Vipers (2008)

Genre: Horror

Cast: Tara Reid…other people who I don’t know…and that girl who was in a few episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Harmony, I think her character name was.

Synopsis: Genetically altered killer snakes run amok on an island where Tara Reid is the local weed dealer.

Was Tara Reid ever considered a legitimate actress? People in England have never really heard of her and when people ask me who she is I have to explain she was the girlfriend of the ratty looking one in American Pie. I kind of like when that happens though because it makes me look knowledgeable about American culture. But seriously, does she still get work? I have no clue and I’m too scared to look at Wikipedia or IMDB because it’ll probably just be too depressing and horrible…just like this movie was. Vipers is a movie that will make you question your faith in everything: God, Hollywood, the kindness of strangers. It could have been brilliant though if they just tweaked it a little to make it less of a shit version of Deep Blue Sea…yes, I like that movie. How could it have been brilliant? I’ll tell you.

Firstly, don’t employ screenwriters who think that the best way inject drama into a fictional family is for them all to have affairs. Secondly, don’t orchestrate a scene in which Tara Reid makes a pot joke in front of a bereaved girl who’s just lost both her parents. Seriously Tara, why don’t you throw in a dead baby joke for good measure? Thirdly, at least get real recordings of snakes for the sound effects and not some weird techno-dubstep mix that sounds like Skrillex having an epileptic fit. Finally, at least attempt to make the science work by introducing a knowledgeable professor like character who says more than “That’s unethical!” No shit Sherlock, did you learn that at Harvard med school? Both Deep Blue Sea and Snakes on a Plane avoided these pitfalls and didn’t suck ass.

Vipers assumes on thing about its audience: that it’s thicker than pig shit. I know it’s a TV movie but it’s inexcusable. If you want to make a successful film in this type of sub-genre (the genetically altered super-animals/angry group of animals sub-genre) it’s got to be somewhat realistic. Not completely realistic but at least somewhat realistic. Nothing about this movie was even remotely realistic. If you were awake in bed and horny you really wouldn’t think that a viper climbing in between your tits was a penis. Don’t treat your audience like idiots. They can follow along without some doctor explaining what’s unethical and what isn’t. I already know that putting Hitler’s brain into a great white shark is a bad idea.

I think this movie should be shown in film schools as an example of how not to do everything. In a way, it’s a good learning experience. To see the good in things you also have to experience the bad. I just wish the bad wasn’t quite this bad. Still, it’s better than the G.I. Joe movie.

High-lights:

  • “These aren’t terrorists. These are snakes!” Bravo Tara…bravo.
  • I don’t know what I would do if Tara Reid showed up on my doorstep with a bag of weed. Laugh probably, and then cry.

Downers:

  • About 94% of this movie is a downer. I can’t really be any more explicit than that.

Summary:

Contrary to my negative review, this movie could probably be a lot of fun. I imagine if you’re with friends and you’ve eaten like three strong pot brownies it might become watchable. If you want something better, though, it’s not hard to find.

2.5/10

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9 Comments

Filed under Crap, Horror

9 responses to “Vipers (2008)

  1. You have my deepest condolences for having actually attempted to watch this monstrosity. Even close-to-passed-out-drunk didn’t make it any better.

  2. I dunno, I think Tara would be more convincing as a pot dealer than, say, a scientist. So is this better or worse than Alone in the Dark?

  3. Pingback: Sharknado (2013): Is that a Hammerhead in Your Pocket or Are You Just Glad to See Me? | Popcorn for Breakfast

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