Cast: Angelina Jolie, Gerard Butler, Djimon Hounsou
Synopsis: An extremely wealthy woman who has nothing better to do decides to go hunting after Pandora’s Box to stop a bio-terrorist from getting his hands on the evil that lurks inside…but in doing so she actually leads him to it. Silly cow.
Angelina Jolie confuses me sometimes. She can be a terrific actress and she really deserved that Oscar for Girl, Interrupted but every now and then she does these kinds of films that are…well…shit. Have any of you guys seen The Tourist? Wow! What a heap of crap that film was. Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life ranks probably a little bit below that film in terms of quality BUT it’s so unbelievably ridiculous you just have to laugh at certain points so I guess it’s a little more enjoyable than The Tourist.
Now that I come to think of it, the whole concept of Lara Croft is rather crazy. What kind of crazy rich bitch goes around riding on sharks while hunting for treasure? I mean, I know it’s shark week but that’s kind of excessive. Do people like this actually exist and how do they get paid? What do they write under the ‘occupation’ part of their tax returns? How do they even fill out their tax returns? Do they declare the millions in stolen booty they’ve pilfered? The film, unfortunately, answered none of these questions but it made me wonder what I would do if I had shit-tons of money and all the time in the world. Part of me wishes I would end up like Lara Croft, riding side-saddle on a majestic horse and firing guns into the English countryside while I vape. To be honest though, I’d probably end up like Marlon Brando and have Big Mac deliveries thrown over my garden wall. I get munchies real bad.
Anyway, I digress. The point of this review is to say that this film is fucking cray. Not only does Jolie ride sharks and majestic horses, she smuggles herself into China clearly because she couldn’t afford the administrative fees needed for a Visa and then she proceeds to ride along the Great Wall of China on a motorbike and not hit any tourists because obviously nobody goes to that world famous landmark any more. She also ends up shooting a bunch of those terracotta warriors. Isn’t she like some sort of treasure nut? Did she and Nic Cage in National Treasure go to the same university where they were taught that the best way to protect antiquities is to deface them? Also, she’s trying to stop a bio-terrorist from finding Pandora’s Box but then ensures he gets to the box safely by not letting him get eaten by those shadow monster things. My head hurts from all this confusion and mind-fuckery.
In a strange way, I’m quite thankful that I watched this movie because I came to realize how awesome Skyfall was. The latest James Bond outing is by no means a film about hunting treasure but it accomplished something that this film failed to: Skyfall managed to maintain a balance between the fantastical and reality. James Bond gets himself and his penis into all kinds of crazy shit but in Skyfall it felt that his exploits weren’t so far removed from what might actually happen in real life. The second film in the Tomb Raider series feels like it was created in the mind of someone who has never engaged with reality. The older I get the more I feel like I need an element of realism in my films to enjoy them. Tomb Raider takes too many liberties for my personal liking. Still, it’s a fun movie to rip the piss out of so I guess it has some merit.
- The hilarity of the man-falling-in-acid scene.
- Wondering if there’ll ever be a biopic on Angelina Jolie in the future. I want to know all about here now. Why has she mellowed out and become so responsible? I remember when she used to show up at awards ceremonies making out with her brother. I want to know why she was so crazy in the beginning.
- The film is crap. I might as well be blunt.
- Whilst Jolie does an OK English accent, she has the occasional slip. “Aaawwwl ovar the weerrrld.”
One again, I’m going to be blunt. If you’re going to watch this, watch it super blazed with a bunch of friends. Don’t expect a good movie because you’ll be disappointed. If you want a good movie, watch Skyfall. God, can you imagine if you met Daniel Craig’s Bond in a bar? In the words of Trey Songz: “Whoa-oh, whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. This right here’s a panty-dropper.”