Science-Fiction Double Feature

Species (1995)

Cast: Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Forest Whitaker

Synopsis: A genetically altered alien-human-vagina-hybrid escapes from a lab to go on the hunt for dick.

I mentioned a little while ago that I tried to watch this but gave up. I thought that it would be unfair not to write a little something about it so I decided to do a science-fiction double feature and write about two sub-par science fiction movies.

The problem with Species is that it’s fucking disgusting. Oozing vagina imagery and penis tentacles bursting out of the skin are prevalent. I understand what the makers of the film were trying to do…I just don’t approve of it. I mean, there are these weird flashback dreams where some sort of tentacle alien is having anal sex. Is that really necessary? Also, this alien woman has lived a solitary life in a lab, she breaks out, and suddenly she knows how to steal, speak English, and drive a car but she doesn’t know how to eat a banana without looking like she’s chowing down on a dick? Aaahh this sort of stuff pisses me off.

The funny thing about this movie is that it has good actors in it. It has Oscar winners and nominees in it, including Michelle Williams. However, they are all terrible in this film. Did they just give up? Forest Whitaker is just the worst. He runs about LA saying completely pointless things like: “She’s scared” or “She’s angry” or “She’s jealous.” WHO GIVES A FUCK!? Kill the bitch. Also, I have problems with the portrayal of LA in this movie. Somewhere in the movie Alfred Molina says something along the lines of: “LA is perfect for her. It’s impersonal. She could take a shit on street and no-one would notice.” That’s an exaggeration but it’s pretty close to what he said. I think people in LA would notice some anti-social cock-gobbling alien running around town.

This movie insulted all six of my senses. I’m including fashion sense as the sixth sense because everyone is wearing god-awful clothes from the 80s or 90s.

High-lights:

  • I had a can of salt and vinegar pringles whilst watching this movie. Salt and vinegar pringles are awesome.

Downers:

  • Throwing up those pringles because everything in this movie made me sick.

Summary:

If you get off on sticky vaginas and tentacles then maybe give it a go.

0/10

Prometheus (2012)

Cast: Michael Fassbender, Noomi Rapace, Charlize Theron

Synopsis: Retarded spacemen travel to a distant planet to learn about the origins of the human race.

This movie was a bit of a disappointment. I remember watching the trailers and thinking how amazing it was going to be and then, when I finally watched it in the cinema, I left feeling kind of underwhelmed. Sure, the graphics were impressive but I was expecting so much more from the story and characters. One of the best things about Alien was that it was somehow relatable: the film followed a bunch of regular Joes who come across and extra-terrestrial. This is a movie about a group of super annoying scientists who do dumb shit in space like taking their helmets off in a foreign atmosphere and touching some weird penis snake. I’ve seen so many penises in these past couple of movies. Freud would have a field day.

Unlike Species, there are some good points to Prometheus. The performances are actually really good, especially Michael Fassbender and Charlize Theron’s performances. I just don’t understand why every character in this film is so goddamn unlikeable. Noomi Rapace’s characters is so fucking annoying it makes my head hurt. Why the fuck would she go chasing after the things that almost tried to kill her? I suppose it’s meant to be a science vs. spirituality thing with her but it ends up looking like a really dumb and pointless bicker where she’s all like “I choose to believe what I believe and that makes me good” and I just want to punch her because she’s really obnoxious about it. Also, don’t get me started on the Scottish woman with the penis haircut.

There are some beautiful scenes, such as when David, Fassbender’s character, finds the intergalactic map but these are few and far between so they don’t really distract from the boring stuff that’s going on which will totally kill your buzz. The movie does provide some interesting musings on greater questions like where do humans come from and how did evolution kick off. Ultimately though, the film feels like it’s overreaching and trying to be a lot deeper than it needs to be. My only hope is that in a few years a director’s cut will be released (as is usually the case with Ridley Scott’s movies) which won’t be quote as overwrought.

High-lights:

  • Some really good performances.
  • Great graphics.

Downers:

  • “An am-eee-zing st-ee-t of  preserv-ee-tion” AAAHH SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!
  • There really needed to be a xenomorph or two to liven up the film.

Summary:

I feel like Prometheus is a very middle of the road movie. It was such a missed opportunity. I think I’ll just stick to Alien and Aliens in future.

5/10

Advertisements

9 Comments

Filed under Crap, Meh, Sci-Fi

9 responses to “Science-Fiction Double Feature

  1. “A genetically altered alien-human-vagina-hybrid escapes from a lab to go on the hunt for dick” That’s how I remember it 😀

  2. Great reviews! Agree 100% with both of them. Alien & Aliens are two of my all-time favorite movies – Prometheus was just so disappointing! I like your description of Species as quoted by Tim above. Actually, that makes it sound better than it actually was. 😉 And Species 2 was even WORSE, believe it or not! A tiny part of me ALMOST likes the first one just because it’s so hilariously ridiculous.

    • Thank you. I think I could have actually liked Species if I had been in the right mood for it. Unfortunately I wasn’t. Maybe I should skip the sequels.

      Alien and Aliens rule! Perfect example of how sequels can be just as good as the original!

  3. “Also, don’t get me started on the Scottish woman with the penis haircut.” hahaha that was such an amazing line. I’m really digging your reviews.

  4. I was so eager to see Prometheus and man, that movie sucked all the enthusiasm out of me and spat back disappointment. I wrote about it too, but your review is way better! And obviously funnier.

  5. Poor review. You didn’t understand anything.
    Kids today… go watch Gi Joe instead.. kthnksbai

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s