G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Genre: Action/Adventure

Cast: Channing Tatum, Sienna Miller, Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Synopsis: A group of super-soldiers take on a ninja, Sienna Miller in a leather catsuit, and an asthmatic Joseph Gordon-Levitt in order to retrieve some kind of nanotechnology weapon of mass destruction which was stolen from the good guys by the guy who created the technology in the first place. What the actual fuck!?

This movie is what I imagine living with hepatitis is like: frustrating and painful. Describing what is right with this movie is simply too strenuous so instead I’m just going to write about why every copy of this movie should be strapped to a rocket and launched into the sun.

Was this movie written by 12 year olds? Why would a weapons manufacturer give his creation to the US government and then steal it back? Surely it would be better for him to create it in secret so he wouldn’t be a suspect? Why is there a scene set in the Middle Ages? Why is the Caucasian ninja better than the Asian one? Did this movie actually have screenwriters or was it created by Hasbro executives who think it’s OK to show a woman getting shanked in between her boobs but think that swearing is a no-no? WHY THE FUCK ARE THE BLACK EYED PEAS ON THE SOUNDTRACK!? These are just a few of the questions that might pop into your head as you watch this two hour toy commercial/train-wreck. That’s right: this film is a toy commercial. But instead of making you want to go out and buy the toys all you’ll want to do is go out, buy a bag of the coarsest sand you can possibly find, and then rub it into your eyes as punishment for watching this movie.

The characters are all just absolutely terrible. Channing Tatum is wooden in the role of a douchebag who abandons his girlfriend in her time of need. Marlon Wayans plays a soldier who is basically told right off the bat that the only reason he’s joining the team is because of affirmative action. A red-head that I don’t know acts as the team’s robotic bitch-genius who lacks emotions but miraculously discovers their value once she starts jonesing for black dick. Some kind of French guy’s also in it. Then we come to Sienna fucking Miller. I didn’t like her before and this movie just cemented my dislike for her. In this movie she had all the acting prowess of a sack of meat which is essentially what she looked like when she was waddling in that catsuit. Her character is, quite simply, the worst. Spoiler alert: she’s being mind-controlled but we don’t find that out until the end so the whole way through the movie we’re supposed think she’s become a terrorist just because her brother asked and because she had nothing better to do. Isn’t that how all terrorists start anyway? I’d comment on Joseph Gordon-Levitt but I know he can do better so I’m tempted to let him off the hook if and when he gets his act together and decides to take a surprise naked trip to my bedroom.

I feel like I deserve some kind of Nobel Prize for watching this movie without throwing my laptop out of the window. I came away from this movie feeling dirty and sullied. Like some kind of prostitute who lets her clients take a shit on a glass table which she’s lying under. Everyone involved in the making of this movie should be ashamed of themselves.

High-lights:

  • Lee Byung-hun is the only actor who did a good job in this.
  • My brother and I started making jokes about what our reactions would be if the other sibling showed up with some kind of nuclear weapon and wanted to form a secret organizing dedicated to ruling the world…It was funny when we were high.

Downers:

  • Everything! Just read the article and you’ll see. Better yet, watch the movie and share the misery.

Summary:

There is no strain of marijuana strong enough to make this movie good. Save yourself two hours. Or, if you really want to watch a funny toy commercial/film, then watch Batman and Robin. At least then you get some cracking Schwarzenegger puns.

0.5/10

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6 Comments

Filed under Action/Adventure, Crap

6 responses to “G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

  1. Dear living giloolies. Better you than me, brotha.

  2. I can’t wait for the second movie and that is not a joke.

  3. It was bad and the second will also be bad haha 😀

  4. Batman and Robin is a bad movie masterpiece. Say, don’t they crush the bad guys’ underwater hideout with ice? It’s not like ice floats or anything. Just asking.

  5. Awesome site you have here but I was wanting to know if you knew of any user discussion forums that cover the same topics talked about here?
    I’d really love to be a part of group where I can get advice from other knowledgeable people that share the same interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Thanks!

  6. Pingback: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995) | bakedmoviereviews

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