Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy (unintentional)
Cast: Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, Benjamin Bratt
Synopsis: Patience Phillips is just a dull, ordinary woman until she dies and gets turned into a crazy cat lady for some reason.
Poor Halle Berry. Poor, poor Halle Berry. In the early 2000s Hollywood was her oyster. After winning the Academy Award for Monster’s Ball it seemed as though she was on a fast track to superstardom. Instead, a series of bad choices badly stalled her career, so much so in fact that it’s only now that I think people are beginning to take her seriously as an actress again with the release of movies like Frankie and Alice and Cloud Atlas. It’s a shame because she is a talented actress but she’s the sort of actress who needs to be guided by an informed agent and a director who is going to push her. Whereas some actors and actresses like Ryan Gosling, George Clooney, Meryl Streep and Amy Adams instinctively know what’s a good role and what’s not, Halle Berry lacks that kind of savvy. I fully believe that’s why we got a string of duds from her (Die Another Day, Gothika, X-Men 3 to name a few) and Catwoman is the crown jewel of it all; a crown jewel made of fetid cat shit.
The film boasts an impressive cast that have proved their worth in other pieces so it’s hard to imagine why they all decided to get on board this film. The only explanation is that they thought it could be a winner and then, half way through filming, they realized it was a piece of crap and just gave up. This is best seen in Sharon Stone’s performance; she attacks the role with all the energy of a cougar with osteoporosis. In fact, the only person who doesn’t seem to be aware of the movies’ crapness is Halle Berry who really goes for the whole ‘acting like a cat’ thing. In Tim Burton’s Batman Returns, Michelle Pfeiffer, in a disturbed and deranged way, virtually screams ‘I’M A MOTHER-FUCKING CAT PERSON!!!’ Anne Hathaway in Christopher Nolan’s re-imagining almost hypnotizes viewers with her ‘I’m a sexy bitch’ routine. These women brought something exciting and new to the character. In Catwoman Halle Berry just seems to show up and say ‘I’m a cat….meow.’ It’s almost as if she got into a conversation with the director that went along the lines of this:
Berry: ‘What’s my motivation in this film?’
Director: ‘You’re a cat.’
She really went over the top with it, like she spent weeks studying up on cats and their behaviors for the role.
Everything about this movie is crap…but in the best possible way. I think I spent about half of the movie laughing with my brother who had the great sense to suggest that we watch this movie after a smoking session. The secret to this movie is not to take it seriously and to expect it to be a horrible lesson in visual rape. If you do that then it becomes brilliant. I had so much fun watching this movie, so much so that my brother and I have now made a habit of quoting the film in real life. Just don’t watch this film with people who are crazy cat fanatics as they might actually like the film in a non-ironic way. One of our friends actually enjoyed the film…send judgment her way.
- The magic cat blessing scene is quite surreal. The magic cat kind of magic-breath-farts in her mouth.
- Sharon Stone shanking Halle Berry…what the actual fuck?
- Wondering how Halle Berry’s career bounced back. Her publicists deserve a freaking medal. Scratch that, after the hit and run they deserve a Nobel Prize of some sort.
- The soundtrack is one of the worst I have ever heard on a film, except for the one song. Props for using Mis-Teeq.
- The basketball scene is one of the worst things ever.
Watch this movie with friends so you can bounce jokes around with each other. If you watch it alone it might be kind of sad. Objectively this movie is a festering pile of shit (if I was sober I would have scored it a 1 out of 10) but if watched under the right circumstances it becomes hilarious which is why I’m scoring it so highly.