Ninja Scroll (1993)

Genre: Animation, Action/Adventure, Romance

Cast: A bunch of voice actors that aren’t really well-known

Synopsis: A travelling ninja gets roped into a mission to stop an evil group of supernatural ninjas from doing something that they shouldn’t be doing. It has something to do with gold. I know that’s vague but I don’t really want to give the whole plot away.

It’s weird to think that this anime is almost as old as I am. As far as anime history goes, Ninja Scroll isn’t really considered one of the hallmarks of Japanime in the same way that Akira or Ghost in the Shell are. However, the film has a special place in my heart because it was the first anime I ever watched, at the tender age of 11 or so. That’s right: at age 11 I watched one of the goriest and most graphic films around. Thank you mother, for your wonderful censorship skills. In a way, I’m glad she didn’t dictate what I should and shouldn’t watch otherwise I would have missed out on some real gems, this film included.

Ninja Scroll follows the misadventures of Jubei Kibagami, a vagabond ninja who travels feudal Japan doing odds and ends…kind of like a friendly handyman that can decapitate you with a sword. One day, Jubei comes across a young female ninja getting her lady garden orally tended to which subsequently leads to him being the target of all kinds of crazy assassins. The backstory to the film is rather complex and it involves a lot of babble about retainers and chamberlains so a knowledge of Japanese history might be of use although it is by no means necessary, however, as a Japanese history lesson won’t prevent you from enjoying the fucked-uppery that’s going on on screen through the medium of robust and angular animation. Brutal fight sequences, inappropriate sex scenes, scheming homos, vagina snakes, this movie has it all!

The plot progression is predictable, to say the least, as it follows a standard ‘man vs. demon and then another demon and then another demon’ formula but it avoids being boring by having the supporting characters be so God-damn interesting. The 8 devils of Kimon, the central antagonists, all have their own quirks and peculiarities which makes for very entertaining viewing. My personal favorites are the lady who keeps a snake up her vadge and the twink who’s jealous of the woman with the snake up her vadge…I bet you never thought you’d ever see those kinds of words in one sentence. Whilst the villains are certainly entertaining, the heroes themselves are all really likeable and I have to give my praise to the writers who were successful in creating a complex and strong female lead. Kagero is a female ninja who is immune to all poisons. Unfortunately, that means she can’t get no play play without killing her suitor. Her sex is her deadliest weapon but also the key to her heart. Kind of like Rogue in X-men…but with more exposed boobs.

Action junkies will love this movie but I think it can also appeal to other crowds as the film has a soft romance interweaved throughout. Just make sure you have a strong stomach there’s a lot of explicit material in this…in case I wasn’t clear earlier, there is a scene where a snake comes out of a lady’s cooch. God damn it, Japan. Why you so cray?

High-lights:

• Compelling action scenes, characters with depth, and a touching romance. Great combination.
• Some beautiful animation. I kind of want to go to old timey Japan.
• “Now he’s the queen of the devils!” GUUURRRLL, he was always the queen of the devils…and you were the hag.

Downers:

• Is the squelching noise vaginas really necessary?
• SNAKE. COMING. OUT. OF. THE. VAGINA.

Summary:

A well kept secret that more people should be aware of. Ninja Scroll isn’t the best anime out there but it’s definitely worth a look. Enjoyable with friends or on your own, this movie would work well with all kinds of strains: animation enthusiasts may prefer something that will focus their attention on the artistry whereas others may want to simply relax and enjoy the movie as it unfolds.           

7.5/10

The Mangler (1995)

Genre: Horror

Cast: Robert Englund, Ted Levine

Synopsis: From the sick and twisted mind of Stephen King comes the story of a possessed industrial laundry press that has a taste for human blood. I’m really not making this up. This film actually exists.

One thing that Stephen King does very well is that he takes images and scenes that stood out to him in his childhood/youth and twists them into something macabre and then places them into his stories. King got the idea for his short story The Mangler when he worked at an industrial laundry press in college and was forced to work with the heavy machinery. The short story is bizarre but really quite good. Even when dealing with ludicrous concepts, King manages to inject touches of working-class realism into his stories. The film adaptation, however, lacks a lot of the gritty charm that the short story had. There are many of King’s short stories that are cinematic but this is not one of them. I think Tobe Hooper took on something of an impossible task when he signed on to direct this movie…I mean, there are only a small handful of ways you can make a stationary object seem threatening. At times, you get glimpses of King’s horrifying vision but for most of the time it’s just a bundled mess.

