The Bodyguard (1992)

Genre: Drama, Romance

Cast: Kevin Costner, Whitney Houston, Gary Kemp

Synopsis: Whitney Houston stars as Whitney Houston in a film clearly about the Jackson family as directed by someone called Mick Jackson who is coincidentally no relation to the actual Jackson family. Basically someone is trying to bump off Whitney so she hires a bodyguard and they fall in love yada yada yada…

I can’t believe it has taken me so long to watch this movie. It is fucking brilliant and hilarious but kind of in a sad way because Whitney’s now dead in case you didn’t know but of course you did. I have to admit, I didn’t think that Whitney was actually that bad in this film. I mean, how bad can you be when you play yourself in a role in which you look sultrily at a hunk whilst your own songs play in the background? This film is total Whitney narcissism. I’m honestly surprised she didn’t start beating off whilst singing “I’m every woman, it’s all in me!” It’s OK though because she was a really talented singer and ‘I Will Always Love You’ is something of a lip-trembling classic. As a piece of cinema, The Bodyguard is not that good but it’s still surprisingly relevant today because of the central theme of celebrity obsession and fucked up famous families.

I suppose the modern day equivalent would be Li Lo being stalked by paparazzi who ask her to make out with her mum so they can get a good photo to sell papers. That would make a much better story than one in which La Toya puts a hit on a family member…just so everybody is aware, I don’t actually think this film is about the Jackson family. When I watched it, the words ‘Directed by Michael Jackson’ came on screen and initially I thought the film was directed by the singer Michael Jackson. Turns out that’s not the case but I managed to convince myself that it was when I was high and that everyone in the film was a metaphor for someone in the Jackson family. Watch the film and try to guess which character is “La Toya.” Hint: it’s fucking obvious.

Also, spoiler alert, but can we talk about how the sister’s bitter for having nothing while Whitney has everything? If the sister has nothing then I must be bloody dirt-poor! She lives in a fuck-off huge house, has a great job, probably makes tons of money and has lots of famous friends. Meanwhile, at the supermarket, I have to actually think about whether I can afford a carton of soup. I’m the one who has nothing! At least the film gave me a sense of perspective. Then again, I would be pissed off too if I was singing in the woods and my sister came and overshadowed me for no reason. Actually, no I wouldn’t because I’m not a psycho. This movie doesn’t really make much sense now that I come to think about it but that’s part of its charm I guess.

The Bodyguard is a nonsensical trip into the twisted psyche of celebrity obsession and familial jealousy. It’s still enjoyable and it’s good to remind yourself that, at one point, Whitney actually had her shit together. The lesson I’ll take away from The Bodyguard though is this: never trust the La Toya, Michelle, or Dannii of the family. I hope I’m not the La Toya, Michelle, or Dannii of my family…although, looking at my life, I can say that I’m certainly not the Whitney. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. Let’s just say it’s a ‘thing’ of some kind and leave it at that.

High-lights:

  • Interracial goodness.
  • Belting out ‘I Will Always Love You’ at the end and managing to get all the lip quivers in perfectly.
  • Everyone has AIDS! AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS!!! I’m sure the whole AIDS thing is just put in to be topical.
  • Lots of ‘crack is whack’ comments.

Downers:

  • I had a can of ‘grape drank’ when watching this movie. I felt a little bit racist whilst drinking it.
  • Why did Kevin Costner shoot a car mechanic in the opening scene?

Summary:

This is definitely a film you should watch with friends or a significant other because it’ll border on creepy if you watch this film on your own. Share a pipe with a few friends and get some chips and laugh your ass off. When I say ‘share a pipe’ I don’t mean the crack kind because that would be whack…crack is cheap, poor people do crack and you make too much money to do crack because that’s how drug addiction works. Just ask Whitney in this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RUiX841giI

8/10

Advertisements

6 Comments

Filed under Drama, Great, Romance

6 responses to “The Bodyguard (1992)

  1. Never seen it, but if it were ever on Netflix, I’d consider blowing 2 hours with it.

    “I mean, how bad can you be when you play yourself in a role in which you look sultrily at a hunk whilst your own songs play in the background?”

    lol, I want that gig. Minus the hunks.

    • I think I was being a bit generous when I called Kevin Costner a hunk. I might try and write a remake starring Lady Gaga and Channing Tatum. Actually, maybe not because that would be truly horrifying.

  2. Bwahaha! Your reviews are always awesome. Especially for shitty movies. This is a shitty movie. God I hated this stupid movie. 🙂

    • Bless your heart! Thank you. Maybe one day when I have more fans and an entourage like Whitney does in this movie I’ll write a book about all the best shit movies to watch. If so, I’ll send you a signed copy with a picture of Whitney Houston in it for free! The message will read: “Stay in school. Crack is whack.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s