The Ghost and the Darkness (1996)

Ghost and the darkness

Genre: Drama, Thriller

Cast: Val Kilmer, Michael Douglas, Tom Wilkinson

Synopsis: Based on a true story, this film follows two men as they try to hunt down a couple of serial killer lions that are stalling the building of a railway in colonial Africa.

The Tsavo man-eaters were two lions that killed a number of construction workers on the Kenya-Uganda Railway in 1898. Some say that these two lions killed as many as 135 people. If there is one thing I love, it’s a man vs. nature motif so last week I decided to take the plunge and watch this throwback from the 90s. I had my doubts, mainly because the film stars Val Kilmer and I am still recuperating from his performance in The Island of Dr Moreau. Although there were enjoyable parts in this movie, I found it to be rather mediocre and forgettable. However, this movie taught me two things: 1) Africa is fucked up; and 2) colonialism was awful but kind of brilliant at the same time.

We all know that present-day Africa is no utopia. Many countries in Africa deal with war, poverty, and corruption on a daily basis. However, we sometimes forget that Africa is really the prequel to Australia…namely, it is a land of horror where every plant, animal, and mineral makes it its personal mission to kill you and everyone you love. I’m talking snakes, sharks, spiders, scorpions, hippos, crocodiles, and even sign-language-capable gorillas. Seriously, lions are fucking thugs! This movie provides a public service by reminding us that you have to have mental problems to want to go to the African continent.

Shakira AfricaOr a million dollar record deal! Waka Waka!

Now, for the point on colonialism. I fully accept that, after Piers Morgan, colonialism is the most evil thing to come out of the Britain. Claiming land willy-nilly and subjecting locals to back-breaking labour is never a good thing. However, colonialism was also responsible for a lot of good things, predominantly epic adventure stories. Without colonialism, we wouldn’t have legends like the Tsavo man-eaters. Hell, we wouldn’t even have Jumanji. I think people are naturally fascinated by stories with man versus beast narratives and The Ghost and the Darkness certainly has one of the more interesting ones because it’s grounded in reality. Also, there are some wonderful colonial quotes in this film such as: “We’re saving Africa from the Africans,” and “God invented liquor so the Irish couldn’t rule.” See, colonialism can’t be that bad if it gives us that many lols!

I’ll certainly admit, this film does have some brilliant man versus lion action. There’s even a scene where Emily Mortimer gets her face eaten by a lion. However, these are the only memorable parts of the film. There was a lot of talking in between these scenes and, to be honest, I can’t remember much of what was said. There are three possible reasons for that: 1) the film was dull; 2) I was so baked that I forgot that I understood English; and 3) I couldn’t decipher Val Kilmer’s accent. My brother tells me that accent was Irish. I thought it was Dutch or Belgian. I’m guessing that my amnesia was probably a mix of numbers two and three.

However, I do remember the last line of the film! That the lions are now stuffed and on display in the Field Museum in Chicago and that if you look them in the eye you will be terrified…

Lion…or not

High-lights:

  • Tense scenes with lions! It’s kind of like watching the raptor scene in Jurassic Park…but with lions.
  • Terrible but awesome jokes about the Irish.
  • The film won an Oscar for sound editing…so I guess it has that going for it.

Downers:

  • Jesus Christ Val Kilmer.
  • Completely forgettable.

Summary:

I kind of wish I had been more with it when I watched this film. I love films like The Ghost and the Darkness but for some reason I just could not connect with it. I don’t think it was a bad film by any means. As such, I think I’ll have to give it another go in the future. Maybe my opinion of it will change.

5/10

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The Social Network (2010)

The Social Network

Genre: Drama

Cast: Jesse Eisenberg, Andrew Garfield, Justin Timberlake

Synopsis: The alleged story behind the founding of Facebook and why Mark Zuckerberg is a giant douche

For those of you who saw my Zodiac review a while back, you will know that I am quite fond of the work of David Fincher. That man has style and savvy when it comes to film-making. If there is one thing that man is good at, it’s conducting subtle character studies. He did it in Zodiac, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Fight Club. The only film he didn’t really do it in is Alien 3 but the less said about that film the better.