One thing that doesn’t work very well is Robert Englund’s appearance as a crippled-demon-rapist-thing. It’s not so much terrifying as just really disturbing and completely unnecessary. Also, why was there is kid locked in the refrigerator which suddenly became possessed and why is everybody still working at the laundry press and putting their hands in the machine when they just saw it eat one of their friends? This movie raises a lot of inane questions but doesn’t seem to do much about answering them. In a lot of ways, it’s quite a frustrating watch. On the one hand, I really wanted to like this movie because it’s such a weird concept but it didn’t really offer much in the way of a good time.

There are some recognizable people in this movie, including Ted Levine who plays Captain Stottlemeyer in Monk (great show but not quite as good as Murder, She Wrote). Those of you who aren’t fans of Monk might be more familiar with him in Silence of the Lambs where he sticks his dick in-between his legs and dances to the epic tune that is ‘Goodbye Horses’ by Lazzarus. Watch that movie instead! It’s much better and Levine puts in a more convincing performance.

In brief, I’d advise you to stay away from this movie. Read the short story instead: it’s scarier and has better pacing. This movie is really drawn out. They should have just shown the one death and then left it at that because making a full 90 minute movie about a rogue industrial laundry press just seems kind of silly.

High-lights

• “Maine”…lol.
• In my notes I wrote: ‘ooh hot geeky hipster guy,’ but I don’t remember who that could be. At least there was SOME eye candy in the movie.

Downers:

• WHY ARE THEY STILL STICKING THEIR HANDS IN THE MACHINE!!??
• Why does the demon have mechanical legs and is the implied sex in the bath tub really necessary?

Summary:

Definitely one of the worst Stephen King adaptations, and that’s coming from someone who’s seen a lot of them. You can do much better so just keep jogging on and listen to me when I say don’t go sticking your hands into faulty machinery.

2/10

Crank: High Voltage (2009)

Genre: Action/Adventure

Cast: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Bai Ling

Synopsis: After falling out of a helicopter, Jason Statham has his heart replaced with a battery which he has to charge constantly or else he will die.

If I could summarize this movie into one word it would be ‘COCAINE!!!!!’ This whole movie is what I imagine being on cocaine is like; just running around doing crazy shit whilst you’re pumped and then crashing. “Charge” up some more and you’re ready to go again. It’s not that surprising really because Jason Statham strikes me as someone who could play a cocaine dealer rather convincingly…you know the sort: rough trade. Is it wrong that I have a crush on him? I imaging he can be both an aggressive and a tender lover…someone that COULD slap you around but never would. Am I sick in the head? Anyway, watching Crank: High Voltage stoned was interesting because it gave me an insight into what another drug I would never try is actually like. Now I just have to find a film that simulates crystal meth and I’m good to go. Maybe Sex and the City 2 was the movie equivalent of crystal meth: my face felt like it was melting as I watched.

I have to admit that Crank: High Voltage surprised me in a lot of ways. I thought that it would be super gritty and realistic but it’s actually not. It’s a film that takes a lot of dramatic license what with the heart/battery transplant and all. In a lot of ways, it felt like a student production: kind of low budget and experimental at times. Some of the gambling paid off (the Godzilla scene cutting back to reality was great) but at other times it did not (the arcade game opening). Still, I have to give the film makers props for trying something different. Another surprise was that Amy Smart is in the movie! I had no idea she was still around.

I have to admit that I was trying to find the first one but accidentally downloaded the second movie and didn’t realize until right at the end. Oddly enough, I wasn’t exactly confused by what I was seeing on screen. I don’t remember questioning the plot or who the characters were even when they were referencing events from the first movie. I guess that’s a sign that Crank: High Voltage is an engrossing film that grabs your attention. Personally, I prefer The Transporter: its action scenes were more interesting and it features Jason Statham in a suit AND oil. What more could I ask for?

High-lights:

• Adrenaline-fueled action.
• Bai Ling playing an Asian hooker was actually really funny. It’s not exactly high-class humor but we’re all entitled to our low-brow moments.
• Big black lady in the car and the old Chinese man.

Downers:

• There are some pretty gruesome scenes like when a guy spits into an open chest cavity or when a gangster does some impromptu nipple surgery.
• Geri Halliwell…I loved you when you were a spice girl but, unless you’re planning a reunion, I don’t want to see you no mo.
• It’s an A-B, B-C, C-D kind of movie and it gets repetitive.

