The Hoes of History; Let them Eat Cock

Good evening ladies and gents, today I am bringing you another double feature review. This time however, it will not be a science fiction double feature of even a scientology fiction double feature. This review will instead be a period piece double feature; a double feature that will discuss two films in which the central characters get their dick-hunt game faces on while wearing elaborate historical get-ups. Hold on to your hats boys and girls because this is going to get sleazy and rather politically incorrect.

Marie Antoinette (2006)

Marie-Antoinette_poster

Genre: Drama

Cast: Kirsten Dunst, Jason Schwartzman, Rose Byrne

Synopsis: After being pimped out to the king of France, an Austrian princess racks up huge debt and bankrupts her sugar daddy.

First things first: is Marie Antoinette a lady of ill-repute in this movie? Let’s look at the evidence: 1) she basically gets sold to the king of France in a rather aristocratic display of human trafficking; 2) not content with her John/punter, she then takes to shacking up with the local stud; 3) she looks down on the other royal-court appointed prozzie…possibly for moving in on her turf??? Conclusion: the jury’s still out on this one.

While the film certainly shows the childish, spoilt and bratty nature of Marie Antoinette, it didn’t feel as though Sofia Coppola was trying to portray her as some sort of immature floozy. The film makes very clear that when she was married, Marie Antoinette was still a child and quite a sweet one at that. I think Coppola was trying to portray Marie Antoinette as someone who was too young to cope with the pressure of queen-ship…or should that be queen-hood? Either way, this is more of a film about growing up and accepting responsibility and, towards the end of the film, we see Marie Antoinette face reality and at least attempt to become more responsible. In a lot of ways, I could see a lot of my younger self in Marie Antoinette and that made her a lot more sympathetic.

In keeping with all the other Sofia Coppola films I have watched, there is some trippy shit that is oh so lovely to watch when you’re high. The scene where Marie Antoinette is frolicking about in her pseudo poor people village and garden reading philosophy is lovely. Also, the montage with all the decadent cakes made me get the munchies super bad and the anachronistic soundtrack really had me grooving and didn’t feel out of place. Moreover, the costumes are absolutely stunning.

The film does have its flaws though. The biggest, in my opinion, is that the movie doesn’t really go anywhere. All the film really does is show how insanely rich people lived in the olden days. If I want to see how rich people live I don’t have to see it in a movie. I can literally just go outside on my lunch break because I work in Notting Hill. The lack of plot progression is something I managed to put up with but it would have been nice to have a plot that was more focused. Perhaps Coppola took on too great a task by wanting to show Marie Antoinette’s whole life as opposed to just a snippet. I applaud Coppola’s ambition but I feel that the film as a whole suffered because too much was crammed into a two-hour time slot.

High-lights:

  • The garden scene.
  • The sound track is a lot of fun.
  • Lots of kick-ass costumes and delicious looking pastries…it’s a miracle that woman had any teeth left after eating all that shit.
  • Kirsten Dunst was a really great choice for the role. She is the perpetual child thanks to her role in Interview with the Vampire.

Downers:

  • The movie lacked direction.
  • The realization that I will never go to a masked ball as sexy as the one in this movie. Nowadays they’re all so cheap and gimmicky or a cover for crazy orgies…thank you Stanley Kubrick.
  • Why is the other hooker pretending to be a cat?

Summary:

Although the film trades substance for style, it’s certainly an enjoyable watch. If anything the film taught me a little more about French history which is always good to know. You never know when these sorts of questions will come up in a pub quiz. With regard to strains, you’ll definitely want to watch this after taking something that gives you more of a psychedelic high.

6.5/10

Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)

Memoirs_of_a_Geisha_Poster

Genre: Romance, Drama

Cast: Zhang Ziyi, Gong Li, Michelle Yeoh, Ken Watanabe

Summary: A young girl is sold to a house which claims to train the girls to become artists, but it’s really just a high-class escort agency.

