The Dark Crystal (1982)


Genre: Kids, Horror

Cast: It’s a bunch of freaky-ass animatronic puppets

Synopsis: Jen, a “Gelfling” (whatever the fuck THAT is) must embark on a quest to restore balance to his world by returning a lost shard of crystal to a fuck off huge gem.

When I was a kid, one of my favourite films to watch at this time of year was (and still is) A Muppet Christmas Carol. I love that movie so much that I went to a sing-a-long of it yesterday which was incredible. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to watch another Jim Henson film to prepare myself for the Muppet Christmas wonderfulness so I decided to watch The Dark Crystal after finding a director’s cut of it online. I had never seen this film as a kid and let’s just say that I was unprepared for its creepy weirdness.

The animatronics in this film were revolutionary for their time and they certainly are impressive. However, it is technology that should never have been used to bring some of the creepiest characters to life. The villains in this film are some of the freakiest things ever to be show on film. They’re like these emaciated people-lizard-vultures that worship this evil crystal and are about as terrifying as Angelica Houston in The Witches. Even the heroes in this movie creeped me out because they looked like children who had some really bad plastic surgery done to them in order to fulfil some kind of twisted Lord of the Rings fantasy. Quite frankly, I’m surprised I didn’t get nightmares from some of these puppets and I can only guess at how many children were scarred for life by this movie.

I wish I could comment more upon the actual plot of The Dark Crystal but I was so baked when I watched this. I basically got some new stuff from a friend and it was stronger than I expected. For about 75 per cent of the movie I convinced myself that the characters were not speaking English. I therefore began to think that I was watching some kind of nature documentary but with really ugly creatures. Before I knew it I was most of the way through the movie and I realised that they were actually speaking English and then some vulture-like prozzie showed up and then there was a surprise shanking. That is truly all I was able to get from this film and I had to wiki it once it was over.

Despite not really understanding a lot of this film, at the end I thought that there was something very familiar about it. After thinking about it for a while I realised that the plot was almost identical to one of the greatest shows one earth, Through the Dragon’s Eye. Now, if you went to an English primary school you probably would have watched this and probably loved every second of it. It’s a series which teaches kids to read and count and it follows three proper London brats as they travel to a magical land and have to find crystal shards to fix the world’s life-force-gem called the Veetacore. That shit is intense and it’s got some epic fight scenes. If you grew up without this then I pity you and you must educate yourself immediately. Get stoned before you do though; the word and counting puzzles become surprisingly challenging if you do.


  • Surprise shanking was a pretty good twist.
  • Creepy as hell.
  • Reminded me of one of the greatest TV shows ever made.


  • I had absolutely no idea what was going on in this movie.


I suspect that The Dark Crystal is actually a really good movie and seriously trippy. However, I just did not get it. One thing is for sure, I will not be showing this movie of nightmares to my future children. No, I think I’ll stick to watching a man in a papier-mâché dragon costume fight a skeleton-wizard. If you would like to watch The Dark Crystal, however, I suggest you pay attention to what’s going on and try not to get distracted by the animatronic carnival of horrors.




Filed under Horror, Kids, Meh

2 responses to “The Dark Crystal (1982)

  1. This was hysterical! I loved this movie when I was a kid and still consider it a beloved classic. However, if I had seen it during my formidable “herb years”, I imagine it would have been freaky as shit. Cheers, well done!

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