Summary:

All in all, not a bad action movie. It could be better in a lot of ways, i.e. if it dialed down the whole cocaine thing, but as a distraction it does what it says on the tin. This is the sort of movie that can get you pumped so be careful about how and when you watch this. Maybe before you go to the gym or when you want to get ready for some aggressive yet tender Jason Statham loving.

6/10

The Thing (1982)

Genre: Horror, Sci-Fi

Cast: Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley, Donald Moffat

Synopsis: A parasitic alien that imitates its prey infiltrates an Antarctic research facility and scares the crap out of everyone, myself included.

I’m not the sort of person who gets scared easily. When I was growing up, my mum used to make me watch all sorts of crazy horror films and, for the most part, I’ve become desensitized. The Thing, however, is one of the few horror movies that actually has an effect on me. I decided to watch this on a Saturday night, by myself, alone in my apartment. God knows why but that’s what happened. As a word of warning, this movie plays on your fears of being isolated and alone with a strange being. I began to hear noises in my apartment and started freaking out because I thought someone had broken in. Turns out it was just my noisy neighbors but for about 15 minutes I was just frozen in my bed and scared to make a move in case the burglar came into my room. Paranoia can be a bitch.

One of the most impressive things about this movie is the quality of the animatronics. For a movie made 30 years ago, it still had a great deal of realism and it’s nice to see that old school effort pulled off to great effect. Of course, it is kind of gross. There is this scene where this parasite tentacle monster starts pooping all this red sausage meat looking stuff and that kind of made me feel a little bit queasy but I guess that’s appropriate for an evolutionary horror like this and it was nice to see so much oozing penis and vagina imagery…I’m looking at you Species. I haven’t yet seen the prequel of the same name and I might watch it tonight to see how a computer graphicked (not a word, I know) alien holds up against the animatronic one.

The acting is pretty good in the movie and I personally think that Kurt Russell displays his best here. Also, the diabeetus guy is in the movie which makes things kind of…interesting…I guess. The actors are very convincing as Joe Schmoes trapped in the middle of nowhere and it’s a nice change of pace from the ‘sexy and rugged research scientist’ feel that a lot of these sorts of movies have…I’m looking at you, Alone in the Dark (which I have yet to see but I am sure is totally horrifying). The cabin fever in this sort of environment must be extreme and the actors do a great job of tapping into that tension.

All in all, this is definitely one of the best sci-fi horrors out there. John Carpenter at his finest indeed. Horror enthusiasts will/should love this. My advice is as follows: don’t watch this alone! There may not have been a burglar in my apartment but I can’t say the same about yours.

High-lights:

• Very atmospheric.
• Genuine scares thanks to a terrifying concept.
• Great acting.

Downers:

• Those poor dogs!

Summary:

There isn’t much about this movie that weed actually improves. If anything, it made it more horrifying so I would only really recommend that the brave at heart smoke and watch this movie. Also, maybe smoke something that will give you a body high as opposed to a cerebral high just to reduce the chance of you wigging out. Would be great to watch this with a boyfriend or girlfriend though…more opportunity for snuggling up/terror sex.

9/10

Sex and the City 2 (2010)

Genre: Horror

Cast: Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis

Synopsis:  A group of shallow, self-obsessed bitches go to the war-torn Middle East for a shopping trip and to waft their vaginal aromas in the face of Muslim culture. Seriously, there is a scene where Samantha opens her legs in the desert to get some fresh air down there.

This was perhaps one of the most painful experiences of my life. Sex and the City 2 or, as it’s more affectionately known, What the Fuck is this Shit? was like watching an old friend getting gunned down in front of my very own eyes. Everything that was funny and original about the series has now been systematically murdered. While watching this movie I was practically screaming in rage at everything on screen. I thought it would be funny. I was so wrong. I can’t even list a single thing that was good about this movie so, instead of fleshing out the review, I will simply move on to the downers list.

