Anaconda (1997)

Genre: Horror

Cast: Jennifer Lopez, Jon Voight, Ice Cube

Synopsis: A documentary film crew travel to the amazon jungle to film a legendary tribe but end up being eaten by an anaconda suffering from bulimia.

In an earlier review for Obsessed I wrote about how the movie was essentially Beyoncé porn. After watching Anaconda I came to the conclusion that J-Lo was the Beyoncé of the 90s. She’s marketed in this film as a strong, independent woman who gets on with people of all races and backgrounds. She can chill with Ice Cube and reminisce about growing up in the hood in LA but she can also get a little summat summat (translation: something something) with the hot(???) British explorer guy who probably has a mansion in one of the home counties. The thing that sets J-Lo apart from Beyoncé is that Jenny from Da Block has some semblance of an ability to act. I mean, she’s definitely not the worst in this movie.

Let’s get moving on to the things about this movie that I liked. Numero uno, Dany Trejo appears in a role that isn’t ‘Mexican Drug Lord #1.’ He’s only in the film for a few minutes but his performance is actually pretty good and injects tension into a movie that’s actually quite slow to get to the snake action. Number two, any shot of Jon Voight looking like a child molester which is pretty much every shot of him. Three, the pot scene was kind of cool with all the noises jungle noises but, seriously, would you go wandering into the jungle after smoking a joint? I mean there are spiders the size of your face in the Amazon. Finally, the fact that Ice Cube is planted for racist comedic value. All he ever says is ‘damn’ and ‘shit son’ and ‘I got to get back to LA.’ It’s really offensive in a brilliant kind of way.

It should be noted at this point, however, that Jon Voight can actually act. This movie might tempt you to forget the awesome performance he gave in Midnight Cowboy but please don’t. In fact, watch Midnight Cowboy after watching this movie to restore your faith in his credibility as an actor.

Now for the things I disliked. First, the clingy white woman. Why is she so upset that Owen Wilson died!? They weren’t dating or anything. They didn’t even have sex. Plus, she had the easiest role out of the lot of them. She just had to lock herself in her room and do nothing because she wasn’t useful anyway. Rant over. Number two, snakes don’t scream. Thirdly, the rewound footage of the waterfall was just lazy and unforgivable. Finally, the effects aren’t that great but this was made in 1997 so I can cut the movie some slack in that department.

All in all it’s pretty balanced; it’s a cool B-movie. Looking back on it I guess I had fun watching the movie but I distinctly remember picking out all its flaws. At any rate just watch the movie for the scene with J-Lo rubbing herself while Jon Voight looks on. It’s pure magic.

High-lights:

  • The opening description is hilarious because it slaps science and fact in the face with a huge dick.
  • The panther strangle scene was like a natural history museum exhibit in an earthquake.
  • “See, what you do isn’t so hard…I can trap a snake too.” BOOM!
  • Jon Voight picking out white dust: “Human bones. This is how it comes out.” No it doesn’t! It comes out in sloppy wet turd form. I’ve seen the episode of Come Dine With Me where the snake shits on the dinner table. I know what snake poop looks like.
  • Did I just hear a dolphin cry???

Downers:

  • Why did the snake poachers need the film crew? Is it that hard to get your own boat in South America?
  • SNAKES DON’T SCREAM!!!
  • The British guy would have died in real life…he was without oxygen for quite a long time.
  • Distinct lack of male eye candy.

Summary:

This review just seems to be a bunch of crazy ramblings. Sorry about that but I guess that’s an overall strength of the movie: it engages you for better or for worse. If you want to take the piss, then use a sativa. If you want to enjoy a movie about a screaming snake that binges and purges, indicas are the way to go. Because I watched this movie on my own after using a sativa I picked out on all the negative aspects which explains the rather mediocre score but don’t be fooled: the movie has potential to be really good. You just have to make sure you’re in the best environment for it to be good.

6/10

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7 Comments

Filed under Good, Horror, Meh

7 responses to “Anaconda (1997)

  1. Another classic I have yet to see. *sighs* 😉

  2. I thought snake did scream…..lol.

  3. I’m surprised you even gave it a 6! I, on the other hand, had a hard time forgiving the special effects since I had seen older movies (ie Jurassic Park) that looked far better.

    I kind of felt like there was a distinct lack of female eye candy as well. The white woman (I couldn’t be bothered to remember her name) looked ok at best whereas this was the worst I’ve ever seen Jennifer Lopez look.

    Jon Voight was the best part of the movie to me, though. 😛

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