Alien 3*sobs*…”What have they done to the franchise!?”

The Social Network is probably Fincher’s most critically successful film and it’s easy to see why: it’s well-acted, it’s intriguing, and it presents a multifaceted account on what happened when Facebook got its start…not to say that I think it’s an accurate portrayal. I am sure the story was sexed-up a little in the film. Either way, The Social Network is a very “current” film. Aided by Aaron Sorkin’s razor sharp screenplay, it manages to avoid pitfalls other “current” movies such as The Fifth Estate fell afoul of: namely being fucking dull. Also, Sorkin’s script manages to keep the story focused and streamlined, which is something Zodiac did not accomplish.

So what were some of the film’s better points? For starters, Armie Hammer. I’m just going to put this out there: that is one beautiful panty dropper and in this film there are two of him! The rowing scene in this film is just…yum. Beyond his blatant sex appeal, Hammer also does one of the best acting jobs in this film. Playing twins is not an easy thing to do but Hammer manages to keep the two characters similar enough in key ways such as speech and mannerisms but injects enough difference in their personalities to keep it believable. I hadn’t heard of the guy the first time I saw this film but I honestly believed it an actual pair of twins.

Other acting kudos need to go to Rooney Mara, who only has a very small role in the film but manages to steal every scene she’s in with an inherent likeability. Andrew Garfield is also worthy of mention not only because he’s adorable and I want to hug him but also because he does a stand-up job in this film. Rashida Jones was also pretty good as a second year associate who specialises in voir dire, or jury selection procedures. She manages to peg Eisenberg’s Zuckerberg well and determines that no jury would ever buy his story as he’s unlikeable. However, bitch needs to work on her game! She can get a jury to believe he framed his business partners with one question? I can do that without any words. You know how? Show the jury a picture of Zuckerberg wearing socks and sandals. A pearl of wisdom I received from my grandmother: never trust a man who wears socks and sandals. What kind of person wears socks and sandals? Ted Bundy probably. Trust me, I am an actual lawyer. I know what I’m talking about.

Socks and SandalsMonster!!!

In all seriousness, it’s hard for me to comment on the accuracy of this film, partly because I haven’t read the book it’s based on but mainly because I don’t know anyone involved. Despite that, I think Fincher’s adaptation makes a special effort to show all sides of the debate and, by the end of the film, the audience begins to see the strengths of each character. The Winklevoss twins were civil and honourable at first; Eduardo was prudent and overly cautious but was right in advising Zuckerberg not to trust Sean Parker; and Zuckerberg is clearly on the autism scale but he comes to learn that every single one of his actions have consequences. Every character in this film is human and that’s what makes it such an interesting character study.

High-lights:

  • Two sweaty Armie Hammers. My cup runneth over.
  • Interesting characters and a good deal is spent on their development.
  • The hilarious moment when the Stanford student wakes up with Sean Parker and you can see the fear in her eyes that most uni students experience at one point in their lives: the fear that they have just been banged by a townie.
  • The awkward English gentleman was perfect.
  • Wonderfully sharp screenplay.

Downers:

  • Computer speak. I don’t understand a word of it.
  • The portrayal of women in this film is slightly odd. Rooney Mara is shown to be an upstanding lady and perfect girlfriend material. A lot of the others girls, however, are Harvard hos who get picked up in busses and perform acts of lesbianism to seduce Harvard boys. There’s no middle ground; if you’re a woman in this film you are either a slag or a saint.
  • Justin Timberlake is the weakest actor in this. After watching In Time, I can’t say that I’m surprised.

Summary:

The Social Network is probably one of the best films in recent years and displays Fincher’s versatility and skill as a filmmaker. The film is not perfect by any means, but I honestly think it should have beaten The King’s Speech at the Oscar’s for best film and best director. I think this film will be considered the better film in years to come. You should watch this film if you like balanced, character-driven films that don’t force your perspective and opinions but nudge you subtly in multiple directions.

