Celebrity children double feature: If I become famous I’m getting my tubes tied

I am so glad that my parents were not famous. There must be all kinds of pressure on celebrity children to be as big and accomplish as much as their parents, many of whom are actually talented. However, talent (unlike type 2 diabeetus) does not always run in the family. Today’s double feature focusses on two films featuring celebrity guttersnipes and examines why these films suck donkey-balls. One thing is for certain. After watching these two movies I have come to the conclusion that if I ever get famous I will have my tubes tied so no offspring of mine will sully my name with mediocre attempts make it big.

After Earth (2013)

After_Earth_Poster

Genre: Sci-Fi, Action/Adventure

Cast: Will Smith, Jaden Smith, Sophie Okonedo

Synopsis: Sometime in the future, humans abandon Earth and settle on a new planet. There’s some kind of war going on with aliens and the only way to kill them is to mask your fear so they don’t see you…….anyway, Will Smith and his son get stranded on Earth for some reason and Jaden now has to learn to mask his fear by fighting pimped lions and eagles.

This is M. Night Shyamalama’s best film in years. I didn’t mean that as compliment though because this movie is pretty fucking boring. After Earth is essentially an extremely expensive publicity stunt for the Smith family. The male Smiths star in it. Jada helped produce it…and I’m sure Willow was involved somehow, when she wasn’t singing songs about her BF even though she’s 12. Plus, the movie becomes all sorts of weird when you take into account the Smith’s freaky interviews when they talk about numbers and shit. Basically, the whole fucked up situation surrounding the film meant that I absolutely had to review it.

I’ll reiterate: this film is so fucking boring! Even the fight scenes are dull because under no circumstance will the audience sympathise or care about the two lead characters. Will Smith is essentially a robot in this movie and Jaden is a whiny little bitch. Cypher and Kitai Raige (*gags) are two of the least developed characters I have ever had the misfortune of watching in a film. As the film progresses, you end up wanting the lion to savage Jaden because at least then that will put a stop to the movie. Alas, that never happens and instead we’re subjected to 90 minutes of Jaden learning how to supress his emotions and get to grips with an accent that can only be described as a cross between South African and Gungan from Star Wars: Episode I….”Youssa people gonnaa die!?”

What I don’t understand is this: After Earth had a budget of $130 million. That’s $30 million more than Gravity. However, the film’s graphics look really shoddy. Now, I’m not in the special effects industry so I cannot pretend that I know all there is to know about it but if you can make something as spectacular as Gravity (which is nothing but special effects) for $30 million less, then why do films like After Earth happen? I sincerely hope that someone was skimming money off the top because I don’t want to face up to the possibility that Hollywood studios are filled with talentless hacks who don’t know how produce an excellent yet cost-effective film.

If there is one saving-grace in the film (and it’s a big if) it’s that it acts as a stress-squeezer. Have you ever had one of those days, or even weeks, where nothing goes right and you really just want to punch someone? Well, this is the movie for you. After Earth allows you take your anger out on people with no repercussions and, what’s more, the movie gives you THREE people to target: Will Smith, Jaden Smith, and M. Night himself. If you feel like your head is about to explode with anger, then put this film on and shout and scream until your vocal chords are raw and then take satisfaction that you will never do anything as bad as this film.

High-lights:

  • Strangely therapeutic thanks to the opportunities to bash once-popular and talented celebrities.

Downers:

  • Jaden Smith and Will Smith is one film is too much to handle and [SPOLER ALERT] both survive the movie.
  • Seriously, what accent is that???
  • Despite all these awesome animals, nothing happens. Absolutely nothing.

Summary:

Objectively speaking, this is a better movie than The Happening. However, that film was truly fucking hysterical and, after watching After Earth, I can’t help but think that M Night Shyamalama has lost his sense of humour, if he ever possessed one. Honestly, I think this movie is best avoided, even if you are out of your mind on illicit substances. The film is too pretentious and empty to be worth your time.

