Cast: Robin Shou, Bridgette Wilson, Christopher Lambert
Synopsis: Warriors from earth do battle against a soul-stealing sorcerer in a martial arts tournament in order to save the Earth.
Hello everyone! I have returned from a hectic three weeks of travel and I hope you have missed me. First, I was in Japan for two weeks or so for a vacation. I then returned to London for about three days before flying off to Miami for work. In Miami I worked 15 hour days so, needless to say, I am freaking exhausted. Upon my return, all I wanted to do was sleep and watch movies to relax. Unfortunately, I landed at 7am on Thursday and had a deadline so it was straight into the office. The crazy life of an international business journalist! Last night I was finally able to get some time to myself and I decided to put on a childhood favourite.
I was six when this movie came out and, at the time, I thought Mortal Kombat was the best thing ever. My brother and I used to spend hours on the Sega Megadrive ripping off each other’s heads, tearing out each others’ spines, and generally being all around cunts. Our fanaticism reached new heights one Halloween when my brother, a friend, and I went trick-or-treating as the ninjas from Mortal Kombat. In short, I was dedicated.
Ageing is a sad process not only because your bladder gets weaker and because your risk of a stroke sky rockets but also because the veil of childhood excitement and simplicity gets lifted. Mortal Kombat the movie is really a steaming pile of shit. I mean, it is Paul W. S. Anderson film after all. After attending a recent screening of Event Horizon at the Prince Charles Cinema in London, I have become convinced that he has not done a good movie. Ever. Clunky, overwrought, and overacted, Mortal Kombat was a fail of the biggest sort from start to finish. But, if Scarlet Takes a Tumble and Beyonce Clown Fail have taught me anything about life, it’s that failing isn’t so bad. In fact, it can be pretty fucking funny.
Whether it’s the 90s-electro-glow-stick-coke-binge soundtrack, the clumsy fight scenes, or Bridgette Wilson’s taibo dance routine in which she breaks some Aussie dude’s neck with her thighs of steel (the very epitome of feminism), there’s a lot to take the piss out of and therefore enjoy. To enjoy Mortal Kombat though, you need to a totally suspend your good taste and judgment. Much like sneaking to the fridge in the middle of the night to finish off the other 75 per cent of that chocolate cake, watching Mortal Kombat is oh so satisfying but somewhat dirty and nobody who thinks straight would do it. Fortunately, exhaustion and jet leg wears down your barriers. Although I’m not proud to say that I watched this film (and even less proud to admit that I enjoyed it), I must admit that at the time it felt like the right thing to do.
- FINISH HIM! FLAWLESS VICTORY! TEST YOUR MIGHT! All my favourite catch phrases from childhood.
- Sexy revenge in a tank-top.
- Hilariously bad fight scenes.
- Reptile was the best character in the game and it’s sad to see that his role in the movie is so shit. He used to vomit acid and all that cool stuff.
- Where’s Mileena? Where’s Sindel? Where’s that half-horse-half-cow-half-human fucker? Oh wait…..they’re in the sequel….which is even more shocking than this film, if you can believe that.
- God damn it Kitana, you suck.
You can do better. You really can. But, then again, do you always want to? For those moments when you’re out of your mind and just want something ridiculous on the TV, Mortal Kombat is a safe bet. I hadn’t seen this movie in about 15 years and, although I could remember most of the dialogue and the scenes, it was like watching it for the first time all over again. A movie that affects you differently over time is always a special thing so I can’t grade this film too harshly.
As a final point, I thought I would share some photos from Japan with you. Before I went I bought a very nice vintage camera so as to complete the hipster look. I was very happy with how the photos came out so I thought I would post the best ones here to allow you to see what I got up to. I hope you enjoy them.