Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers
Synopsis: The Governator must go deep into the jungle (for some reason that I can’t remember) and comes face to mandibled-face with an extraterrestrial who makes a sport out of hunting and killing people.
Predator is one of those movies you can simply put on and not have to worry about. It’s not confusing, the plot isn’t long-winded, the premise is simple, and it contains a treasure trove of quips and one-liners that will stay with you forever. In that respect, it seems like it was made for people who enjoy the company of Mary Jane. I know I had a fun time watching it. One thing that really surprised me about this movie was that it spawned a lot of weird distractions in my mind. For example: 1) Does Carl Weathers look like Kony? Whatever happened to him? Is Kony still a thing?; 2) Was Arnold Schwarzenegger ever really a sex symbol?; 3) Are Predators total pussies because they can only win by using invisibility?; and 3) Who would win in a fight, Predator or Charizard? I don’t know where that last one came from but I was on a roll so I went with it. Unfortunately I wasn’t with anyone else at the time so these questions were left unanswered.
The disadvantage of these sorts of questions is that they distract you from any attempt this film makes to have a serious plot. About 30 minutes into the movie I had to pause it and Wikipedia it to find out why they were in the jungle in the first place. Turns out it has something to do with a fake hostage situation, although these mercenaries have a very weird method of hostage negotiation which seems to involve blowing everything up. I was also distracted from learning the characters names so I came up with nicknames like ‘crazy mumbling black guy,’ ‘red-neck cowboy,’ ‘pseudo Native America guy,’ and ‘pussy house guy.’ Fortunately the basic premise is so simple that you can get away with doing this sort of crazy stuff without missing any of the great things about this movie and without distorting the central plot.
The theme of ‘man being the most dangerous game’ is totally awesome but I can’t help but feel that Arnold Schwarzenegger would not be the most dangerous game. I mean, the guy’s HUGE but I don’t think most mercenaries are that size. In that respect, Adrian Brody was much more convincing in Predators. In fact, a lot of the movie is really just Schwarzenegger masturbation. There are a lot of tasks that require Arnie to show his guns or lats or any other muscle in his steroid pumped body e.g. lifting a car….because he can. It’s vaguely humorous and resoundingly un-erotic but I might have preferred something a little more realistic. I guess that’s just personal taste though and it shouldn’t prevent you from watching this instant classic.
- “I aint got time to BLEED.” Best. Line. Ever.
- There are some really tense scenes that are kind of heightened with the use of infrared and creepy manipulation of voices.
- It’s super easy to follow and requires very little thought.
- Some of the scenes are really corny. Especially the scenes that involve any attempt to ‘bro-ize’ the mercenaries.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body is about as appealing and arousing as rectal prolapse. Some may be into that….not me.
There are a lot of things to enjoy about this movie. It is, after all, a classic. My only regret is that I wish I had watched it with friends…maybe then I would have gotten an answer to the Charizard vs. Predator question.