William and Kate (2011)

Genre: Romance, Unintentional Comedy

Cast: Nico Evers-Swindell, Camilla Luddington

Synopsis: Rich people hooking up…that is all this movie is about.

Journalists are privy to a lot of juicy information. Thanks to one of my sources, I knew Milk-Snatcher-Thatcher had died before it hit the news sites. On Friday, my colleagues and I heard a rumor that Kate Middleton had gone into labor. In celebration (but not really because I’m not exactly a fan of the Royal Family), my brother and I decided to re-live the story of Will and Kate’s romance through this delightful, yet somewhat inaccurate, Lifetime movie/train-crash. William and Kate (or as I call it, A Very British Pussy Trap) is about as British as Madonna’s accent. For this review, I shall point out everything that’s wrong with this movie…OK that’s a lie. EVERYTHING WAS WRONG. To save time I’ll just pick out some of the key fuck-ups and add some much needed British wit i.e. sarcasm and bitchiness.

1) After a nauseating royal invitation like title sequence we’re subjected to a swooping overhead shot of Oxford University. Cut to a scene that is clearly shot at UCLA. Prince Charles: “I’m so happy you’re attending St Andrew’s.” As a former student of both Oxford and UCLA, it felt like this movie was made just to piss me off.

2) “You went to Chil-ay on your gap yah too” “Yah it was so nice to mingle with all the poor people and I also love Monet and Picasso” “Oh William you’re so deep, yah, and you’re making me all wet!” This is a bit of a paraphrase but it’s essentially what happens.

3) Eeeew, look how common the Middletons are because they eat breakfast in the living room and eat ice cream out of the tub in their multi-million pound Tudor house. COMMON COMMON COMMON! William deserved so much better.

4) Black person sideshow at Will’s birthday party…not acceptable. EVER!

5) WTF is with that student apartment!? It looks like they’re living in an Ikea catalogue but nothing is out of place and they all like each other. You want to know what most students’ living experience is like in England? The housemates fall out with each other after a wild night because the apartment’s a tip and no-one wants to clean the bathtub because some randomer took a shit in it. The amount of times I have heard “shit in the bathtub” stories is unreal. Maybe this is a sign that I need to meet new people. Also, Kate breaks the cardinal rule that should apply when living with other people: don’t shit where you eat. By that I mean don’t fuck your roommates. Maybe she did shit in the kitchen but I wouldn’t know anything about that. She may have even shat in the bathtub for all I know.

6) “Let me assault this mannequin with an ugly dress, a scarf that clashes, a chunky necklace…and a straw hat.” What’s worse is that the person in charge thinks it’s a good look. If I was a designer and some cheeky cow did that to one of my mannequins I’d fire her on the spot.

7) Dianna….DIANNA!!!! OK, we get it. She’s dead.

8) “Rowing has given me muscles I never knew I had.” That ain’t rowing. That’s steering a canoe.

I’d say the majority of British people are indifferent to the Royal Family and we really don’t pay attention to them or care about what they do. The wedding was different because we got the day off work for that. As such, we were obligated to watch it and we all hated it…but that’s kind of a lie too. The British person’s relationship with the Royal Family is a weird one. It’s a bizarre cocktail of loathing and sentimentality. I don’t really like them but I still want them around. In that sense, this movie perfectly encapsulates my feelings towards the royal family. I find both the Royals and the film unnecessary, pointless, moronic yet they provide me with the chance to take the piss out of something and every British person enjoys taking the piss out of something. This movie is kind of a paradox because it’s so un-British but has an unintentional British appeal through the fact that it’s crap. What’s even better is that this is only the first movie in a two-parter. Yes, that’s right you lucky sons of bitches, we have another one on its way soon. I am quivering with antici…..pation.

Summary:

A Very British Pussy Trap is a classic. You’ll want to watch this with friends after taking something that will make you giggly. If possible, watch this with someone who’s British. That way, you can lay back, watch the incredulity register on their face, and garner a greater understanding of the British relationship with our overlords. I love this movie with all my heart.

100/10

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5 Comments

Filed under Comedy, Crap, Mind Blowingly Awesome, Romance

5 responses to “William and Kate (2011)

  1. I LOVED your first point. I guess they weren’t counting on someone who has gone to BOTH Oxford and UCLA when filming those scenes. It’s probably easier to do with Ivy League schools since they tend to have VERY similar architecture to get a certain look. Cornell’s North Campus can EASILY stand in for a good chunk of Princeton, though I’ll be the one Cornell alum in the audience going, “Hey! That’s not Princeton! That’s Cornell!”

    • I was actually at UCLA when they were filming this. They should have hired me as a British consultant. At least then they wouldn’t have made so many errors.

      Awesome that you went to Cornell. What movies have been filmed there?

      • As far as I’m aware: None. Cornell is a school that gets a LOT of glancing references in movies/shows, the most famous of which is probably The (American) Office’s Andy being a Cornell alum. I saw the trailer for Water for Elephants, which allegedly takes place at Cornell, and that scene was definitely NOT filmed at Cornell.

  2. Don’t think I’ve ever been this tempted to actually watch a Lifetime movie.

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