9/10

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Point Break (1991)

Point Break

Genre: Action/Adventure

Cast: Keanu Reeves, Patrick Swayze, Gary Busey

Synopsis: A rookie FBI agent infiltrates a group of surfers to find out if they are robbing banks.

A few years ago, Kathryn Bigelow directed one of the most critically successful movies of all time. The Hurt Locker is a well-acted and brilliantly shot war film. My brother also tells me that it is startlingly accurate when portraying what an explosion does to your body: there is no slow-motion action shot through the air, just a person’s body rupturing. Looking her recent accolades you may never have guessed that she also directed Point Break, one of the most hilariously bizarre films to ever bless movie-goers with its presence.

Point Break follows a rookie FBI agent named Johnny Utah, brilliantly played by Keanu Reeves in a rather two dimensional fashion. Johnny is on the hunt for a bunch of bank-robbers known as the ex-Presidents because they use masks of former Presidents Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon, Lyndon B. Johnson, and Jimmy Carter to disguise their identities. Suspecting that the robbers are actually surfers, Johnny infiltrates the surfer clique by banging some chick. While undercover, he meets and befriends a ruggedly handsome devil-may-care surfer by the name of Bodhi, played by a rather delicious looking Patrick Swayze, may he rest in peace. But is Bodhi somehow involved in the bank robberies? It turns out he is actually the ringleader, Ronald Reagan.

Ronald ReaganThe thieving bastard!

To be honest, I avoided this movie for a long time because I thought it sounded really dumb. After watching this movie I can confirm that it is one of the stupidest films I have ever seen. The best thing about this movie, however, is that it knows how ridiculous it is and really goes for it. I don’t think anyone in this movie honestly thought they were making The Godfather. I mean, in what kind of world would Gary Busey actually be an FBI agent?

Gary Busey Fidelity, Bravery, Integrity, Bat-shit Insanity

It’s easy to see why a film like Hot Fuzz parodies it so much: there are so many weirdly funny moments. For instance, there is one scene in which Johnny is chasing Ronald Reagan through a bunch of back gardens. He turns a corner and, out of nowhere, Ronald Reagan throws a pitbull at Johnny’s face. A God damn pitbull! That will now be my tactic if I’m ever being chased by the police. There’s also this other scene where Keanu almost gets his face ripped off by a lawnmower. That shit was intense!

In fact, if I were to describe this movie in one word it would be “intense”. This is a movie that glamorises the adrenaline junky lifestyle through a series of crazy action scenes. Strangely enough though, the action has a spiritual aspect. Bodhi is an interesting character because he appears to live a dangerous life for philosophical reasons. He uses action and stunts as a way of expressing his beliefs. Also, the shots of him out on that water were absolutely mesmerising. It’s a movie that pays homage to the mystical power of the Pacific Ocean and one man’s devotion to it. Thinking about it, it’s an aspect of the film that had a surprising level of depth. It’s something I wasn’t expecting and something which I appreciated.

High-lights:

  • Great quotes. My favourites are: “Sir! I take the skin off chicken!” and “I saved your life, bro!”
  • Beautiful shots of LA and the ocean.
  • Action coupled with a soft sense of homoeroticism.
  • The idea of surfer gangs is just brilliant.
  • Pitbull to the face.

Downers:

  • I felt that the ending was a bit of a disappointment.

Summary:

Point Break is, simply put, a bizarre movie. It’s weird and it makes no sense but it’s unique. It is a movie that shouldn’t work but defies all logic by actually working in spite of the odds. This is the sort of movie you should watch when you really want to switch your mind off. It’s sad to think that Patrick Swayze is no longer around but it’s good to know he gave the world such a wonderful gift…the gift of pitbull lobbing. Thank you Patrick.