2.5/10

LOL (2012)

LOL_2012_movie_poster

Genre: Drama, Romance

Cast: Miley Cyrus, Demi Moore, Gina Gershon

Synopsis: A few days in the life of a Miley Cyrus-esque teenager……KILL ME NOW!

Out of the frying-pan and into the fucking fire. I think that’s how that saying goes. If you though After Earth was boring and pointless, then you ain’t seen nothing yet. LOL is essentially Miley Cyrus’s “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” phase à la Britney Spears circa 2002 but much worse. Whereas Britney was marketed as the all-American apple pie-living teenager everybody could relate to, Miley Cyrus in this movie is the epitome of everything wrong with Millennials in this movie…and that’s coming from a Millennial.

I know Millennial-bashing has become one of the most popular past-times this year and it’s all a complete load of crap, but this movie really does not give me hope for the future if every American teen is like Miley Cyrus or her character. For starters, Miley Cyrus has one of the most irritating voices known to man so her character, “LOL” is instantly unlikable. Couple that with her character’s general narcissism, selfishness and access to Twitter and you got yourself a perfect storm of entitled teenage douche-baggery. This is perhaps best seen when LOL goes on a French exchange and has sex with her weird looking teen musician boyfriend in his host family’s spare bedroom. YOU ARE A GUEST IN ANOTHER PERSON’S HOUSE!!!! Did your mamma not teach you any manners? You know what? Don’t answer that because the audience gets to see the sort of household that LOL grew up in. Let’s just say that it’s a “naked house.”

I hope I’m not the only Millennial who feels no sense of connection to Miley Cyrus. I am so glad that I was a child during that wonderful period before the internet became accessible to everyone at any time. When I have kids, they will not get phones until they are 16 and even then they will be the clunky, ugly but so wonderfully practical Nokia 3310s. There will be none of this app bullshit and they will not have facebook accounts until they are 18 and out of my house. I will not be the type of parent that Demi Moore is in this film. For starters, I will not let my children anywhere near Gina Gerson. I’ve seen what that lady does….fellating chicken legs and don’t even get me started on the shit she gets up to in Showgirls.

In a way, LOL is a guide about how not to raise your children in the modern age. Therefore, it should be mandatory viewing for expecting parents. It may be painful. You may have to strap yourself into a chair and force open your eyelids like in A Clockwork Orange but at the end of the day you’ll thank me when your daughter isn’t twerking up on the stage and flashing her Brazilian….which does actually happen in this movie.

High-lights:

  • The sense of satisfaction I received when I realised I was nothing like Miley Cyrus.

Downers:

  • Demi Moore’s character. I was under the impression that she was a mother with more money than sense. Also, she’s one of those parents whose only joy comes from bitching about life with her equally rich and empty-headed friends when passing a joint. Also, she has no clue how to mount a motorcycle.
  • The self-indulgent teenage angst.

Summary:

Why do I do this to myself?

1/10

Advertisements

8 Comments

Filed under Action/Adventure, Crap, Drama, Romance, Sci-Fi

8 responses to “Celebrity children double feature: If I become famous I’m getting my tubes tied

  1. Tom

    Yeah, After Earth sucked I’m not going to lie. I didn’t know what the budget was for it, though, which makes things even worse!! How they managed to cough up this shitpile and Gravity did much better with less is beyond me.

    Also, I had no idea Miley Cyrus’ character’s name was the title of the movie. That makes a lot of sense. . . he says, sarcastically. Staying clear of that claptrap too. 😀

    • Sorry for the late reply! I am so confused about the budget with After Earth. The accountant who worked on that movie should hang his head in shame.

      Nothing in LOL makes sense….it is a labyrinth of horrors!

  2. Never has a more apt summary for LOL ever been stated. Such a bad film on all levels.

  3. Well, on the upside, your review of LOL (which I did not know existed until just now, THANKS) made me literally LOL, so…

  4. LOL LOL! Love your reviews. Especially of LOL. That movie sounds like everything I hate about this world. I can’t believe you’re a Millennial – you’re cool. Thanks for giving me a tiny bit of hope for the future. : )

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s