person who travels for a bit and returns home and talks about how she found herself and how humbling it was to see poor people…all before buying some totally ridiculous and unnecessary product from Bed Bath and Beyond. Also, does she break her vow of silence? Once satisfied that she has found God, she moves on to Indonesia to find someone who can actually put up with her shit.
Once in Indonesia, she revisits a medicine man who read her fortune the year before and told her she would come back and he would teach her everything he knew. He’s forgotten her but then pretends like he remembers. This is the point in the movie when she should have realised the whole thing was a scam. She doesn’t and then just rolls with it. Then she moves into a disgustingly expensive apartment while she’s surrounded by poverty and then she takes pity on two locals and gets all her western friends to pay vast sums through white guilt (except Viola Davis). She helps two people. WORLD POVERTY IS SOLVED!!! Now she just needs to find a man and she can be truly happy. She meets Javier Bardem who is essentially playing a woman with a penis: the supposed feminist dream. Under no circumstances is Bardem’s character appealing. He’s so wet and annoyingly emotional. Roberts and Bardem share absolutely no chemistry so watching them on screen is like watching a really awkward Grindr hook up. The characters’ love for each other is so hollow you really don’t care if they end up together or not. I guess that’s what you get when Ryan Murphy writes the screenplay and directs: Glee for out-of-touch white women and gay guys.
My masculinity took a real hit after watching this movie. I hope you all appreciate the things I do for this blog.
- Cussing out Julia Roberts and Ryan Murphy. Stress relief!!!!
- Beautiful scenery.
- It’s hilarious how feminist this movie thinks it’s being.
- See above. It’s late and I’m getting tired. I can’t be a bitch 24/7.
I hated this movie…but my inner bitch loved it. This is the sort of movie you should watch when you want to crack open a bottle of wine without judgment and be reminded of how awful wealthy white people can truly be. Keep a DVD copy in a glass case next to a hammer. Under no circumstances should you watch this film for any other reason. It’s not uplifting, it’s not funny, and it’s not clever. It’s Julia Roberts rubbing her awesome life in your face. Fuck that bitch.