9/10

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Wild Things (1998)

Wild_things_(movie_poster)

Genre: Erotic Thriller

Cast: Matt Dillon, Neve Campbell, Kevin Bacon, Denise Richards

Synopsis: Two teenage girls accuse their school guidance counselor of raping them but are they telling the truth and, if not, then what is their real motive?

I have watched a fair few erotic thrillers in recent weeks. I’m not sure what that says about where I’m at in my life but let’s roll with it for the moment. I knew very little about this movie so when I saw it posted on Netflix, I let curiosity get the better of me. To be frank, I was expecting some sort of tawdry affair, like a child beauty pageant. In all honesty, that’s exactly what I got but this version is a lot more adult and inappropriate: think JonBenét Ramsey rather than Toddlers in Tiaras.

Wild Things follows Matt Dillon who plays a school guidance counselor who is accused of rape by two students. The first student is rich-bitch Denise Richards and the second is Alligator-molester-trailer-trash Neve Campbell. That is literally all I can give away about the plot because after the first third the movie gets more twists than a Curly Wurly.

Curly-Wurly-SplitPictured: a Curly Wurly…the food of the Gods

So what is it about this movie that makes it so inappropriate? Well, for starters, supple young ladies’ breasts. Everywhere. The actresses are of age, but the characters are supposed to be 16 or something but that doesn’t stop the filmmakers from showing their jubblies through sopping wet t-shirts and swimming costumes that go miraculously see-through out of the water. Thank God I am not aroused in the slightest by such things otherwise I would have begun to feel like Jimmy Saville.

It gets worse when Richards and Campbell engage in an epic cat fight in the pool. These bitches are literally trying to kill each other with their boobies jiggling all over the place. All of a sudden, they start lezzing out. Now, I have a lot of lesbian friends. Lesbians are awesome but attempted murder is not how they initiate sex. That is a straight man’s fantasy. It would have been far more accurate to show Richards and Campbell going off to a book or basket weaving club before engaging in cunnilingus.

Basket WeavingYeah! Weave that basket you naughty girls!

There is also this weirdly homoerotic thing going on between Kevin Bacon and Matt Dillon’s characters towards the end of this movie. The movie is not explicit with it; at no point does Bacon stick his tongue down Dillon’s throat but it is suggested that they have done the horizontal mattress mambo. Plus, Bacon is weirdly hot in this movie. I never saw him as a sexy guy thanks to those terrible EE adverts he does here in the UK but in this movie he had this aggressive sex appeal coupled with piercing blue eyes and a perky ass. I appreciated the effort to bring in some man on man eroticism in to the mix…however, the message you get at the end of the movie is that all gay people are immoral con artists and murders. In fact, that’s the message you get at the end of most erotic thrillers: Color of Night or Basic Instinct anyone?

Despite the tastelessness, the movie does manage to retain an element of unbridled fun…primarily because everything that is going on is just absolutely ridiculous. Seriously, who opens the door in their panties and why is Bill Murray playing a lawyer in this film? OK, Bill Murray is definitely one of the best things about this film but I’m not sure I would ever want him representing me in court. The point is, it feels as though Wild Things takes place in some sort of alternative 90s universe where nothing is logical. Still, it makes for great comedy fodder.

High-lights:

  • Everything about Denise Richards in this movie is hysterical, from the little girl shoes to the attempted murder love in…she far surpassed her Christmas Jones role in this movie.
  • Bill Murray. You can’t help but love the guy. He’s the perfect father figure.
  • Neve Campbell is a bad-ass in the movie. She clearly had a lot of fun playing this role.
  • Beautiful shots of the everglades to begin with….and then the gators come and it gets sleazy. Actually, there is a lot of shots of gators when this sleazy porn music starts laying. Symbolism perhaps?
  • Hilariously inappropriate scenes of lesbian sex.

Downers:

  • Aaaaahhh, the teeth!!!!
  • Kevin Bacon’s ass was strangely hot and you see his peen. I feel dirty.

