Cast: Robert John Burke, Joe Mantegna, Lucinda Jenney
Synopsis: An extremely obese lawyer gets cursed by the king of gypsies after running over his daughter. The curse causes the lawyer to lose weight rapidly until he wastes away. Hilarity ensues.
When I was living in San Francisco, one of my favorite things to do on a sunny day was to hang out at Dolores Park and people watch. One day I came across a local celebrity of sorts: the truffle guy. The truffle guy is like some sort of magical pixie that appears out of nowhere and offers you tasty, magical truffles for a low low price. He even has his own Yelp page! Be careful though. These truffles are not to be scoffed down like Ferrero Rocher. I made that mistake the first time. ‘Mistake’ might not be the correct word though because I had an awesome time. There was a Stephen King movie marathon on TV which I happily parked myself in front of. I managed to get through Christine and Cujo (which I became convinced was actually Pet Sematary and began asking where the hell the cemetery was). I tried my hardest to keep awake for Thinner but gave up midway through The Shining which was totally wigging me out. Yesterday I decided to see what I had missed.
Firstly it should be noted that this movie is shit. I don’t mean ‘THE shit’ I just mean plain shit. But it’s the kind of shit that really becomes awesome after a hit of a strain that is heavy on sativa. There is so much about this movie that is just plain awful; whether it’s the wooden acting, the terrible makeup, or the gypsies. But there is always something in this movie to keep you chuckling. My favorite moments came from the gypsies.
Now, I think Americans might be a little confused about what a gypsy is and what it is they do. The gypsies in the film are presented as fun loving mystical folk who travel around teaching local children how to fire slingshots…yes European readers, I did just write that. If there is one thing that unites many a European nation, it would be their mutual hatred of gypsies. Not because they go around cursing people but because they go around starting fights and shitting on peoples’ front lawns. Yes American readers, I really did just write that. Gypsies are not the loveable rogues featured in Shakira songs who steal your clothes and wear them if they fit them and flirt with Nadal. They don’t dance with goats and befriend bell ringers. They bare-knuckle box, have delightfully tacky weddings, and behave like 5 year olds. Imagine the white trash nature of Honey Boo Boo mixed with the self-control of Charles Manson and you’d be a lot closer. There’s a scene where the gypsy girl chases the lawyer with a slingshot whilst screaming. It would have been a lot more accurate if she were holding a switchblade.
Another inaccuracy would be when the female gypsy does a seductive dance for the lawyer and pulls gold coins out her bra and flashes him her (perfectly waxed) crotch and bejeweled g-string. Anybody who watches My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding would know that in the gypsy community this would be a big no no. Nothing sexual until you are married to your first cousin at the age of 15! Still, it’s errors like these that make the film so enjoyable to watch. If you’re in the mood for a horror movie that won’t scare the crap out of you then this is definitely a safe choice. Plus paranoia is not really an issue, unless you’ve gotten on the bad side of some magical gypsies. Unlikely as that may be.
- The gypsy king is hilarious! He comes out with real gems like “your dreams smell bad to me.” Plus he calls the main character ‘white man from town,’ despite being white himself. Gypsies aren’t God damn Native Americans!
- Joe Mantegna/Fat Tony: “ACID IN THE FACE BITCH!” Admittedly, that scene was rather intense and probably the most exciting part of the movie.
- The pie. Oh dear God the pie. It makes no sense but that’s why Stephen King is awesome.
- That pie looked so good. It gave me the munchies real bad. Even though it was an evil pie.
- The poor makeup and fat suit can be a distraction at times. There are some scenes when you can see the edges of the makeup around his ears.
This movie is sheer crappy-brilliance. Bad acting, bad dialogue, bad everything. The whole shebang. This movie definitely scores highly based on entertainment value. As I already mentioned, this movie is better with sativas and would probably be better to watch on your own or with one or two other people. That way you can focus on its amazingness.