Genre: Action/Adventure, Thriller
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Julianne Moore, Jessica Biel
Synopsis: A man can see two minutes into the future and goes on the run from the FBI who want to use him to hunt down a nuclear weapon. Writing that sentence pained me.
I don’t know where to start with this review and it’s not because I don’t have an opinion on this movie, because I do. The reason why I’m finding it hard to start this review is because this movie was such a mess that there doesn’t seem to be any logical starting point. Watching this movie was like stumbling through an assault course drunk. Seriously, how the fuck did this movie get made? I want to root for you Nicolas Cage, I really do but sometimes you make it so hard. The first line I wrote in my notes is: “God this is so bad.” The first goddamn line. I think I must have written that within the first 30 seconds. Usually it takes some time to realize that a movie sucks but clearly that was not the case with this film. Next flaunts its crapness in your face but it does so with no sense of irony. It’s like a chimpanzee that flings its feces at you and then rips off your face and eats it.
I have to admit, I am a bit of a Nicolas Cage fan. I mean, how can you not be? Hell, I even thought that The Wicker Man had its moments (“NO NOT THE BEES!!! AAAARRGHGHGHDFH!!”). Next, however, is truly the worst Nicolas Cage film I have ever seen. It’s almost as if there was no effort from anyone who was involved in this movie. The movie is just utterly lazy. None of the characters have any depth. Jessica Biel’s character is supposed to be deep because she works on a Native American reservation but I’m not sure any of the writers have ever been to a reservation. The reservation is presented as some kind of sunshine-happy place where the Native American’s worship pretty white women and aren’t bitter at all or suffering from diabetes. I guess that’s OK though: when you write a film about a drunk Vegas magician who can see two minutes into the future all sense of believability goes out the window. Why couldn’t it have been someone like the Masked Magician? Anyone remember him? His shows used to be on TV on Sunday afternoons in the UK in the mid-1990s. Now there was a magician! He used to make cars and all kinds of shit disappear.
Anyway I digress. This movie is shit, in case you couldn’t tell. I did have quite a fun time watching it though because I watched it at a dinner party with some friends. It’s strange going to dinner parties now. I felt so adult. We had Pimms also. I don’t think much of the world outside the UK has Pimms so I will explain what it is. In short, Pimms is the nectar of the Gods. Pimms is a kind of Gin-based liqueur that is only acceptable in the English summer time…what little of it we have. What you want to do is chop up a bunch of strawberries, oranges, mint and a cucumber (the fruits of the Empire) and shove it in a pitcher. Fill the pitcher up to roughly a quarter of the way with liqueur and then add clear and carbonated lemonade and stir. What you have there is an alcoholic English garden in a cup…and it soothes cotton mouth wonderfully and keeps the malaria away thanks to all the quinine.
- The movie ends…eventually.
- Everyone who has more than 10 seconds of screen time. Julianne Moore, I expected better from you. Also, doesn’t the FBI have better things to do than hunt down psychic magicians? Aren’t there cannibalistic serial killers out there who need to be caught?
- The ending. If you don’t want spoilers then look away now. The whole movie is basically a dream. That’s right. I sat through this entire movie only to learn that it didn’t really happen. I didn’t think anyone used that “it was all a dream” thing in real life! At least, not after Dallas.
- The credits. Whose bright idea was it to run the credits backwards?
Next is not quite as bad as Sex and the City 2 because that made me want to throw myself in front of train whereas Next only made me want to throw the TV out the window. I generally would advise you not to watch this movie. The only exception to that rule would be if you watch this movie with friends. That way you can laugh at the horror but on the inside you’ll be crying.