Genre: Action/Adventure, Torture
Cast: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen
Synopsis: After breaking and entering a woman’s home and killing her, two siblings get a taste for murder and become professional serial killers.
I’ve largely come to terms with this whole 3D craze. As far as I see it, there are two types of 3D movies. There are the movies that use 3D responsibly to create a sense of depth. In movies like Avatar or Prometheus the 3D really heightened the viewing experience and, at times, it felt like I could reach out into the movie and touch what was on screen. Then you get the type of movies which uses 3D irresponsibly, like a gimmick. These movies scream: “Here’s 3D coming at your face just like a herpes-riddles penis would!” Guess which type of 3D movie Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is.
I wish I could say that I began watching this movie with an open mind but I had heard so much negative press about it doing so was an impossible task. Let me just be clear, this movie deserved every negative review it got. The acting was wooden, the screenplay was terrible, and the plot development was obvious and nonsensical at the same time. You need a white witch? How convenient that one shows up right now. You need a special type of book? Oh look, we have one of those too. Nothing’s happened for a few minutes? OK, let’s have this guy ripped to pieces by a tree and have Famke Janssen whisper “death” as it happens simply because we can. It was like watching someone do a paint-by-numbers picture but instead of paint they were using excrement and my salty tears.
It’s a real shame because there are some Grimms’ Fairytales stories which could really do with a stylish, dark and twisted movie adaptation. Hansel and Gretel is definitely one of those but, instead of being a run-of-the-mill exercise in action/adventure torture, it should be all about child-trafficking. I’m not sure if you can make a stylish film about child-trafficking but I’d love for someone to give it a go…Tim Burton perhaps?
As far as I’m concerned, this movie got bugger-all right. It didn’t even have jolly German accents which should be a requirement in every Grimms’ Fairytale adaptation even if it’s about child trafficking. However, there are clearly some people out there who disagree with my hatred of the film judging by the fact that this film actually made a sizeable profit (thanks Russia). I guess that’s not surprising really…even the ugliest of prostitutes has to turn a trick eventually. Nevertheless, this movie should be banished to the pit of hell from whence it came, resurfacing only when I want to ogle a shirtless Jeremy Renner…but even then that might not be worth dredging up this cinematic abortion.
- No joke, the instant the candy house showed up on screen an ice cream van outside started playing its “let’s lure children with Maggie Thatcher’s ice cream legacy” song. My brother and I just kind of stared at each other dumb-founded as we tried to figure out whether the song was coming from outside or on screen before laughing hysterically for about 5 minutes.
- In the scene where the witch coven brings the children into the ceremony there’s a lot of chatter. Out of nowhere this one says: “I want your brain” really loudly and points at the screen in a totally gay manner. That split-second perfectly encapsulated what was wrong with this movie.
- A sequel is currently in development.
This movie is so bad I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone seriously. However, it’s good to watch a real stinker from time to time to remind ourselves of what true cinematic beauty can actually look like. If you do decide to brave this movie, I would recommend a lot of weed. I mean A LOT of weed…like Willie Nelson a lot. Also, it should be a strain that has mind-bending properties. That way you can convince yourself that this whole movie was just one bad trip.