Summary:

If you can get over the tacky premise and the disgustingly inappropriate portrayal of teenage-adult relationships, Wild Things is pretty good for a laugh. Although it has its fair share of twists and turns, it’s not a difficult film to keep up with. It’s the sort of film you can put on after a hard day at the office. It won’t rock your world but it’ll keep you entertained for a couple of hours…you may need to take a shower afterwards though because this film is pure grade-A filth.

7/10

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Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Eyes Wide Shut

Genre: Drama, Thriller

Cast: Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman

Synopsis: After smoking some real heavy pot, Nicole Kidman tells her husband that she had fantasies about another guy. He then goes to a sex club and a hooker winds up dead. Standard Friday night really.

This was Stanley Kubrick’s final film and, as far as things go, it’s an unusual addition to an otherwise diverse and powerful filmography. It’s not that this film is bad because it’s not. It’s well acted and the plot is interesting enough. The problem with Eyes Wide Shut is that it is fucking weird, and I don’t mean in a floating foetus 2001 kind of way. I mean in a creepy Venetian mask orgy kind of way.

Venetian Mask“I’ll suck your dick for a dollar!”

The film follows the lives of Dr Bill Harford and his wife, played by then real-life couple Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. They live the lives of typical rich people in New York: they have a lot of money but poor taste. Their apartment looks like Pottery Barn ejaculated all up inside it. Anyway, one night they go to a party and Nicole gets hit on by a creepy Hungarian guy and Tom helps some strung out hooker in the bedroom. A few days later, Nicole smokes a fat joint (like a really fat one…seriously, even I wouldn’t attempt it) and then starts wigging out and tells her husband women aren’t as loyal as he thinks as she had been having fantasies about some hunky naval officer she may or may not have met one day.

Confused and questioning his assumptions about his wife, Tom then meets a prozzie but they don’t do anything and then goes to a masked sex party after walking in on Leelee Sobieski getting down and dirty with a pair of Japanese businessmen. Sometimes I wonder what happened to her because she used to be everywhere. She even had a role in The Wicker Man. Clearly times are tough.

I feel that this movie was supposed to be shocking. After all, there is a lot of nudity and sex in it and it attempts to subvert the image of women as loyal lapdogs who uphold notions of fidelity and family. Do people really still assume these things though? I’ve never made these assumptions so the film’s central point felt a little obvious and dull. Maybe the film’s message was lost on me because I grew up in the age of the internet. Should the mood strike me, I can watch a video of two women eating each other’s poo or another one of a woman shoving an American football up her cooch. It comes as no surprise to me that women like sex.

The thing I found really funny about this movie, however, is that it’s blatantly a metaphor for Tom and Nicole’s marriage as it’s all about the good doctor coming to terms with his latent homosexuality. It’s not obvious about it but if you pay attention to the subtext you can figure it out. Notice, for instance, how he goes to a costume shop called “Rainbow” and how he is targeted by homophobes who say some really horrible things to him. Also, Alan Cumming makes a pretty epic cameo. In conclusion, this film is gayer than my love for JGL.

JGLGratuitous JGL shot…swoon

After watching this film I began thinking about Tom and Nicole’s marriage. Were the gay rumours before or after this film came out? I’m too young to remember but maybe Kubrick was such a brilliant filmmaker that he placed a subliminal message in our minds about Cruise’s sexuality. If so, then his final film is, in fact, one of the greatest film’s out there as it brainwashed its audience into thinking Cruise was gay which no-doubt led to the breakdown of his marriage. How many movies can say they have caused couples to divorce? OK, there was that Japanese couple who divorced because she loved Frozen and he didn’t but that couple clearly had issues.

High-lights:

  • The scene with the chanting and incense was mesmerising.
  • Is that Wayne Manor?
  • The homophobe scene was very real. This is what homophobia looks like and it’s awful.
  • Damn Nicole, you may be a skinny girl but you sure do love fat ones.

Downers:

  • Why would anyone have sex in Venetian masks…..they are creepy as hell.
  • Nobody laughs in their sleep like that. Seriously Nicole, time to give up the weed.
  • I swear Hungarians are not always that weird.
  • I do not need to see Nicole Kidman sit on the toilet.

