Cast: Pierce Brosnan, Michelle Yeoh, Teri Hatcher
Synopsis: In this sexy adventure, 007 must stop a crazy media mogul who wants to start WWIII because…well…I’m not really sure why. I guess it’s because he wants more money but the guy’s super rich anyway so I don’t know what it would accomplish.
As some of you may know, I’m a big fan of James Bond and, thanks to one epic marathon on ITV in my childhood, I have seen every last one of them. Of all the James Bond movies, this one ranks somewhere in the middle: it’s no Skyfall but it’s not Die Another Day (SIGMUND FREUD!) either. However, I quite enjoy Tomorrow Never Dies because it clearly belongs in the “preposterous Bond film” category along with Moonraker and A View to a Kill. I mean, Rupert Murdoch (cleverly disguised as “Elliot Carver”) wanting to start a war/take over the world? It’s just as ridiculous as, yet somewhat more humourous than, the idea of an invisible car. I like watching these kinds of Bond films on rainy and boring Sunday afternoons because they’re the sort of films you don’t have to think about.
Unfortunately, weed has a tendency to make me think and Tomorrow Never Dies’ high-budget Hollywood craziness was a turn off at times. For instance, the reliance on non-existent technology was frustrating. I don’t think technology is so far advanced that MI6 has incredibly hi-tech cameras lying around every weapons market which can take detailed photos. If anything, the British government can only pull up a couple of grainy photos from an ancient satellite because, let’s face it, we are England. Also, nowadays this plot would be impossible (well, even more impossible) because the internet and smart phones have revolutionized the way we transmit and receive news. If some dude (Richard Murdoch) decided to ram a ship with some kind of drill, someone would just take a pic and be like “Oh hey, #RichardMurdoch just rammed our boat with some kind of #drill #lol.”
The film does have some genuinely awesome things going for it though. Firstly, Sheryl Crow’s opening song is one of the most underrated Bond songs in my opinion. The song has this kind of 90s grunge-sex appeal to it. Secondly, Michelle Yeoh actually makes for a pretty good Bond girl. Maybe that’s because Michelle Yeoh is fucking awesome and will cut you if you cross her. I’ve seen Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon…lesson learned: don’t fuck with a bitch who can fly. Yeoh brings this scrappy playfulness to her character and avoids being an annoying drip like so many other Bond girls…Stacey Sutton, I’m looking at you. Finally, Teri Hatcher bites the bullet early on, which is a relief because the idea of having her in the entire movie put the fear of God in me.
- Great Bond song.
- Michelle Yeoh rocks up, looks at Teri Hatcher, and is all like: “Your husband likes Chinese pussy.” Sort of.
- Great helicopter chase scene.
- Why does she say “Hiiiiyyaaaahh!!!” when she’s firing a gun?
- Low grade stunts towards the end of the movie. Maybe they ran over budget.
- Outdated plot.
Overall, Tomorrow Never Dies is a pretty balanced Bond movie, although it’s certainly not Brosnan’s best. That title goes to Goldeneye (“Xenia…I can’t…breathe” “Damn straight mo fo”). While it’s not going to reach the top of anyone’s ‘favourite movie list,’ Tomorrow Never Dies is a pretty fun way to kill a few hours which is kind of what you want in a Bond movie. Even if you’re not a fan of this film, you at least be glad it’s not Die Another Day.