The Canyons (2013)

The Canyons

Genre: Thriller, Dama

Cast: Lindsay Lohan, James Deen, Gus Van Sant (cameo)

Synopsis: Some guy is in the film industry and his girlfriend is banging the lead actor. Then someone gets stabbed and they film sex on i-phones. I don’t know what else to say.

Anyone who has read American Psycho will know that not only is Bret Easton Ellis a very talented writer, but he is also seriously fucked in the head. For some strange reason, I had high expectations for this movie. Great writer? Check.  Great director? Errrm….sort of. I mean, Paul Schrader did direct Cat People, my erotic guilty favourite, so I’ll let that slip. Talented cast?…Well…hmmm. You know what? I think my expectations were a little off.

Now, I love watching Lindsay Lohan do stupid shit but there’s something about this movie that’s actually quite sad because, in some ways, I imagine it’s what her life is like: wandering around a mansion wearing nothing but stilettoes; hooking up with people through a grindr-like app; filming three-ways with James Deen; and looking at texts from her lover on a big TV screen while her boyfriend is in the next room. Basically, a pretty fucked-up existence. It’s quite weird looking at her earlier stuff because she was so wholesome and sweet, running around with her twin and tricking her parents into getting back together. Now she gets her boobs out and watches James Deen get his knob gobbled by a dude….which is kind of hot in a really dirty way.

I’m not saying that Lindsay Lohan’s character’s craziness ruins the film. Far from it in fact: It’s one of the things that makes the film watchable. However, when you remember how bat-shit insane and intense Patrick Bateman was in American Psycho and how beautifully crafted that story was, The Canyons feels like such a let-down because the drama is synthetic and muted. Rather than creating something really shocking and poignant for the i-phone generation, it feels as though Bret Easton Ellis tried to fit the 80s lifestyle into modern-day LA and it doesn’t really work because nobody lives like it’s the fucking 80s because we’re all dirt-poor since the economic crash! I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I can’t stomach movies about the insanely rich and this film’s the worst because I’m pretty sure that even the richest among us don’t live like this. Instead of feeling sorry for the people in this film, I just wanted to punch these people in the throat.

Despite my rage at the characters, there are still some good things about this movie….such as full frontal nudity. God I love full frontal nudity, especially when James Deen is involved. I know he’s a bit of skeezey porn star but he is fun to look at. Also, if I remember correctly, you get to see Lindsay Lohan’s fun bags which is harrowing. At least I think I saw her boobs…maybe it was a cheeky side-boob shot. Anyway, on that basis alone The Canyons is worth the watch but just don’t expect traditional Bret Easton Ellis.


  • Lindsay Lohan’s boobs.
  • Full-frontal nudity.


  • Bret Easton Ellis going downhill.
  • I will never have a fourgy thanks to this film.
  • Who the fuck walks around their house in stiletto heels!?


On the Lindsay Lohan career spectrum, this one ranks somewhere in the middle, between Just My Luck and Speak, her debut studio album….yeah, remember when she was a singer? Wow, what a trip down memory lane. Anyway, this movie is disappointing but it’s not the worst thing going. You just have to approach this movie with no expectations and forget that Bret Easton Ellis wrote it. Instead, imagine it was some guy who is fresh out of film school.




Filed under Drama, Meh, Thriller

2 responses to “The Canyons (2013)

  1. Abbi

    Bizarrely your review has made me really want to watch this. I love a bit of total fucked-upness.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s