The Oxford Murders (2008)

Genre: Thriller

Cast: Elijah Wood, John Hurt, Leonor Watling

Synopsis: Two math geniuses try to solve a bunch of mysterious murders using mathematical equations. If math was really that useful I might have actually tried to pay attention in trigonometry class.

Oxford University and the city of Oxford are weird. I should know: I studied at the university for three years. Students often develop a love/hate relationship with the place. Looking back on my time at those hallowed halls, I remember fondly times spent in the local ice cream parlor with friends discussing our heavy workloads and our dreams for the future. However, I also remember the times I used to cry alone in my room because I was only half way through an essay at five in the morning with very little time until the deadline. It’s a place that builds character, courage, and a skewed perception of your own self-worth. It is not a place that turns you into a psycho, as this film may lead you to believe…at worst, it turns people into Brideshead Revisted rejects who bray like donkeys while spouting tripe like: “Oh no!!! Jonty’s done too much coke!” Actually that’s hyperbolic; most people there are surprisingly normal…maybe a little socially awkward but nice for the most part.

The funny thing about this movie is that absolutely no-one in it is even remotely likeable. It takes that socially awkward atmosphere and injects meth into its veins. All the mathematicians are turned crazy by math. The old lady has some sort of weird Miss Havisham complex, Elijah Wood’s character wants to fuck the number pi, and John Hurt’s character is simply a cunt. The musician is equally crazy and the nurse violates virtually every single confidentiality law in place. The only character who I didn’t want to punch was the woman at the airport who simply says: “I’m sorry sir but you can’t do that here.” Also, how can smart people be so fucking stupid? Elijah Wood walks into the murder scene and touches EVERYTHING without any gloves. Aaaaahhh this movie makes my blood boil. All this crap happening just distracted me from the plot which is probably a blessing in disguise because it was shit.

The problem with this movie is that it tries to be a lot smarter and more poignant than it actually is. Every attempt at philosophy just descends into gobbledygook and I don’t think that’s just because I was high. I think it is literally just crazy-talk. The murder’s supposed motive is completely pointless. There’s even a scene with a bunch of down syndrome kids on a bus that’s supposed to tug at the heart strings. Instead it tugged on my sphincter. For the love of God, if you want an intelligent thriller set in Oxford watch an episode Inspector Morse or Lewis. Stick to the classics! This film made me angry. I want to punch something. I’m tempted to put the movie back on just so I can punch my laptop.

High-lights:

  • It’s Carson!!!
  • Frère Jacques followed by a girl with down syndrome looking pensively out a bus window. Wut?

Downers:

  • The sex scenes gave me cancer. There’s just too much…too much of everything. I do not need to see Elijah Wood naked banging a Spanish woman. I do not need to see him throw spaghetti on her boobs and eat it (why the hell didn’t it burn her!? I mean it probably just came out of boiling water). I do not need the mental image of John Hurt’s wrinkly ball sack smacking around the Spanish woman’s face as he performs the helicopter on her. That’s perhaps a bit too much information but I need you to feel my pain.
  • Everyone. John Hurt can do so much better. So can Elijah Wood for that matter.
  • How the fuck were they able to profile the criminal after only two murders which were completely different?

Summary:

AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! STAY AWAY!!! Weed will not make this movie better. Watching this movie with friends might make the experience slightly more enjoyable but I mean that in the sense that being hit with a cricket bat might be more enjoyable than being hit with a sledgehammer.

-5/10

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Filed under Crap, Thriller

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