The Crow (1994)

Genre: Thriller, Action/Adventure

Cast: Brandon Lee, Ernie Hudson, Bai Ling

Synopsis: I had no clue what the fuck was going on this movie. Something about a guy coming back from the dead to avenge the death of his girlfriend.

Some of my friends in high school loved this movie. I had never seen it myself but I knew that it was fairly popular and had spawned many sequels including one with Tara Reid. If I’m perfectly honest, I thought the movie looked terrifying so I never watched it. Fortunately, I am now a grown adult male who has seen such horrors as Hostel and Sex and the City 2 so I thought I could bare it. However, my brother and I were so stoned that we had no idea what was going on and in my notes are no help because they contain delightful tidbits like ‘Will Smith’s boy bitch,’ ‘thank you’ and ‘there are so many ways that you can cook an egg!’ It was probably quite a strange night. Still I’m going to try to write something vaguely coherent.

First of all, my brother and I thought the film was set in some fictional wasteland city where everyone is super poor and homeless. This thought was corroborated by the fact that there was some weird stuff going on onscreen like a guy snorting some dead woman’s eyeballs like they were cocaine and then actually snorting cocaine. We made jokes saying it was blates Detroit. Trollolol aren’t we funny? Turns out the movie is actually set in Detroit, something I only found out three days later. I feel quite bad about taking the piss but is Detroit really this bad? I have friends from Michigan but I never discussed Detroit with them because I thought that it would upset them. My impression is that Detroit is like a skid mark on an otherwise clean piece of laundry. I may be wrong though.

With regard to plot progression, this movie really needed some work. The whole movie is just about a guy getting revenge on a handful of people. I know that’s the plot of Kill Bill Volume I and Kill Bill Volume II but that had some artistic merit thrown in. This film was literally a man killing another man and then moving on to the next and then the next one and then the next one until he comes face to face with the head honcho who has some kind of mumbling Asian clown face lady friend whose makeup doesn’t run in the shower and who wears this weird neck-brace-balaclava-hair-tie thingy. Seriously, how long does it take to kill a bunch of people? Get the fuck on with it.

I think it’s worth watching this movie for yourself to see if you like it. I didn’t which is a shame because I really want to like Brandon Lee, may his soul rest in peace. Is crushing on a dead person politically correct? I hope so because Paul Newman still tickles my fancy. Anyway, if this movie taught me anything it’s this: STAY AWAY FROM DETROIT!

High-lights:

  • Jokes about Detroit are always fun!
  • Would you seriously let your kids go trick or treating in a city where people are prepared to snort their eyeballs?
  • Shouting out Pidgeotto’s move set every time we saw a crow. PECK ATTACK!!!

Downers:

  • Knowing that this was Brandon Lee’s last film.
  • LOUD NOISES!!!
  • Unsophisticated and slow progression.
  • Poor graphics and I really didn’t like the music. If you’re into the whole Seattle grime thing circa 1990 though you might disagree.

Summary:

Although I didn’t really like the film much I still had a lot of fun watching it because I was watching it with someone who is just as awesome as I am both spiritually and genetically as we are twins. If you have someone like that, whether twin or otherwise, then you should probably watch this movie with them.

4.5/10

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12 Comments

Filed under Action/Adventure, Meh, Thriller

12 responses to “The Crow (1994)

  1. Did you know that the actor who accidentally shot Brandon Lee
    never acted again?

  2. I have crushes on several dead actors and musicians, including Bruce Lee. Unfortunately my memory of The Crow is marred for me by bad decisions and bad company on the day of seeing it in the theater, but I’ll admit that Brandon is/was crushworthy like his dear old dad.

  3. interesting take on the film; if I may, and seeing as how I am biased I will try not to sound too pretentious :P, the progression of the movie was semi-dictated as it was a comic book before it was a movie. Due to creative license, they were unable to deviate too much.

  4. Ha! Love this review. I love this movie but it helps that I saw it at the time. Oh, and my grandma borrowed it when I left the videotape at my mom’s house. Oops. Turns out she loved it. My grandma kicks ass.

  5. must admit I have a soft spot for this movie. many faults but remember enjoying it when it first came out. havent seen it for a long time although I do have it on DVD, maybe i should give it another go? see if I’ve got rose tinted glasses on!

    • I wish I’d seen it when I was younger. I might have thought differently about it if I had. Definitely give it another go! It’s always a good idea to revisit the films you loved when you were younger.

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