Cast: Paul Le Mat, Irene Miracle, Matt Roe
Synopsis: A group of psychics all go to a hotel because they have visions of themselves getting killed there…absolutely retarded, I know. Anyway there are a bunch of killer puppets running loose in the hotel.
Puppet Master is an odd little 80s horror movie…I say odd mainly because it isn’t scary in the slightest. Even the concept isn’t scary. Right from the start of we know who/what the killers are. As such, there is no subtlety to the film. However, the movie has an overall quirkiness which kind of works and it’s not hard to see why this film has a cult following which led to the spawning of nine sequels.
Let’s start by talking about the actors: who the fuck are these people? I had no idea who any of the actors were and, to be frank, I can see why I’d never heard of any of them because they weren’t that great. Don’t get me wrong, they were fun to watch but not because they were good. The lead actor was an unusual choice because he came across as bumbling and dumpy. On top of that he was completely useless. I don’t think he actually did anything in the entire movie except wander around aimlessly and get pointless visions. Another unusual choice was the casting of Kathryn O’Reilly as some kind of ‘sexy scientist.’ I assume they picked her up at some sort of escort agency because they were one actress down. Every facial expression she gives attempts to convey some sort of subtle emotion but it usually flounders and finds its way into the ‘maybe if I squint and pout a lot that’ll look like emotion’ territory. Also, there’s some sort of mentally handicapped maid running around but more on her later.
The puppets themselves are perhaps the least threatening or intimidating killers I’ve ever seen in a movie. Why don’t these psychics just kick the little bastards? For that matter, why the fuck are they even in the hotel? If you had visions of your death, would you really go to the location you were supposed to die to find out why? The psychics are complete morons. Not only are their deaths completely avoidable but they don’t even put up a fights against the wooden doll killers. Good thing they died or else I’d hunt them down and give them a well-placed pimp-slap.
As I said previously, this movie is not scary. Admittedly, I was in an unusual position which most viewers won’t be in. The external shots of the hotel are of Castle Green in Pasadena which is this beautiful, historic, and kind of creepy looking hotel that I am going to get married in one day. The wedding theme will be The Shining. I don’t know how that will work as of yet but I’ll figure it out somehow. Sometimes I get the craziest/stupidest ideas after smoking. At any rate, I started planning my fictional wedding so I was kind of distracted. If you actually want to get scared then maybe don’t start planning your dream wedding during this movie.
- “Let’s check he’s dead” *shanks corpse with a hat pin.
- Woman laughing with salad…there is this hilarious slow motion scene which has the escort laughing with a sliced pepper hanging out her mouth.
- Auto-erotic asphyxiation orgasm/vision.
- The mentally challenged handywoman/maid. She supposedly gets killed but near the end she just pops up and runs around for a bit and then disappears again and there is no explanation for this. It was like something out of The Room.
- There is a puppet that vomits leeches but when they come out of her mouth they look like really sloppy turds. She shits one into a guy’s mouth. Not my scene.
- The movie ends really weirdly. The characters don’t kill the puppets; they just walk away and a stuffed dog comes to life. It was so confusing.
Not the best horror movie out there but still a pretty enjoyable watch. Fans of cult classics will no-doubt enjoy this. Definitely one to watch with friends. You’ll need someone to throw around quips with. If you watch it on your own it might just seem a bit pointless and random. With regard to strains that would work well with this film, I would suggest a hybrid of some kind. You’re going to want something that will keep you mentally alert but not so alert that you’ll get distracted easily. Also, those with bdellophobia (fear of leeches) might want to stay away…I just learnt a new word! Time to smoke up in celebration.