Summary:

I’m not sure how I feel about this movie. I guess you could say that I was underwhelmed but I came into this movie expecting something in a par with 2001 or The Shining. It’s possible that I missed the point of this film entirely and maybe it’s the sort of thing you need to watch when you are at a certain point in your life. If you can tell me what point that is I would be very grateful.

5.5/10

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Blade (1998)

Blade_movie

Genre: Action/Adventure

Cast: Wesley Snipes, Stephen Dorff

Synopsis: Blade, a human-vampire hybrid, goes on a rampage against the vampire world and some spoilt rich-white kid who wants to awaken a God to help enslave humanity.

Blade is another one of those films I used to stay up late on school nights for when I was a kid. It was the sort of film that got shown on Channel 5. For those of you who don’t know, Channel 5 is a channel on terrestrial British TV which, when it first went live, showed all sorts of weird shit because it didn’t have the money to get decent programming. In its earlier days, it would show on Friday night films like Emmanuelle, Color of Night, and the instant classic, Mirror Images 2. However, when it got more cash together, it managed to get some halfway decent films.

Maybe I was at that age in childhood when you think most films are good but, for some reason, I thought Blade was a great film in particular. I hadn’t seen it in about a decade so I thought I would watch it again to see if it geld up against the exacting standards I impose today. Long story short, it did not……BUT that shouldn’t suggest I didn’t enjoy it. As you all know by now, I can find humour in even the darkest situations. Hell, I even laughed at all the child abuse going on in Mommie Dearest.

So, what exactly is so funny about Blade. Well, firstly, how about the fact that it’s all about bareback-anal-rave-sex and getting infected with HIV in 90s LA. I can’t think of a worse time and place to get infected with HIV. Not only are you sick, but you also have to put up with some really crazy looking people to boot.

LA StylePictured: Style

Seriously though, just listed to the dialogue in this film….it’s all about “blood diseases,” “blood infections,” and “finding a cure.” Hell, even when the lead female gets bitten the holes on her neck pucker up like two assholes. I would be so pissed if I got bitten by a vampire and all I got to show for it is two gaping buttholes right under my face.

And can we talk about this female lead for a second? The actress’ name is N’Bushe Wright but I’m pretty sure it should be “Michelle from Destiny’s Child.” I call her Michelle from Destiny’s Child because her primary job in this film is to fill space and then pop up at random moments and harmonise/conveniently cure a disease which has no doubt stumped better minds than hers for centuries.

Another great thing about this movie is that it is a perfect Blaxploitation movie for the 90s: political, angry, fueled with anal sex metaphors, and critical of sneaky-rich white folk who manage to lure sisters into their beds. When I say sister, I mean like the Moesha kind of sister not like the Sister Sister kind of sister. Having said that, there is a weird scene in which Blade looks like he’s fucking his dead mother so if you’re into that sort of thing then this movie will still satisfy….you sick freak.

Sister SisterPictured: My childhood

High-lights:

  • So Blade throws Michelle off a roof and then almost onto the third rail and not only is she unhurt but she also decides to stick around with him. WTF is wrong with her!?
  • The train face smash was pretty epic.
  • The weirdly hysterical and inappropriate “incest” scene.
  • Buttholes on the neck….WHY????

Downers:

  • The fat vampire bit was kind of grim….and cruel. It’s like listening to someone kick a puppy and you feel really sad and then you realise that the puppy is actually an obese vampire. You know it’s not the same thing but you still feel bad.
  • C’mon Stephen Dorff…..really?

Summary:

All in all, Blade is a pretty funny film. While it certainly shows its age in the special effects department….and in the wardrobe department….and in most other departments for that matter, it still has a level of sentimental value. It reminds me of what life was like for me back in the cultural black hole that was the 1990s. Thank God I was a child growing up in rural England back then….no anonymous anal-rave sex for me!

