Beautiful Creatures (2013)

Beautiful_Creatures_One,4D_low_res

Genre: Romance

Cast: Jeremy Irons, Viola Davis, Emma Thompson

Synopsis: A really spoilt and bratty teenager is about to celebrate the witch equivalent of a bat mitzvah but then she falls in love and I really gave up on giving a fuck at about that point.

Welcome to the final part of my ‘Southern Decadence’ duo. In the last review, we looked at the knob-gobbling classic Interview with the Vampire. Today I’ll be reviewing a film that also sucks dick. Beautiful Creatures is like the wussier version of Twilight which I thought could never exist. I decided to watch this because it was set in the South and the main character is clearly moneyed so I thought it would fit in with the ‘decadence’ theme. The film did fit the bill but not for the reasons I had expected. This movie is decadent because it’s angsty teenage self-indulgence at its worst. It’s essentially a film about a couple of middle-class teenagers complaining about how the world doesn’t get them and how stupid everyone else is. I hope that when I have kids they never become teenagers.

So, a quick run through the story: a boy lives in this backward Southern community, which he says is dead-end but is actually super middle-class. One day, he a new girl comes to school and everyone knows she’s a witch because she makes crazy shit happen like the instant she sets foot in the room. They fall in love but she has to go through some bat-shit insane ceremony where she’ll either become good or evil because women clearly can’t decide these things for themselves: they’re either the virgin or the bitch and nothing in between. Hopefully my description has already given you a headache so as to deter you from ever watching this film but, just in case you’re still tempted to give it a go, I’ll further explain why you should not.

Firstly, all the characters in this movie are awful. The audience has no sympathy for either of the main characters because they are so whiny and douchey, the female lead’s family are all just crazy Eurotrash who destroy the interior of a beautiful antebellum plantation house with bad taste, and the villains are so comically two-dimensional you half expect them to twirl their mustaches while a dog sniggers in the corner. Secondly, the film doesn’t impart anything valuable on its audience. Like Twilight, the film’s central message is that’s OK to be a horrible human being so long as you have a hot boyfriend. Finally, the film is completely racist to southerners who I am sure are not all racist, homophobic, bible-bashing morons.

This film is a total mess and it saddens me to think that there are actually some talented people in it (Emma Thompson and Viola Davis, I’m looking at you). I really hope that the makers of this movie pull a Golden Compass and bury the possibility of anymore sequels. Oh well, I guess it’s appropriate to end “Southern Decadence” on a low note. Just like in real life, it’s all fun and games until it’s time to go home. Then comes the shame, embarrassment and the obligatory trip to the STD clinic.

High-lights:

  • The lols when Emmy Rossum shows up. For some reason, she kills a cop and then does this “sexy” walk. In the words of Miss Jay: “Girl, you walk like you on crack.”
  • Why would you have sex with someone next to a couple of alligators?

Downers:

  • The teenage angst! It hurts!
  • “Do you hear how quiet it is?” No, because there’s some teeny-bopper emo music playing in the background.

Summary:

There is very little to like about this movie. Pretending I was watching a more angst-driven Sabrina the Teenage Witch didn’t help so I was kind of at a loss for what to do. Weed sure as hell didn’t improve matters any either. I think that the only way I could have had a good time watching this movie is if I had watched it with someone really who is really sarcastic. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case so now I have to live with the fact that I watched Twilight-lite on a Saturday night by myself. I feel dirty.

2/10

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4 Comments

Filed under Crap, Romance

4 responses to “Beautiful Creatures (2013)

  1. 2/10. Very generous.
    I saw this with my girlfriend at the time. She liked it, and I felt very bad continuously dissing it but just couldn’t help myself.
    Also, just have to quickly disagree with your (back-handed) praise for Emma Thompson and Viola Davis… both have frustrated me to no end with their poor choosing of roles that I now hold no respect for them at all.
    Jordan

  2. I did see Twilight (which I reviewed on my blog), and yes, I remember the central message in it (as well as the book on which it was based) is how it’s ok to be a superficial, annoying teenage bitch as long as you have a hot boyfriend. I remember in the book, Bella was leading “chess club” Eric on more or less for her own amusement.

    At the same time, it’s sad that Jeremy Irons and Emma Thompson (the latter of whom is one of my favorite actresses) wound up in a schlockfest like this.

  3. Pingback: High-lights and Downers of 2013 | bakedmoviereviews

  4. Pingback: Fame (1980) | bakedmoviereviews

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