Cast: Roger Moore, Christopher Walken, Grace Jones
Synopsis: Bond must prevent the dastardly Zorin from destroying Silicon Valley. Also there’s something to do with racehorses which takes up a lot of time but it didn’t really seem integral to the story.
Nothing quite beats the rainy day blues as a James Bond movie. With so many classics to choose from we’re really spoilt for choice. Most people I meet seem to prefer the gritty realism of the Sean Connery or Daniel Craig movies but I have a soft spot for the Roger Moore films in all their camp glory. I had watched The Spy Who Loved Me and For Your Eyes Only quite recently on TV but one that never seems to be on is A View to a Kill. After finding a copy I cozied up in bed and got reacquainted (not in the biblical sense) with James.
My understanding is that A View to a Kill is regarded as one of the worst Bond films out there and, to be honest, I can kind of see why it’s not up there with some of the greats. For starters, Roger Moore was pushing 60 when he filmed this and, as such, the sexy devil-may-care charm kind of oozes out once rheumatoid arthritis sets in and your hip becomes a ticking time bomb. Still, that doesn’t seem to deter the honeys who he proceeds to bang in this movie. All four of them. There’s something rather disturbing about watching a man nearing retirement bask in the after-glow of love making but, then again, I guess the elderly need poontang or mangina as much as the next twenty-something.
Much of the enjoyment from this film comes from the fact that it IS Roger Moore in the starring role instead of the plot itself which revolves heavily around microchips and racehorses. At times the story gets pretty ridiculous and the dialogue isn’t exactly Shakespeare. For example, a Russian agent, who Bond seduces, is sitting in a hot tub when the bubbles give her a surprise. She gleefully exclaims: “The bubbles tickle my….Tchaikovsky!” I personally think it would have been more realistic if she just came out with it and said that the bubbles were tickling her iron/beef curtains. Seriously Hollywood, I’d be a great screenwriter. Either way, there’s a lot about this film which comes across as rather half-baked.
Definitely something that does not come across as half-baked would be the performances put in by Christopher Walken and Grace Jones. Both play their parts with enthusiasm and both are really a pleasure to watch. Christopher Walken has a really creepy face. Look at it and understand what I mean. It’s a face made for Bond villainy. Plus he comes across as a total dick in this movie. Not just crazy super villain dickish but also regular every day dickish. Sort of like the guy who parks in handicapped spaces because all the good spots are taken. THAT kind of dickish. Grace Jones, on the other hand, plays a terrifying huge black lady. Plus she has crazy fashions and hair dos. While a lot of the movie falls flat, these two never do and it’s why I think they’re regarded as some of the most memorable villains in any Bond movie. In my opinion, these two make the film worth watching.
- The opening title sequence is laughably low budget. It’s just a bunch of bored looking naked women in glow paint gyrating whilst doing everyday tasks like skiing or handling a glow in the dark gun. Typical of every Bond opening, you’ll be keeping your eyes open for a potential nipple slip or flash of side boob.
- The Christopher Walken – Grace Jones – Roger Moore sex triangle is absolutely disgusting to think about. If these three had a baby it would be the anti-Christ.
- It’s partially set in San Francisco. I used to live there for a short while and I’m glad that it made an appearance although I started to question if it really was San Francisco. Where was the public nudity? Where were the hooker fights outside my apartment? Where was the homeless guy taking a shit on the BART/MUNI escalator? San Franciscans know what I mean.
- This Bond girl has got to be one of the worst. State Geologist??? Is that even a thing?
- Compared to other Bond movies it doesn’t really impress.
I love all Bond movies so I’d be inclined to score it highly but I have to score it in terms of its position with other Bond movies because, quite frankly, there are better Bond movies out there. It’s not the sort of movie that is easy to watch with friends and it has some more complex plot points that you might be inclined to miss if you’re a fan of sativa strains like me and you get easily distracted. However, I think it’s a film that all Bond fans can enjoy regardless of their preferences.