Downers:

• The opening is really superficial and pointless. The show had an element of realism to it. The film is like: “Yes! This IS the second movie and everybody is here only for the money.”
• The gay wedding was just awful. As a gay man I can honestly say that I was offended. I don’t know a single gay guy that would want that kind of a wedding. The dance scene with Liza Minelli was just indescribably awful. I thought it would be funny, like watching a caribou in roller skates, but instead it was an exercise in cruelty and embarrassment, like actually putting an arthritic caribou in roller skates and then putting a gun to its head.
• The only thing this movie was about was clothes. It was a bunch of menopausal Barbie dolls being dressed by extremely flamboyant gay men who should know better.
• None of the actresses have any chemistry with each other anymore. When the series was at its height, all the performances were great and you could see that the cast members actually got along with one another. Now it looks like they can’t stand being in the same room as one another.
• The dialogue made no sense. I mean, I was high but still I think it was all gobbledygook.
• All the characters are horrible people. Charlotte complains because she has to look after her kids for maybe one or two hours a day and ends up crying because she was stupid enough to wear fancy clothes while making cupcakes. Miranda hardly gets any screen time but, when she is on screen, all she does is complain about how hard her life is because her boss is a dick. She probably earns about a $1 million a year so just suck it up for Christ’s sake. Samantha now rubs all kind of fruits and vegetables on her snatch so the less said about that the better, plus she goes abroad for a business trip and behaves in the most unprofessional way by practically flicking her bean in front of everyone. Carrie, however, has just become the vilest human being ever, one who has existential moments when she walks alone on the beach. She constantly complains about how she’s forced to do nice things with her husband like watch movies in their tackily decorated apartment. Even her old apartment looks gross. She’s absolutely horrible to everyone around her and then, when she’s arguing with her husband about how he doesn’t treat her right and how they should live in separate apartments two nights a week, she screams: “Is it because I’m a nagging bitch-wife!?” Yes, it really is. Everything that was real and wholesome about Carrie has completely gone. Carrie wouldn’t wear a see-through dress to the shops! That’s tacky.
• The film offends virtually every type of minority group known to man. Also, they totally out the gay Muslim in the movie. He’s probably dead now because of them.

Summary:

Avoid this movie like you would a junkie on the street. Just keep walking and don’t make eye contact lest is chase after you like some fucking clown demon from your nightmares that starts to do a Liza Minelli dance routine. It’s too late to save myself but please, for the love of god, do not make the same mistake I did.

0/10

In Time (2011)

Genre: Sci-Fi, Action/Adventure

Cast: Justin Timberlake, Amanda Seyfried, Cillian Murphy

Synopsis: For some reason that’s never explained, people decide to let the government put clocks in their arms which count down the time until they die. Time becomes currency and there’s beef between the haves and the have-nots. Seriously, why would you let someone do that to you!?

It’s spring here in London and I’m overwhelmed with a sense of regenesis. I’ve started to feel better about leaving behind my beloved California and coming to the big smoke. The flowers are blooming, people are eating al fresco, and I no longer freeze my bollocks off waiting for the underground to go to work and when I see homeless people farmer spit on the street my disgust has now turned to mere annoyance. What better way to celebrate the coming of spring and my first May in the city with a film starring Justin “It’s gonna be MAY” Timberlake? He’s certainly aging quite nicely with his sexy hair, new tracks, and fashion sense. He’s like a fine wine…his acting skills, however, are more like vinegar but the cheap kind. Not the fancy balsamic kind.

I just want to point out that the concept behind this movie is really good. Imagine waking up and discovering how much time you had left to live and that you had to exchange time for things like rent and food. It’s a pretty terrifying thought. However, the execution in this particular instance was crap. The movie could have been great if it had more subtlety. Everything is kind of heavy-handed with the whole ‘money is time’ motif. It’s practically shoved down your throat about how capitalism is the root of all evil. The whole time I was thinking ‘I could have written something better,’ and that was quite a nice thing to think because it gave me an idea for a novel. When I get ideas I write them down in a little notebook. Maybe in a few years I’ll write the next big sci-fi noire so keep your eyes peeled.

This film is no Blade Runner but I appreciate its ambition. I think sexy sexy Cillian Murphy and Amanda Seyfried kind of understood what it was trying to be and their performances were pretty good. Murphy reminded me a little of Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive and Seyfried in her good moments has a tiny dash of Rachel from Blade Runner but it’s not enough to save the movie because, at the end of the day, it’s Olivia Wilde running around in the ghetto and a woman with a dodgy haircut and a prom dress running about East LA with a gun. The over-the-top moments kind of killed any decent glimmer of hope that could be found. Something this movie also touched upon was this idea of ‘waking up’ to a new and strange robotic environment which is a feature of both The Matrix and Ghost in the Shell. One again though, In Time wasn’t as convincing as either of those movies so it felt all felt a bit like non-alcoholic beer. Why go for the mish-mash that tries to be something else when you can have the original? See this movie for a bit of a laugh but don’t expect it to be revolutionary.

