Cast: Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, Cary Elwes
Synopsis: After his niece is kidnapped, maverick copper Alex Cross must find the culprit and bring him to justice.
Only one week to go before my favourite holiday arrives. Long-time subscribers will know what that means. Yes! It’s time for my official Halloween count-down posts. With one week to go before the big day I thought I would start you off with something light. Although Kiss the Girls is not technically a horror film, I feel as though it should be classed as ‘horror-light’ as the premise is fucking terrifying. For those of you who are unaware, Kiss the Girls is about a cop who forced to hunt down a psychopathic collector of women.
I like to think that I’m a hard-man when it comes to horror movies. I can watch all kinds of subgenres and be relatively unaffected. The ones that do affect me though are the twisted thrillers about serial killers. You want to know why? It’s because that shit could happen. A ghost isn’t suddenly going to pop out in front of me and I’m not going to be possessed by the devil. A randomer might bundle me into his car though and keep me prisoner in his basement though. People are sick. Because of this, you would think that Kiss the Girls would terrify the shit out of me, but it doesn’t.
The problem with Kiss the Girls is that it tries too hard to be something it’s not. Specifically, it tries to be Silence of the Lambs, which is a genuinely terrifying film and has a genuinely creepy villain. Buffalo Bill was a rube who kidnaps women and keeps them in a well in his basement before killing them and skinning them. There was something real and graceless and ruthless about him. He could have been your neighbour. The villain in Kiss the Girls is too organised. He keeps his women in a series of elaborate and stylised underground tunnels in the woods. He also carries enough tranquilisers to take down a rogue elephant. Nobody has access to either of those things in real life without appearing on an FBI database.
In addition, Silence of the Lambs had characters you cared about. You admired Clarice Starling because she was the underdog. You don’t admire Alex Cross much because he’s too perfect and Ashley Judd’s character is Little Miss Apple Fucking Pie. I mean, who has time to be a surgical intern, kickbox, and get home in time to cook a balanced and nutritious dinner? I hate people like that.
Can we also briefly talk about how much this film is a slightly more (or less) fucked up version of Flavor of Love? Think about it. The men in this film and in that TV show amass a harem of women for their own sick pleasure. The only difference is that in Kiss the Girls the villain collects talented women whereas in Flavor of Love Flavor Flav collects women with a history of violence and psychological problems…the kind of women who shit on the floor or spit on each other. Case in point, 25 seconds in:
- The mask the villain wears in this is kind of scary and the kidnapping scene is scary as hell.
- The lols when Morgan Freeman pulls out his gun on an elderly couple. If that conservative looking white lady wasn’t already a racist then she sure as hell is now.
- It held my interest.
- A disappointing Silence of the Lambs knock-off.
- I don’t think firing a gun through a milk carton would do anything to stop the room from exploding because you fired the mother-fucker in a room full of gas!
Kiss the Girls is the sort of film that should be watched when you simply need something to watch. It’s not as well-crafted as other thrillers and it’s not going to rock your world. It definitely won’t make your top 10 list, but there will be enough to hold your attention.