Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy (unintentional)
Cast: Kristen Kreuk, Neal McDonough, Chris Klein, Michael Clarke Duncan
Synopsis: Spoilt little rich girl acts like a commoner to find her father who has been kidnapped for no apparent reason.
“MY EYES!!! WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH!?” That is what you’ll be screaming after watching this movie. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li does to the Street Fighter brand what you do to your toilet after consuming a packet of laxatives i.e. it shits all over it with an unrelenting torrent of steaming, sloppy feces. Don’t let that deter you though. This movie is pure gold. If movies were precious stones then this would be the Hope Diamond. If movies were paintings then this would that botched potato Jesus Ecce Homo painting. In brief, perfection!
The movie follows Chun-Li, a concert pianist, who attempts to locate her father (who was kidnapped many years before) because she evidently has nothing better to do. She proceeds to fire all her staff and live the life of a hobo in Thailand. Spurred on by her borderline incestuous love for her father, she takes on an organized crime syndicate to help save all the poor people in Thailand…which seems to comprise of 98% of the Thai population. Nothing in this movie makes any sense. At times you have to wonder whether anyone in this movie actually read the script. I suspect that they didn’t. How do movies like this even get made? Actually, don’t answer that. I like to think that movies like this are some sort of magical natural phenomena, much like the aurora borealis.
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li had the same effect on me as Troll 2 and I Know Who Killed Me (both of which I hope to review in the future). It is movies like this that truly make me happy to be alive. That may sound hyperbolic but it’s true. I watch movies like this and I think to myself that the world isn’t such a bad place after all. How can it be if something so simple and so awful can make me smile and laugh so much? Movies like Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li remind me of why I love films after I get frustrated with things like Saw 2 – Saw Infinity (which I am sure will happen soon enough). These films have a lasting effect on me and, whilst they don’t have the artistic quality or prestige of Citizen Kane or The Godfather, they have an intrinsic value to them. They’re special. That is why I encourage you to watch this movie. I want everyone to feel that specialness and that unbridled joy.
Even if you don’t get as passionate as that for movies in general then I’d still recommend this for the comedy value alone. This movie deserves a special place in your heart. The trick is not to take it too seriously because the movie plays out like a parody of itself. At the very least, you can be happy that no matter what happens, you will never make something so mind bogglingly awful as this film.
- The pseudo-lesbian seduction dance scene. As a gay male, I can’t conclusively say that I know the seduction practices of lesbians but, if it’s anything like what was conveyed on the screen, then I’m comfortable with not knowing. As my brother succinctly put it, it’s like a fight to determine who has the bigger metaphorical penis.
- Chun-Li commits a hate crime. Wait, wut? Yes you read that correctly. After successfully seducing the lesbian through a dance that has all the sex appeal of a stab in the eye, Chun-Li proceeds to beat the shit out of the lesbian and mug her.
- The racial insensitivity. It’s like this movie was written by someone whose only interaction with Asian cultures comes from watching Mickey Rooney’s performance in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. In this film if you’re Asian you’re either super rich or dirt poor. Also you’re part of a secret society and you know martial arts. Decades of race relations down the shitter, essentially.
- Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas makes a drastic career change from assaulting my ears to assaulting my eyes. He is offensive to every one of my senses.
- None. I can’t think of a single thing. This movie will change your life.
You need to watch this movie. I can’t really be any clearer than that. Get together with a friend or a few, toke up, and then prepare for the cinematic experience of the year. To really benefit from the hilarity of this movie, I’d advise that you watch it after a few hits of a strain that produces a cerebral high or one that will make you giggly. If you watch this movie after taking a strain that produces more of a body high then some of its gems might escape you and I don’t want that to happen to anyone. I’m making it my mission in life to make sure that everyone watches this movie at least once.