7/10

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Color of Night (1994)

Color of Night

Genre: Erotic thriller

Cast: Bruce Willis, Jane March

Synopsis: After one of his patients commits suicide in front of him, a psychiatrist moves to LA where he is immediately embroiled in a sexy murder mystery with all the tension you’d find in an average game of Cluedo.

Mental illness is probably one of the most difficult things to convey in a movie. I’m saying this because film producers and directors rarely seem it get it right. There is a tendency among film makers to turn people with mental illnesses into caricatures. For example, the person suffering with schizophrenia is shown to alternate between two contrasting personalities. Mental illness is never that simple. To portray mental illness successfully, you have to have an insight on the illness itself either through personal experience or by reading a shit ton of material on it. When approaching movies with a mental illness theme, I always hope that the writers did sufficient research.

To be honest, I didn’t really expect that Color of Night would be a responsible portrayal. Mental illness is rarely shown in ordinary films in an accurate manner so when you throw eroticism into the mix, you are probably going to get a dud. What little hope I had was dashed in the opening sequence when the saxophone solo started playing. Tense murder thriller and Careless Whisper-esque music do not complement one another. Soon after the unfortunate title sequence, we see a rich woman alone in her apartment smearing lipstick on her face while laughing and crying. She then pulls out a gun and sticks it in her mouth. She contemplates suicide but then starts to fellate the gun. Less than five minutes in, I was already cradling my face in my hands.

Ordinarily, that scene would have tipped me over the edge, forcing me to switch off. However, I had a distinct feeling that a certain amount of comedy value could be taken from this movie so I pressed on. Although I’m loathe to admit it, I am glad that I did. The next thing I say will be a huge spoiler so if you don’t want to know the major plot twist in this movie then turn away now. You should watch this movie solely on the fact that it features Bruce Willis banging an F to M to F transvestite. Everything else in the movie is irrelevant after you consider that point.

While Bruce Willis’ predilection for transvestites is certainly the coup de grâce, there are many other WTF moments which will keep you entertained in this movie. For starters, there is a lot of homoerotic tension between Willis and the other male characters. Seriously, all they talk about is dicks. Then there’s the actual lesbian scene which is really creepy and not erotic in the slightest. Also, you have one of the worst “death by jumping off a building” scenes ever. As it is happening you think that they’ll do a tasteful shot where the camera pulls away at the last second. No, that doesn’t happen. Instead you see a mannequin smacking it’s head on the floor. It’s laughable, really.

As far as erotic factor goes, this film probably won’t get you hot under the collar. The sex scenes are laboured and poorly edited. I don’t need two five minute sex scenes sandwiching a 30-second topless dinner scene. I did appreciate that there was a sneaky peen shot though. It’s good to throw the audience a bone once in a while.

Color of Night is the sort of film that shouldn’t exist. No-one would make a film so bat-shit insane, surely? Well, not everybody has great judgment. I include myself among those people because I spent more than two hours watching this turd. Please lower yourselves to my level by watching this film. I need people to join me in the gutter so I can feel better about my choices.

High-lights:

  • Some great quotes. “To deny red is to deny emotion.” Thanks Sigmund Freud.
  • “Don’t fuck with a trapped rat.” Again, thank you Sigmund.
  • The opening sequence is one of the funniest I have seen and wildly inappropriate.
  • Bruce Willis banging an F to M to F transvestite.
  • A rattlesnake in a letter box is a great idea for a prank.

Downers:

  • Los Angeles is nothing like this, I swear.
  • “You don’t want to start another riot.” Jeez! Way to make light of a race-riot.
  • Worst lead female ever. “Hi I’m Rose and I don’t have insurance.” She also has an annoying face.
  • Worst disguise ever.

Summary:

Color of Night is neither erotic nor thrilling but it sure is funny. Deploying a level of absurdity usually reserved for Japanese game shows, this film takes the audience on a non-stop rollercoaster of melodrama, exposes genitals, and poorly written twists. What more could you possibly want on a Saturday night?

9/10

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