At various points in this movie, a character explains that geishas are artists and not hookers but is that really the case? Sure, geishas don’t put out on the first night and they make more of an effort to speak to their clients but, at the end of the day, the main character sells her v-card to the highest bidder which happens to be the local pervert. If that doesn’t say “easy” then I don’t know what does.

OK, now we’ve established that Zhang Ziyi is playing a hooker who knows how to play Japanese guitar let’s critique the film. First off, everything in this movie is beautiful. I mean everything: the cast, the clothes, the make-up, the dancing. It’s just so sumptuous and exotic. The movie really deserved the Oscars it got, especially the one for costume design. I would be tempted to say that this movie has the best costume design of any movie I’ve ever seen. After watching this movie I wanted to wear a bitching fur coat over a beautiful and elaborate silk kimono. I don’t mean the short blue ones that perverts wear at home but the expensive kind. I’d go out in public and be like “so what bitches” and if anyone gave me shit I would cut them with a kanzashi, which is the name of the hair ornaments used in traditional Japanese hairstyles.

The film has garnered some criticism after virtually no Japanese people were cast in the film. Indeed, the three main actresses in the film are either Chinese or Malaysian. It’s funny in a way because it’s like the movie is saying: “ASIAN! It’s all the same to you!” However, I don’t actually think this really hurts the film. Of course, it would have been great to have an entirely Japanese cast but there aren’t really any Japanese actresses who have as much of an international appeal as Zhang Ziyi, Gong Li or Michelle Yeoh. I can’t really criticize the casting director for taking the route that he or she did because, in entertainment, it’s all about getting people into the seats and the actresses in this film certainly have more allure and star power than any Japanese actress I know of. Also, both Chinese actresses have expressed how great it was to work on a film about Japan. In China they could never work on a project like this because of bitterness directed at the Japanese for what happened during WWII. I honestly quite like that the actresses approached the project with an open mind and had the courage to star in something that could piss off a lot of people back home.

Like Marie Antoinette, Memoirs of a Geisha tends to favour style over substance but in a way it’s more forgivable here. The book is very large and covers a very wide period of time so making a stellar film adaptation was always going to be a challenge. There are times in the movie when things get rushed in order to save time but when you adapt a book of that size you have to make those kinds of sacrifices. Although the rush-job ultimately hurts the film it’s justified and I still think the makers still did a remarkable job of putting the film together.

High-lights:

  • Costume craziness.
  • You can really see Zhang Ziyi’s dance training in this movie and watching her perform the kabuki play in the snow was incredible. So much emotion was put into the tiniest movements.
  • “Sayuri, I have a plan to one up your completion. What I’m going to do is cut you and then take you to see the doctor who will pay handsomely to fuck you. Sound good?” Such a beautiful teacher-student relationship.
  • Japanese insults are awesome. Sayuri comes out with this poetic put down when what she’s really saying to Gong Li is: “Bitch you be getting old and your vajay-jay be getting crustier by the minute. It’s like a bucket of sand.”

Downers:

  • Way too long a movie.
  • It must be quite embarrassing and disgusting to have your pimp bitch slap you with the hand she used to see if your vagina was excreting juices.
  • “Geishas are artists”…I stopped believing that after she had sex with a man for money.

Summary:

Overall, Memoirs of a Geisha is a lovely period piece. Its style and beauty really shine through and, although the film has a tendency to drag gets a bit soap opera-ish at times, I was never bored. If anything, this film really got me excited for my trip to Japan next year. If I end up buying an elaborate kimono I’ll be sure to let you know.

7.5/10

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7 Comments

Filed under Drama, Good, Romance

7 responses to “The Hoes of History; Let them Eat Cock

  1. I thought this post was going to be about chicken recipes (?) 😀

  2. I thought you were going to review a porno. That sure is one misleading post title. I’m not sure which of those is more disappointing.

  3. Bwahaha! Hilarious! I think this is one of your finest posts. 🙂 And all your posts are great & funny as hell. I really want to see Marie Antoinette – not sure why I haven’t yet.

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