Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Supermariobros

Genre: Action/Adventure

Cast: Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper

Synopsis: Two Italian-American plumbers travel to an alternate dimension ruled by evolved dinosaurs in order to save the fungus princess and her father who has been turned into a bad case of hemorrhoids.

I love the Super Mario videogames and, if I’m being perfectly honest, I loved this film as a kid. However, when I was a kid I also used to eat my own boogers which should tell you all you need to know. I had not seen this movie in maybe 15 years and, in retrospect, that was probably a good decision because this is not so much a movie about the Super Mario Bros. as it is a public raping of a cultural icon. It was always going to be difficult to make a movie adaptation of the video game because there is no scenario in which the game makes any sense. How do you write a movie about a couple of plumbers who save a fungus princess from a pissed off turtle king? Kind of impossible really but that didn’t stop the makers of this movie from having a go. They really should have left it alone because this is one of the most hilariously diabolical films ever made.

I think that the writers should be given some credit for attempting to place the video game in a real world setting but it simply cannot be done without looking really shoddy and clumsy. An example of the shoddy writing would be in the very first minute where the audience is told that the meteorite that killed the dinosaurs millions of years ago hit where modern day Brooklyn is situated. FALSE! Everyone knows that the meteorite that killed the dinosaurs hit New Mexico or some shit. From then on it only gets worse: de-evolution rays, dinosaur shankings, a sassy big beautiful black woman dancing seductively with Bob Hoskins…it’s all just a mess.

Speaking of Hoskins, whoever decided to cast a cockney British guy as an Italian-American plumber created by the Japanese clearly had a stroke of genius. No, scratch that, I meant to say that they clearly had a stroke. I love Bob Hoskins, I really do, but he cannot hide his accent no matter how hard he tries. It just comes bounding out at really random points in the movie. It reached a point where I was expecting him to attempt to say “It’s a me! Mario” but that it would instead come out as “Oi! Mate! I’m bloody Mario!” John Leguizamo makes for a more convincing Luigi but only by comparison to Hoskins’ Mario. To make a long story short, nobody does anything wonderful with the role they’ve been given. In fact, according to Wikipedia, both Hoskins and Leguizamo used to get drunk in order to make it through the day when they made this film…can’t say I blame them.

If this movie has a saving grace it’s the fact that it is so hilariously WTF that it works quite well as a comedy…provided that you take the piss out of everything the instant it flashes up on screen. However, I’d be tempted to say that it’s not really worth the effort. Of all the dinosaur themes movies this ranks somewhere near The Land Before Time IIVII. Save yourself the trouble and play a Super Mario Bros. game instead.

High-lights:

  • “Who dis Roxette bitch be?”
  • “We’re merging!” HAHAHAHAHAHA.
  • The shitness of this movie makes you appreciate the awesomeness of the games.

Downers:

  • The graphics are terrible. Then again, everything is terrible come to think of it.
  • They really should have gone with Princess Peach.
  • Eeeeewww hemorrhoid fungus thing.

Summary:

Save your stash for something much more exciting…like a Super Smash Bros. tournament. The only way watching this film would be acceptable is if you have a screening with a large group of friends. I know that the Prince Charles Cinema did a screening last week and I really should have gone to that instead of watching this in my basement bedroom like some sort of under-the-bridge troll. Oh well, live and learn.

2/10

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4 Comments

Filed under Action/Adventure, Crap

4 responses to “Super Mario Bros. (1993)

  1. You forgot one important highlight: George Clinton and the Goombas’ rendition of “Walk the Dinosaur”.

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