High-lights:

• If some government official came to your front door and was like “Hey, let’s put this life clock in your arm and make time currency!” would you honestly agree to that? It’s fun to think about because the answer is “Of course I fucking wouldn’t.”
• Some really nice shots of East LA and the river.
• Cillian Murphy is a beautiful man. And it’s Ya-Ya from America’s Next Top Model Cycle 3!

Downers:

• You really wouldn’t go swimming in the Pacific Ocean at night because it’s like below freezing and there are sharks in there. Actually, now that I think about it, adding a random shark attack probably would have improved the movie.
• Alex Pettyfer as the villain is just…no.
• Worst car crash ever.
• DOWN WITH CAPITALISM!!!! We get it. Stop it.

Summary:

This is the sort of movie that you’ll have to watch with friends because it could be a great comedy. If you want wonderful sci-fi then look elsewhere. If you want its cheap 2-cent hooker alternative just to live dangerously then go ahead. That’s a bit harsh. It really wasn’t the worst film I’ve seen. If you look at it for what it could be then it gets better but it all depends on if you’re willing to put that kind of effort in.

5.5/10

Rock-A-Doodle (1991)

Genre: Kids, Animation

Cast: Christopher Plummer, Sandy Duncan, Ellen Greene

Synopsis: Chanticleer, an Elvis-like rooster, gets shunned from the farm after the other animals find out he doesn’t really bring the sun up with his crowing. He then travels to the city and becomes a superstar whilst the farm animals get terrorized by a bunch of magical owls…I swear this is the actual plot. I was not tripping balls.

I remember one day when I was eating dinner with my friends at university and we began to discuss which movies we had watched as kids. They all mentioned the usual Disney films and, when it was my turn to offer something, I mentioned that I had watched this movie a lot when I was younger. I explained the plot to them and then sat there in confusion as they began to accuse me of making up a film that couldn’t possibly exist because it sounded too weird. Last night, I finally managed to get the internet sorted for my new apartment. First priority: watch a movie. I decided to expose my friend and roommate to the wonders of this film which is conveniently available on Netflix…at least to prove that I wasn’t crazy.

There is a lot about this movie to love. First and foremost, its weirdness. I mean, the central villains of this movie are a group of (totally gay) magical owls who like to play the organ and sing in a chorus. The leader is a fat one called the Grand Duke of owls. That’s totally brilliant! Who wouldn’t like that? The film also has this cool and understated retro feel to it and the musical numbers are annoyingly catchy. The guy who does the voice of Mandark in Dexter’s Laboratory also plays a role. Basically, I was swimming in the glory of childhood nostalgia which is exactly what I needed at the time. I’ve had a very busy week in which I flew to three different countries and my body was screaming with exhaustion. I needed to watch something that would remind me of the carefree days of my youth when I did fuck all and my biggest concern was learning to tie my shoelaces. In a way, this movie allowed me to reach out and grab those memories.

Looking at it now, the experience was strangely cathartic. There I was, huddled under a blanket with one of my closest friends in our new apartment, my laundry drying on a nearby radiator because we don’t have a dryer, watching a film from my childhood. I felt good for what felt like the first time in ages. I guess it’s the moments like these that you really treasure. When you grow up and leave all this stuff behind it’s these memories which you keep close. One day, when I’m successful and have my own house which will be tastefully decorate, I’ll probably tell my kids about this apartment and how much of a great time I had living here with my friends…even if the toilet did spew sewage one time and even if the only way for me to dry my underwear was to place is casually on a living room radiator for everyone to see.

I realize now that I haven’t talked much about the film but what else is there to say? It has magical gay owls in in for Christ’s sake!

High-lights:

• Magical gay owls…nuff said.
• Nostalgia overload.
• There are some really cool space shots and it’s like science but the bad kind of science…you know…like magic?

Downers:

• The special effects at the end are kind of bad. It’s no Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
• Oh shit, real people! AND THEY’RE CHRISTIANS!!!

Summary

I had a lovely time watching this film. I can’t say for sure if it was the weed, the movie, or just the state of mind I was in or a combination of all of the above but whatever it was, I needed it. I advise people to watch this movie but also to watch some of their most beloved childhood films from time to time. It’s good therapy.

8/10