Burlesque (2010)

Genre: Horror

Cast: Christina Aguilera, Cher, Stanley Tucci

Synopsis: A poor girl from the country moves to the big city to follow her dreams but ends up working for a burlesque club and OH DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP!

Would Showgirls be any good if the cast didn’t get their boobs out? I found the answer to that question by watching Burlesque. As I wrote in the Showgirls review a little while ago, I began to watch this but then gave up because why go for burger king when you can go for in-n-out? Well, I’m not the sort of person who leaves a film partway through so I decided to come back to this monstrosity. My suspicions turned out to be correct: this is sober-clean-living sister of Showgirls and, as a result, it is nowhere near as much fun.

First of all, I would just like to say that I did have an issue with Christina in this movie. The idea of her playing a poor country bumpkin who comes to the big city with a full $12.53 in her pocket is just absolutely ridiculous. When you want believability, do not cast Diva-McGee to play little Susie Everyman. If this were real life, she would have become a hooker to pay the bills. Beyond the believability factor, she had absolutely no chemistry with any of her co-stars including her drag-queen pimp, Cher. Now, I would just like to get this out there: Cher is a good actress. She has the academy award and the nominations to prove it. Why on earth did she decide to star in this mess? Same goes for Stanley Tucci. They’re so much better than this. I have a feeling that their agents might have misled them as to the quality of this film and when they showed up it kind of hit them how awful it all was. At least Cher and Stanley Tucci have good chemistry with one another.

I’m getting quite sick of these sorts of films where it’s little country girl saves big city club with her talent. I want to see something gritty and hardcore. I want to see Teen Spirit: the Story of Kurt Cobain where Jennifer Lawrence plays Courtney Love. I want a biography of Tonya Harding starring Meryl Streep. I do not want Lady Gaga as played by Nicole Scherzinger. Is that too much to ask?

This movie is an utter train-wreck. But, like an actual train-wreck, you can’t help but watch it even if every part of your body and soul is telling you to look away. I think that the only people who could actually like this movie are shut-ins who have never set foot outside their homes. I implore you, do not watch this film unless you want to bask in its awfulness with friends and, even then, you could just watch Showgirls.

High-lights:

  • There are a couple of catchy tunes.
  • When Cher and Stanley Tucci are on screen together the movie becomes bearable.
  • Cher smashing in a bitch’s windscreen with a tire-iron was pretty exciting.
  • Did she just call Kristen Bell a tranny?

Downers:

  • “When you putting on yrr mke-up mpmmpppfff pmf”…sorry, come again Cher?
  • Why would you include a musical number with close-ups of Cher’s face?
  • So predictable it hurts.

Summary:

You can do better. Only watch if you’re trying to be ironic with friends…fortunately I was when I watched this so I can’t give it a horrific score.

4.5/10

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Horror, Meh

One response to “Burlesque (2010)

  1. I would absolutely love to see Jennifer Lawrence play Courtney Love in a movie!! Best idea ever.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s