The Net (1995)

Genre: Thriller

Cast: Sandra Bullock, Jeremy Northam, Dennis Miller

Synopsis: Bullock plays a reclusive and hilariously stereotypical computer nerd who has her identity stolen because she used a floppy disk….wow. Also there’s some kind of convoluted internet scare mongering going on which is hysterically outdated.

This movie is as outdated as the floppy disks that feature so prominently in it. On a quiet evening I decided to give this film a go, thinking that the anachronistic story would provide me with a few chuckles. I sat down with my laptop, smug in the knowledge that modern technological advancements would blow this film out of the water…then my laptop crapped out. It crapped out for approximately thirty minutes. Irony, I fucking hate you. I guess my hubris was misplaced. After thirty minutes of turning the bloody thing on and off (the fail-safe way to fix any computer problem…and I mean ANY problem) I finally managed to get the film up and running. Now that I’ve watched the movie in full, I can’t really say that it was worth the effort.

The reason why this movie fell flat was because none of it was even remotely believable. Sexy sexy Sandra Bullock as some kind of socially inept and nerdy systems analyst? No way. If the makers of this movie had any respect for realism they would have cast someone who was one hundred pounds overweight with a bad case of acne and who had a severe cat addiction. Actually, that would have made for a much more enjoyable film. I just couldn’t believe that this is what people thought the internet was like. It’s not even that funny, just plain embarrassing.

It’s not that this film is terrible, because it’s not. It’s just very pedestrian and that’s worse because it means that this movie elicits absolutely no reaction. The twists and thrills are anticlimactic, the plot really doesn’t make any cohesive sense, and the dialogue was clearly written by someone who has as no working knowledge of the internet (at least by modern day standards). Bullock is likeable as the lead but that’s about the only thing that I can put in the positive category. I really can’t flesh out this review any more than that because this movie just left me with virtually no lasting impressions. It’s one of the most forgettable movies I have seen in a long time.

High-lights:

  • Sandra Bullock is BAMF.

Downers:

  • “Oh no! The virus is eating through the mainframe!”….sigh.
  • Bland, bland, bland.

Summary:

Avoid this movie like a computer virus. I can’t think of any situation that would have made it a more enjoyable viewing experience and I doubt the experience would change depending on the strain you smoke. Nah, give this movie a miss.

2/10

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Filed under Crap, Thriller

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