A few months ago I did a ‘Science-Fiction Double Feature’ review wherein I reviewed two sci-fi movies. This week, I’ve decided to do something a bit different. My brother/movie buddy recently moved away for work but he came back for a visit this weekend. In celebration, we decided to have a bad movie marathon. It was only after we gathered the films that we realized that they had…well…a certain twist to them; a scientology twist. We felt that the films were clearly scientology propaganda so I decided that my next post should be a double feature…a scientology-fiction double feature. Enjoy!
Battlefield Earth (2000)
Cast: John Travolta, Forest Whitaker
Synopsis: You know what? I really couldn’t tell you what this film is about because I only managed to watch 53 minutes and 54 seconds of this crap. I think it was something about aliens taking over the planet to mine for gold and enslaving the human race.
This film is legendary but for all the wrong reasons. My brother jokingly suggested it as a potential movie to watch and, being something of a masochist, I decided to accept his offer and try to watch it. My reaction after a few minutes?
Everything was just awful. Usually bad movies manage to get at least one thing right but this is a movie that fucked everything up. Battlefield Earth is truly the most ghastly thing I think I’ve ever seen. I mean, what the fuck is up with all the slow motion and the tilted camera angles and why is John Travolta playing an alien who acts like a camp British politician? Also, why does every scene need to have some sort of color filter to it? It ain’t fucking instagram! I kid you not; my brother and I only managed to sit through a few minutes before we went on youtube to look at pretty things to remind us that there was beauty in the world. After coming down slightly, we decided to try and finish the film. 53 minutes and 54 agonizing seconds was all it took before we had to turn it off. I would never usually leave a film unfinished but I think in this case I can make an exception.
The funny thing about this movie is that it is just scientology propaganda. The events of the movie are set 1000 years in the future but it’s clearly supposed to be set in the past when aliens first made contact with us and put their souls into us or whatever LSD trippy shit it is that they believe. How can it be in the future when the lead guy acts like an ape? Also, why have we forgotten how to do anything? We invented all sorts of crazy crap and we’re supposed to believe that we’ve forgotten how to mine for metals? I am so glad that I can watch this sort of stuff and not think: “Oh yes that makes a lot of sense. Let’s go on down to the local Scientology church and learn more.” On the other hand, it upsets me that there are people out there who aren’t smart enough to withstand this kind of bull shit.
- Sweet fuck all.
- Knowing that I will never get those 53 minutes and 54 seconds back.
There is nothing that you could smoke to make this movie enjoyable. If someone suggests that you watch this movie, cut them out of your life instantly.
This film isn’t even worthy of a numerical score
Lady in the Water (2006)
Genre: Fantasy thriller according to Wikipedia
Cast: Paul Giamatti, Bruce Dallas Howard, M. Night Shyamalan
Synopsis: Some strung out albino-junky-ho with a weird face shows up at an apartment complex and everybody thinks she’s some sort of magical mermaid.
I really think that this is the point when M. Night Shyamalan started to lose his shit. I know a lot of people would say that Signs and The Village were probably the first indicators but, if I’m being honest, I didn’t think those movies were so bad. I thought they were pretty enjoyable. I am, however, not so forgiving with this film. Disney was smart when it decided to reject this film…although not smart enough to reject either Planes or The Lone Ranger.
The problem with this film is that it’s just fucking ridiculous. If some spacey chick showed up at my apartment being all like “Oooohh I’m from the water world and I’m here to give M. Knight Shyamalan inspiration can I stay with you?” I’d be like: “….Is you be on something?” Instead of maybe questioning the fact that there’s some high albino in their apartment block who is clearly in dire need of medical attention, the tenants all form some wiccan healing circle and M. Knight Shyamalan saves the world with his brilliance. I have a really hard time believing that this came from the same mind that created The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable.
The problem is that there is a very good story at the core of it all: a writer struggling with writer’s block, wanting to impress the world, desperately in search of inspiration but he lives with a bunch of crazy people and keeps procrastinating. It’s something that most writers face. When M. Knight Shyamalan wrote his first films (which really are very good) he was probably facing the same issues. If he stuck to the shitty reality of it all and then added a slight supernatural element he probably could have made a pretty good movie. Instead, he was given license to do whatever he wanted so he threw mermaids into the mix and cast himself in the role of visionary profit. What a waste.
Now, you’re probably wondering where the whole scientology aspect comes into it. Now that I’m looking at my notes, I think I could have just been super high and talking out of my ass. At the time, I thought a lot of the actions of the characters represented scientological beliefs (primarily because everyone in this film is fucking cray but they don’t go see a head doctor). Does anybody know what I’m talking about with this? It felt like there was this vibe that went along the lines of: ‘no, don’t listen to what the critics (there’s a critic character in the movie) and all the naysayers tell you. If you want to believe in inspirational mermaids that unlock the true you then go ahead.” I at least thought it was comparable to scientology…then again, After Earth got a lot of flak for its scientology leanings so maybe I’m not completely delusional.
- “If you love the water so much why don’t you marry it?” That witticism is courtesy of my brother.
- The Asian girl that seems kind of fake FOB-ish. The character was clearly intended to be a FOB but I think everyone misunderstood what that meant. “WE TLY HERP YOOO.” That was one of my witticisms.
- “Let’s throw a party for the strung out chick so she can ride a magical eagle back to her home-world!” I don’t even know what to say to that.
- Everything in this movie is hysterical in one way or another.
- How can you feel down when there’s so much to laugh about on screen?
Watch this with friends and rip the fucking piss out of it. It’s not difficult to do because everything that happens in this movie is so bloody ridiculous. I had a lot of fun watching Lady in the Water but none of it came from the actual movie itself. If anything, this movie taught me the value of having a good movie-watching buddy to hand…or at least a friend who understands me when I say that Lady in the Water is a scientologist movie.
0/10 (but secretly 10/10)